Earning Your Crown

Yeh,

Weird way to start a blog post, right? Well, I literally just woke up so speaking has yet to enter into my activities for today...sooo, ummm... deal with it. lol.

Okay, so yesterday I was out in DC and I attended this Meet Up group. For those who are not familiar, MeetUp.com is an awesome site where you can go to find groups who are formed with people with like-minded interests. You pick a groups, become a member, they organize events and you can go "meet up" with them. So yesterday was my Natural Hair group's meet up.

It was so awesome to be in the presence of so many beautiful women who had natural hair at different stages. The lady sitting next to me had just did her Big Chop (where you cut off all of yur permed or damaged hair to transition into having natural/non-chemically treated hair) about a month ago and was rocking this extremely short hair style with natural curls looking gorgeous! To these two ladies with hair that was so long and big that you could see them coming a mile away. There were I think two ladies with locs in their hair.

Side bar: As not to offend ANYONE, NEVER, and I mean NEVER start off by calling them DREAD locs. It is offensive to many who have studied the history and culture of the style which adorns their crown. Simply call them locs. It is your safest bet to not wind up in a 2hr educational conversation when all you intended to do was give them a compliment. Trust me, this will keep you rather PC.

The purpose of this MeetUp was to discuss our trails with different hair products. I thought that it would be cool to listen in as well. But I had a problem from the beginning. Some of the women who had been in the natural hair journey longer than others appeared to have been knowledgeable, but maybe it was just my end of the table, but they didnt give me a path to find what products work well with my hair. I heard comments like, "I've tried several hairstyles that are around this table." or "I have tried everything possible on my hair and now I am happy with where I am" . Those comments are all well and good.... but how did you GET THERE?

I dont need a step by step analysis of every nap you conquered or regimen you overcame, but I do need to know some of the basics like what made you realize what worked for your hair and what didnt, what type of research did you do before hand, how do you maintain now that you've found what works, etc. I say this because there was an older lady sitting at my end of the table with her notepad. I know that she brought it so she wouldnt forget any of the products that she had heard. Her point in doing so was that she didnt want to start from the bottom and trying every single hair product. She wanted to hear products that other people said were good and try those. Wow, was all that I could formulate as a response. I couldnt imagine how we as AFrican American women didnt know so much about us. Her form of thinking was flawed and she didnt know it. She didnt realize that by listening to everyone's product suggestions, that she was in fact "starting from scratch " because she didnt know a thing about her own hair. Let me explain.

I told her that what she needed to do first was:

1. Discover your own individual hair type. I am personally a combination of 4b/4c. My hair has a mixture of S & Z curl patterns. There are certian products that from the jump are not going to work on my hair. My hair is actually the most fragile hair type out of them all, even though it looks the oarsest and resembles the closest to the Angela Davis model of what most consider Natural Hair.

2. Understand that Natural Hair is not a hair type, nor does it mean that everyone who is natural has the same kind of hair. Therefore, you will be wasting your time, money, and energy by taking product advice from someone who doesnt have you hair type. I personally thought that the group should have sat by hair type. but it wasnt my group, so next time I will sit near people whose hair is more like mine.

3. Do some research on products that are specifically made for your hair type. She asked me where would she do that. I immediately reminded her of this wonderful item called Google, and how the invention has been saving college students trips to the library for years now. This way, she could get small tips on which items were designed for her hair and then research which products people with her same hair type are raving about. That will cut her experimenting time in half, even more.

4. Visit thisother awesome invention called YouTube and search for people with hair regimen video clips so you can seehow to maintain your own hair type as well.

I felt like I was the most educated in my head. I was new to this. I was seeking answers and ended up giving some. I was just shocked how knowing who you are first and what to listen out for wasnt suggested as part of the meet-up but rather just get together and tlak. I think this is where money is wasted and why sisters give up, b/c they see friends with long hair and try to copy them, when in fact their hair types are not the same. Just because your hair looks the same doesnt mean that it is. People can manipulate a curl pattern for a style, or blowdry out their Tyoe 3 hair to get it to resemble a 4b/c pattern. Know you, stick with it, and learn to love it. Once you know you, nothing anyone can tell you will drive you of the path of what works well for you.

I guess in teaching yesterday, I found my own personal philosophy with this whole entire hair journey thing. I am learning me. I try a few products and so far the ones I have tried have worked. I did my research first to cut down on all of this madness. It also just gave me a fabulous Idea....hmmm. God works in mysterious ways!!! SO there was a lesson in this for me after all.

Well I hope you enjoyed my spew... I just had to get that out of my head. Have an amazing Sunday. God bless!

~~Arch Nemesis

Mis-Education

~*Mis-Education*~
by: Arch Nemesis
©2009

The Mis-Education of a Negro
Began long before Carter G Woodson
Long before Fiddler fiddled
And Kunta captured
Try English palaces filled with Duchesses Or
Kings beheading non-believers
But it was Sailors
Off Ivory Coasts packing ships that mark history’s forgetfulness
Not recognizing home
Documentation serving as proof
Disbelievers refuting it
Mesopotamia
Oldest civilization
Ethiopia
Oldest human remains
But today we bow heads
Ashamed of the place where
Human origin began
Africa
Ancient maps including
The Middle East &
Asia Minor
Evolution & Biblical error-proofed
You choose
Microorganisms or clay crafted
Either way
It is Ancient Africa in your veins
So was it not Africans
Who sold Africans
Into the hands of other Africans for slave trade
You’d be stupid to think that
400 years of slavery on the motherland
And 400 on this other land aint the same
Oh Pharaoh,
Won’t you let my people go
Fast Forward
Law states
1 drop
Full African
So explain
How massa’s decedents
Sucking mammy’s tits get exempt
While I had a malnourished heritage
And she lied not
She don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies
Because she birthed kings & queens
Who were suppose to remember where they came from
And it damn sure wasn’t London
But somewhere they forgot
Forgot that no one has blue blood
And that blood is thicker than water
No matter how many oceans we’ve had to sail over
But
What about KKK hands drenched with my Great Granddaddy’s blood
Never said the drop had to be in you
But pretty sure it soaked in
Journeyed in their blood stream
Tapped them on the heart and said
Don’t you recognize kin
Medgar Evers showing up in their blood work
Jimmy Lee Jackson present in their arteries
Like they don’t know that
We don’t die, we multiply
T cell whipping every blood cell ‘til it becomes our own
Got us darker folks thinking we don’t like ourselves
When Emmett Till marked them erasing the face of themselves
Like the Sphinx in Egypt
Keep stealing everything
From Muddy Waters’ sounds
To the curves of Sarah Bartmann’s soul
Cant understand how the rhythm keeps escaping them
How what they perceive to be Africa
Can morph into shades of them
How they sit Front Street at our events
Because they’ve just got to know what’s going on
Fushizzled My Nizzled until My Nizzle was dead and gone
How they cant see that the want to be like us
Is the blood in their veins calling them home
How it wasn’t until this line that I realized I need to stop saying them
And begin to call them we
‘Cause
We cant escape what the proof if trying to tell us
Cant erase what is known to be true
But I guess it takes more than 1 drop to know where you came from
More than one drop
To know that my heritage is painted on
More than one drop
To be unable to deny your heritage
To be somewhat sure about your lineage
More than one drop
To realize
That I’m not the only one who’s been
Mis-Educated

Made in China?

So.... on Twitter I say some very RANDOM things and ask questions that I really want to know the answers to. So today I asked:

"Does it mean that a woman does not love herself if she cannot go without weave?"

Very bold yet very heartfelt question. I really wanted to know what people thought about that statement. I didn't say that is how I felt... I truly wanted to know if the statement had any validity to it. Boy, did I open up a floodgate of feed back.

And one of my followers replies back, and I took it as... how shall I say... ummm.. Yeh, passionately. I respect her opinions but the opinions didn't add up to me. Not to say they weren't valid from her standpoint... it just made me question things even further. (Note: My use of Natural from here on out means w/o extensions ONLY. Meaning you can have an Afro and be natural or have a perm and rock your natural length)

But before I go any further, I would like for everyone to understand how I phrase things... they may come off as being a smart ass or saying that what the person said is wrong.... WRONG!!! I am merely giving my responses to what was said, and my opinion. The follower is a very intelligent person and makes points based on her opinion as I will do below. I DO NOT WANT ANY MESS RISING FROM THIS!!!! I take life, and I respond... below you will see my responses to what was said to me. I value what was said, it made me think, and so I believe in friendly discussion. No hard feeling were taken, and I pray none are created.....back to your regularly scheduled reading.....

First she replied:

"WHOA WAIT WAIT WAIT ....wearing a weave doesnt mean I don't love myself....HOLD UP..."

I don't think that I made the question personal...did I? I thought that I asked DOES it mean that or could the fact that a woman cant live without her weave have a deeper root behind it or even be taken so far out of context that it needed clarification to be something as simple as a preference. That's all.

To which she replied:

"...thats the same thing: if I wear weave, I dont love myself = if I cant go w/o wearing one it means that I dont love myself"

Again, I was ASKING, not making it personal nor stating it as fact. I wanted to know honestly. It isn't the same thing either. To wear weave has its purposes; are you in a fashion show, to you have a medical situation where you no longer have hair, are you supporting a business, or do you wish to rock a certain look without damaging your own hair. That is what the first part of her equation equates to in my mind. The second part....to me, morphed my question. By asking does it mean that was meant to spark feedback, but based on my explanation above... it depends on WHY you chose to wear a weave in the first place that would carry the weight of why you cant and/or feel that you cant go without one. Which in all situations, there is a woman who has pulled through and decided that she could be her minus the weave... which is the basis to my question. Why are women so dependent upon it, self included, that we often times feel that we cant sport our hair w/o extensions and what does it mean when we cant part from the overseas addiction.

The replies kept coming:

"how is weave bad but perm isn't? I wear weave, I don't get perms. I don't understand what the weave issue is...explain"

And coming:

"that's like a white dude saying "is it true that all black woman are ugly?""

I explained that , to some, perms are for manageable hair. To take what length or texture they have of their natural hair and to make it more manageable in their personal sight. But to add weave means that you are adding something foreign (not that lye isn't) to your hair and trying to pass the length of it off as your own. Are either deceptions right....nope... but adding length to make it appear to be longer than what it is .....is a change that is based purely on vanity. Perms are based on vanity as well, but mainly manageability. Extensions are purely vanity. Whether you are not comfortable with your own length, want a new style, or are the victim of a disease.... it all circles around a form of vanity. I've seen women, self included decide to rock their own hair, not worry any longer about the latest trends, and cancer patients drop wigs and rock the most beautiful and proud bald heads I have ever seen in my life, which takes a ton of confidence not usually displayed in our society.... so again my question stands... what does it mean if a woman cant let weave go? And no, it isn't the same as a white dude saying the comment above. He would be an outsider in gender and in race making a generalized comment on features that a culture had no hand in creating. Women do have a hand in presenting themselves to the world. Whether it be the full bare and exposed them, or the decorated/masked version (because that is what it is... a dressed up version of who they are w/o it)....they had a choice in the matter. So what is the big deal about putting it down? Why cant we as women wake up one morning and say... no more weave?

I could pick anything... no makeup, hair spray, clothes, bras (that happened already in the 60s right? lmao) etc. I just happened to pick this topic today.

She replied:

"it means they care enough about their appearance to not let go of weave. just like I wouldnt leave the house w/out deodorant"

P.S. Some places don't wear deodorant and yet they too care about their appearances... cultural viewpoint there...and I guess same is true with weaves.

I have yet to reply back to her... and wont b/c I ended the conversation b/c I felt I was reading her responses wrong. .... but I really wanted to say this. Well, rather ask this. "So, are you saying that in order to care about one's appearance you must borrow extensions in order to add to yourself?" If that is the case...wouldn't that almost imply that what is your God-given appearance is not acceptable? Wouldn't that imply that you wouldn't be able to reach over in your vanity drawer and pull out combs and brushes that would make what you naturally/truly/realistically have beautiful enough for you to care about enough to make it a representation of your appearance? Wouldn't this imply that weaves are in existence for vanity purposes b/c after all... they care enough about their appearances? And if following her line of logic from earlier... is this almost implying that b/c she cares enough about her appearance that she cannot let it go then it =she doesn't think that her natural/realistic appearance is good enough = she doesn't necessarily believe in herself enough to rock her natural/realistic appearance? A stretch, I know, but if who you naturally/realistically are isn't goo enough to rock it as a representation of your appearance, so much so that you need assistance that you cant let go......is that really self love? I could have taken it being a choice... but not b/c she cares about her appearance. Because I am sure that there are tons of women who do NOT have weave in their heads who care very much about their appearance every single day, but they chose NOT to have weave. P.S. Some places don't wear deodorant and yet they too care about their appearances... cultural viewpoint there...and I guess same is true with weaves.

Having been a girl with a perm that took my hair out and I cant grow it back in places...to the girl who, up until last Thursday (a week ago today) had extension braids in my hair.... I understand both sides of it. But on Thursday, I woke up and I literally heard a voice and got the vibe that I was tired of hiding. I know this is my personal choice... but I was tired of redoing my braids, wearing weaves and wigs just so I could feel beautiful. I cared more about MYSELF that day than my appearance that I took each micro braid out of my head and cut all of my hair off into a small Afro. I was ready to face the world as me. Not an imitation, not a faux replica, and not even a doll house/store front version of myself.... but me. HERE I AM. I am weave free. BY CHOICE.

I no longer felt like a cigarette smoker that vowed that I could quit whenever I wanted and never did. Or, like my other battle, the plus size girl who said that I loved myself but shoved food down my throat that led to diabetes,heart attacks and cholesterol that could kill a cow. This is my personal testament. I put my money where my hair was and I asked myself.... do you believe that you are beautiful enough to rock it day in and day out with just yourself. And I said yes.

Scariest thing I have ever had to do was walk in my office building with my tiny fro, when the guards are use to me with longer hair(s). I walk with my head down sometimes and have to remember to pick it back up. But it has only been a week. I am sure I will get better. I think that the real testament will be my cousin Sean's wedding on Oct 16th. I could wear a weave...but after writing this... I think I will stick to being me. I will have to figure out what I want to have done to my hair to make it look nice at it's own length.......I'm tired of hiding.

This blog was not to pass judgement, nor to bash the beliefs of the person who follows me... never that. I send her the utmost respect. it sparked me to think, which seldom people can do so she gets kudos and kisses from me. I don't care if people wear weaves, have perms, or rock makeup... I did it up until a week ago... so I cant say much else. But I am allowed to question the world. To get a conversation going and to spark thought. I'm learning to be proud of me...day by day... the pure me... the natural me.Besides... I'm black.... a descendant of Africa... what sense does it make for my hair to be made in China? lol. Just a question, people, nothing more..... don't take it personal.

To the follower: Thanks for challenging me. I honestly mean that. You are a bright individual...that's why I keep you around...lol. BUT WATCH YOUR TONE WOMAN!! lol. Just kidding. I really do hope that you don't take offense to this if you read it. Offense is not my approach...I just had to get my opinions out and this was the safest place for me to do it. This is merely friendly discussion as I said above......Love ya!

Sincerely,

Made in My Skin (Arch Nemesis)

Ending a "THING"

A New Start:

So... yeh. I was in this... this... SHIT what in the world to call this damn.....ummmm... WHAT IS YOUR NAME!!!!!? Ummm hell, fuck it, this "thing". Most would call it a relationship but two intelligent negroes get together and call it everything but. You know... "your good goods belong to me and only me but you are not my man and I am not your girlfriend" kind of "thing". Yeh.

So, for those who know me know that I have a condition... long story dont ask. But in short... I cant, yet can somehow, be blamed for things that occur in my subconscious. Well, he was smart enough tot come to my house and to sign into his Facebook account on my computer, and not sign off before handing it back over to me. I apparently read an email that he sent to a female in Florida.... we live in MD... about how he was thinking of her and how he wishes that he were down there to take her out. Mind you this is only days after he and I slept together...and less than a week before he tells me that he wants to be exclusive. [Sidebar] I will never understand how someone can be with two people and then decide in such a short time that he wants to be with one and think that I am to believe that your feelings are genuine.[end Sidebar].

So I tell on myself, letting him know that I found the email. He gets made, screams about his privacy being violated. He needs his space and yadda yadda yadda. In the time it took for him to need his space... I discovered that I needed mine too. Cant start another "THING" with someone and this is already losing trust on both sides. Literally a week and a half goes by w/o speaking until he finally comes back with him wanting to have another chance with me. I tentatively agree.

I dont know why I did. I already knew that in my mind I would not trust shit that would come out of his mouth. I would resent every action he would ever do if it werent towards me. This....was where this was headed and I knew it. But something in me just wanted someone to kick it with. So... the faux attempt started. We swore we would start from scratch, not where we left off. That lasted all about a night of Ethiopian food and ,unbeknown to him, farewell sex. I had to get it out of my system. The next day just topped the fucking cake!

So we had a performance. As we were getting out of the car, I turned back in to get my business cards out of the console. While I was bent over, he thought it would be funny, on a public street in front of the place where we would be performing... hell AT ALL, to jump behind me and start humping on me. WHO DOES STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT?! I was embarrassed! I felt he was immature. I played along for the rest of the night. Put up with him humping my leg while I talked to him... but in my mind... I was through.

My lesson: Learn to love yourself first....before you get involved with anyone else.

And this could be from me doing a lil further research and learning some things.... but I doubt it. God placed them there for me to see. I opened myself now to begin doing what God wants me to do... .trust, He's still working on my cussing.... but I just didnt see this guy in it. I lowered my standards b/c I thought that I should try someone who I wouldnt normally try, but the hell with that idea ever again. I cant do it. I have to work on me, where I am headed and what is appropriate in God's eyesight, not mine. So this is a new start. It is going to be time for me to improve on myself now and not settle or worry about being in a THING..... when God is ready... I will be in a relationship where the other person claims me out right and is faithful. I cant wait for that day to get here either. I dont deserve to have cause to not trust the person I am with... this is the final straw. 2009 is the year of manifestation... so I am manifesting that I will from this day forward walk in the footsteps of God to the best of my ability and to ask God to be patient with me in the places that my ability does not extend. I ask... God... what can I do for you....and whatever you decide to bless me with.. I gladly accept. I thank you.

Yep.... glad I got that out of my system. I'm officially done. Sucks that I told him I dont want to be exclusive over a text..... but he will get over it. Hell for all I know he could already be with some chick on the side... it doesnt surprise me in the least if he has. Just proof that he wasnt who I thought he was and he and I werent all that compatible. I'll be cordial when I see him around... no hard feelings.... the situation was just jacked. Well... enough writing for now.

~Sincerely,

Arch Nemesis

I Wrote: A Poem

I Wrote
by: Arch Nemesis
© 2009


If tears were ink
To an outsider
My face would appear tatted
And my pillow ruined
But what they don’t know
Is that
I’m writing you a poem in saline
Those were the words I typed him
Typed him
Before
Before
Before I came to my mother lovin senses!
Consensus, please
Why is it that I have to wait
For you to decide if
You want to be with me
Honey see
You knew I was crazy before you met me
Saw ass
Got tail
Now want to play friend
Well honey I don’t sleep with my friends
And you know more of me than I of you
True
But boo
You’re buggin over an email
She mailed you
To which you replied
Didn’t deny
Yes I read
What you said
Told on myself and let you know

Now you automatically go into emotional limbo
When I have the right to place judgment
On your lack of tact to leave it open
On my laptop
And you wouldn’t be concerned with not trusting me
If I didn’t see what you wrote
Which could have me not trusting you
But you flipped script
Got me stressing out over this bullshit
That you got busted in
Thinking that I cant tell that
The only thing stopping you from not being my lover
Is you wondering if benefits come w/ being friends
No
My final answer is
You will only be my friend
You’ll be first hand witness to what you could have had
Nothing worse than tasting perfection
Then watching someone else add too much salt to your plate
I will not continue to feel sorry for what I apologized for
Cant help who I am and you blame me for it
Say you forgive me
To remain distant
Forgiveness is active
Not passive
And this passive aggressive shit is annoying
Thank you for your honesty
But honestly
You talked enough for me to listen
To the bullshit that you tried to convince me as truth
Loved how your parents loved w/o pinpointing reason
Then cant be w/ me after an apology
B/c you’ve got to take time to think things through
Well you thought it through
This is the end
You needed space to think
Which gave me space to see that
You may not be the one for me
You don’t get to decide my fate
Can’t see through my crazy tirades
Temporary blackouts
Couldn’t turn them into kinky trysts and voyeur adventures
Tried to make sense out of purposeful senselessness
While I held who you were
And who you had become
Grew curious as to where I fit in
Never judged
Just dove in and said let time define the space
B/c my understanding of you could be wrong
Me thinking things through
Can only take me to the limits of my experience
And maybe everything about you that annoyed the shit out of me
Was meant to make me grow past my insecurities
See past the previous bullshit issued to me
Or maybe showing affection to you was enough to make me smile
Make me feel I was alive
B/c I have so much to give
But I wasn’t allowed to issue my opinion
You said it yourself
You’re capable of convincing people of things that aren’t true
You’ve done it for years
Well you convinced me that I was something you kind of
Chose to do
And could choose not to do
Like now
By leaving me to wonder was it all even worth it
So here I stand
With so much more to say dangling on my lips
Ready to spew secrets out of spite
But cant
Because I actually cared
And unlike you
I understood that people make mistakes
I forgive
Actively
Besides
Nothing is gonna hurt you more
Than knowing that you can only be my friend from here on out
Now these were the words I wrote
After I smiled at giving up on someone
Who couldn’t make up their mind about actively forgiving me.

Played: A Poem

Played

by: Arch Nemesis

©2009

He played man
Dressed in life’s lessons
Smoking on regret’s pipe
With responsibility branded on his chest
He had the look
Of being different from the others
Carefully calibrated calculations
Of how to caress my emotions
He played concerned
Buttoned up over guilt of what went down
He was convincing
In how he showed me his likeness
This
Was the turning point for me
B/c he
Auditioned well
Spoke the lines as if he wrote them himself
Upstaged the truth
And monologues his intentions
Soliloquies of past tendencies
But
Changed man
Was the Character placed before me
Should have known
That costume changes are expected in this play
Theatrical standard that becomes boring
If it doesn’t occur
And soon
What is expected
Is change
Climax with no resolution in site
He is protagonist
With an antagonist’s spite
He lied
Went against script
And then hugged me
To hold my heart in place
Re-synchronizing our heart beats
So that I couldn’t tell that his
Was different from mine
He in Guys and Dolls
While I sang the chorus’ warning in Antigone
Wiping my tears with Tom Stoppard’s manuscript
Understanding that
“It is in God’s humor
to direct our hearts to all
but those who have a right to it”
Looking for stage exits from this Greek tragedy
B/c I’m stuck in Elizabethan ideals
Women were not suppose to be on this stage
We were intended to be it
Hence
The true meaning of this being a man’s world
And all the world
His stage
Walked on
Each page he made an appearance
Why didnt I see it
See his costume
See his blocking
See the de dum de dum de dums
In his sonnets
He may as well have been Shakespeare’s muse
Amusing my fancy
Because he was to me
Who he portrayed to be
And everyone but me knows
That the lights eventually dim
Make-up gets removed
And costumes hung back up
Seemingly apparent to being a play
But this is my heart
It has no understudies
And he knew that
Cast me in this role
Took the lead and played his part well
Yes
He played interested
Available
Passionate
And willing
It was his intentions that projected lies
I see the conclusion now
The play didn’t end the way that the prologue alluded to
Just disheartening
To think
You found someone who isn’t like the others
Only to find out
That he just dresses up better
He fit the role
Played it well
Who am I to blame him
For being a good actor
Yes, a good actor
His role
He played it well
He played
My man

Perceptions: A Poem

Perceptions

by: Arch Nemesis

©2009

Perceptions
Are merely deceptions
Assigned to you
Lingering in your eye sight
As if lies like
To play with your emotions
Chasing after tail & feather
When you’re allergic & ticklish
Wondering why you’re shivering
And itching
But I guess
It is all about your perception
Cause from here
It could look like the Harlem Shake
But fool you live in Texas
Keep chasing her or him
Just because you figure
This time
Will be different
Believe me
Leaving the movie on pause
Doesn’t change the ending
It just means
You will pick back up where you left off
On pause
Or making up the ending in your mind
Going against the script
Changing the plot & characters
As if you cant see
That they will never be what you want them to be
Cause their actions
Are hell bent on proving to you that their not.
Stop Watching
Time
As if it is a thief in your store
& you just so happened
To have shape shifted w/ God
Like
It’s destined to stop for you
Like
This life is your command
Make believe them perfect
Instant
Like On Demand
Falsehoods more dangerous than Watts
Where Robin Hood
Steals from reality
And gives to the pathetic
As if
Meter races get extended
And don’t change name
Like
Just because you add a ball to a track runner
It won’t change games
It is all about the depths of your deceptions
Color coded based on a technicality spills in Aisle 5
And you came to clean up
With your own set of solutions
Part Peroxide
1/3 hallucinogenic oxymoron
And 4 quarters full blown lie
Making
Perception
Wearing your mama’s good draws
On a bad day with holey stockings
Trying to show off your best assets
Putting them up on the foreclosure auction block
With no collateral
When your morals got its lien on
In clubs
Holding up walls
Like Jericho is running through your veins
And you
Would rather hold up something not worth holding
Than to love yourself
To prevent your own soul from falling down
But maybe
Through your deception
You gain the altered perception
That maybe,
Just maybe if you save this soul
And succeed
That you will feel you have the strength within
The strength needed to believe
That you were worth it all along
No matter what anyone else said or did
Erasing all of the falsehood perceived within
Getting to the point of understanding
That they need to earn you
Learn to get past the hurt in you
Punish the lies before they baptize truth
But what do I know
I’m just a poet who wrote this poem about you
Standing in the bleachers calling the plays
Because I’m too scared to talk about me
Too afraid to be a player on that same field
Because I am unable to see past the defensive line
Deception preventing me from seeing
That I am only one letter off
From coming to the conclusion
That it is just a defensive lie
My deception
Being projected in your reflection
B/c it’s safe there
But I guess it just all depends
On my
Perception

Draft

Draft
By: Arch Nemesis


He spoke in inconstant consonants
Wrong em-pha-sis on wrong syl-lab-les
Silly how
He had me hooked
Shook
Nicknamed vibrato
Between the tone in his voice
Denying truth
Making his meta-threes
Metaphors
Because that is what I do
More than upgrade
With him
I spell checked
Sipping his weighted seas
Gram-mar
Searching for similes
In inconsistencies
Sprayed across the mic in limelight
Just to write poetry in the dark
Tasted ink
Tickled by quill tips
Tantric draft
Unaware I wouldn’t make it to the final cut
Open mic’ed
Slamable
But unworthy of slam
I took preacher for poet
Pencil for pen
Boy turned man,
Dressed up gentleman
Turned insecure again
Hidden behind a tongue
That erased my fears
Kept me w/in margins
Thinking
I’m his new poem
Sincere in his sincerely
Good in his bye
How’d I
End up as a draft
Rough
Unedited
Worked over
Practiced
The predecessor to greatness
Ignored punctuation
Puncturing wounds
Held my monologues captive
To portray single sided dialogue
He spoke with conviction
Opening convents
Equipped with pulpits
To baptize the believer of his words
Tithing 10% of truth
For hundredfold dollar bills
On recycled poems
The size of mustard seeds
Planted on stages
Watered with pages
Promising the MC
He’d stay w/in time
Featuring w/ a poem
Similar not familiar to mine
No this poem
Was memorized
While I laid patiently
Desktop
Waste side
w/ the rest of his concepts
Left blowing in the wind
Watermarked
Draft

A Dream: This house

So,

Over the years my friends have hung out with me and have noticed that I love to say the phrase "Wouldnt it be funny if." When in fact, there would be nothing funny about it because what I would say would shortly thereafter, sometimes almost instantly, come true. So, something told me to write this dream that I literally just had. Some of the details are fading the more I wake up but hopefully I will get the gist of it. Not sure of the order.

Side bar: This Bhhendi Masala is good! Eating leftovers!

Well once I was able to go to Pier 1 and saw some kind of decoration and said.... this would look good in my Aunt's bathroom. Without noticing that I had never been to my Aunt's new house. 6 months later we ended up moving in with her and in fact..... it would have gone perfectly in her house.

This dream went as follows:

I was standing outside of what appeared to be a two-story white house with black trimmings. Almost barn-like details. Not really sure. I remember talking to someone, who I think my current mind associated with as my current roommate KL). I stood there and I told her... do you want this bedroom, pointing to the bedroom at the front of the house to the left, which does not have a direct bathroom connection or you can have that bedroom, pointing to the room on the risght side of the house, which has the master bath. Of course she replied with the master bathroom. I have no clue why I was in a bed, but I remember saying that I will move this bed into the bedroom on the first floor off from the living room for guests. I specifically remember saying , " You know, for when you have multiple friends come over, they can stay in there." Strange, because we dont have a ton of people staying overour house... but I guess it could be someone I have yet to meet.

So I remember walking into what I think is my room which is upstairs and to the left. Huge room, just sucks that the bathroom is across the hall and I remember not liking that b/c I like my privacy. It was on the same hallway as my roommate's room. I also remember being on the first foor and walking back to where my mind would have prefered a kitchen but running into this small tiny table with this victorian looking lamp/lampshade. The light wasnt on, but I still have a clear view of the wooden door it was sitting beside. There was a fire alarm lever, like how you see in schools, sitting there on the wall beside the door. The door looked like it had been painted over dark , dark, dark brown and it had a thick piece of wood crossing the upper door frame that fell into a latch and then had a huge padlock on it. I still have no clue why a door would look like that inside of a residential home but I do remember feeling physically erie and saying, " I dont like this in case of a fire." Hope that is not prophecy.

I walked back out into the living room and I heard my roommate call "Dad". For some strange ass reason, I drop to the floor and slide under the coffee table. I hear the tolet flush and a door open from the bathroom on the first floor across from the living room....and out comes this little high yellow baby boy with curley hair. My roomate asks, "Did he go?" to which a male voice said, yes. Another little boy, an identical twin, comes from around the corner where the stairwell was and appeared before me. I have no clue where they went and I never saw the man. Now that I think of it... I never saw the staircase either, I would just appear on the top floor. I dont even know if there was a basement.

I guess the part that threw me off was me asking my roomate if she was going to party and she said she didnt know what she was going to wear. She then asked me if I had the dress that I had given, and she gave a specific name but it escapes me now, and I told her let me unpack and I would find it. Specifically, and I remembber doing a hand gesture that implied the clothese were folded as I said, "It will be easy because I packed my clothes just as they were inside of the drawer." And I imagined a grey.silver form-fititng dress that stopped shortly below the butt. I also remember having a brief vision of dancing in the dress, but I never dreamed ever giving my roomate the dress. What is strange is.. .my current roommate and I dont wear the same size clothes. So I have n oclue who that is. All I can currently hope is to lose enough weight to wear the same size as my roommate...lol.

I cant remember anything else... oh.. for some reason when I was outside of the house.. there were two people, but I dont remember who the second person was... and it was night time when I aked from outside which bedroom my roommate may want. Odd, right? Well I will keep you abreast of any new details. I have never seen this house before in my life......so the details are far beyond me!

So here is what a site says about interpreting this dream just in case it isnt a prophecy or preminision (sp):

1. Inability to find the bathroom:
To dream that you can not find the bathroom, signifies that you are have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions.

2. Bedroom:
To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature.

3. Locked doors:
To dream that the doors are closed or locked, signify opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you are having some anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned (I dont like this one at all.... b/c I think I know which lesson I continue to fall on and I dont want to learn that lesson the hardway... so maybe this is a wake-up call. I gotcha. I hope that how I feel right now is the fullest extent of this)

4. Floors (Like how I fell to the floor):
To see the floor in your dream, represents your support. It may also represent the division between the unconscious and conscious.

5. Hallways:
To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes self exploration and the beginning of a path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase in your life and journeying into the unknown. It signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.

6. New house:
To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life. If you are locked out of the house, then it represents rejection and insecurity. You feel you are being left behind.

7. Kitchen:
To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for warmth and spiritual nourishment. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are caring for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen, represents a transformation. (But I dont remember seeing one at all so it could mean the opposite of this)

8. Living Room:
To dream that you are in the living room, represents the image that you portray to others and the way which you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are.

9. Different rooms:
Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.

10. Children (specifically 2):
To dream that you are watching children but they do not know you are there, is a metaphor for some hidden knowledge or some latent talent which you have failed to recognize.

11. Twins:
To see twins in your dream, signifies dualities and opposites. It also represents security in business, faithfulness, and contentment with life. It may also mean that you are either in harmony with or in conflict between ideas and decisions.

12. Visitor (the father):
To have a visitor in your dream, signifies that some news or information is on its way to you. It may also indicate love is around the corner. Alternatively, it suggests that you are experiencing a new phase in your life. If the visitor is unwelcome, indicates your refusal to change

13. Brown:
Brown denotes worldliness, practicality, domestic and physical comfort, conservatism, and a materialistic character. Brown also represents the ground and earth. You need to get back to your roots.

14. Black and White:
To dream in black and white, suggests that you need to be more objective in formulating your decisions. You may be a little too unyielding in your thought process and thus need to find some sort of balance between two opposing views. Consider the views and opinions of others. Alternatively, black and white dreams is a sign of depression or sadness. You may feel that there is not enough excitement in your life.

15. Silver:
Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

16. Grey:
Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant or detached. (I dont like the ill health part... but I am currently sick)

I wish I could find what it meant to go under the table. But it keeps telling me that a table is about relationships.... who knows. OK. I'm done.

Babble On by Arch Nemesis

Well, I have had some things on my heart & spirit for a minute. And in order for me to be through with it I have to pray about it and then write it out of my system. So this poem is comprised of my feelings about 6 people over the past 4 years of my life. Be it not trusting in me, believing hearsay, or creating something out of nothing due to paranoia. I am not phased by it. Reaching an age where I am use to it and I just wish that people would learn how to communicate better. I guess you could say this is an ode to nonsense and those who keep it alive....and a prayer for those who believe in it or are ignorant to its existence. I hope that you enjoy. God bless to the 6 people in this poem... still no hard feelings, but wrote in truth and still sending positive prayers & blessings in your direction. Just that our season is up.It was fun while it lasted & I learned a lot. Love ya!

Babble On
By: Arch Nemesis
8-16-09

They sat in trenches
Sniffing a$$ like bitches,
Supposedly
Hearing truth in the land of Babylon.
Translated truth and made it myth,
Lost it in translation and made it lie.
My,
How you surround yourself
With people who wallow so low.
Bound to you in loyalty
And you manage not to smell the shit.
Dripping off tongues
Explained away as the predecessor to roses
Less we forget
Banned books concealing transgressions
Burned at the stake of being your friend
Religion edited
Prayers said to include
In his bullshit we trust
Thus
Monkeys become blind, deaf and dumb
And although monkeys see
They just let Masa do
Ducking at darts of retaliation that always seems to find
You
Shielded in hushed lips to conquests moans
Dare I say I had faith in you?
But never believed in the façade paraded
Masqueraded and danced in pulpits
As we all got behind you to hold up the corners of your wobbling soapbox
We, the people
Turned peasants in the shadows of informants
Whose secret operations
Became undercover paparazzi to document what we say
Because truth can’t be sold on the front street so easily
But it is here where the stench lies
In having one’s back
But being backless
Seems inevitably pointless
Jest strapped to truth
Defendant w/ labeled prosecutors
Who don’t tell you their defense plan
Until after the trial is through
Accusations hurled behind backs of others
And dare I believe now
When words were not spoken before
I’ll hold on to those who speak evil of me behind my back
Than those who smile proudly to my face
At least I’ll know them full circle
It is a dance
Where I have rhythm
Build the cadence
Hit high hats
Over the snares of haters who bounced off beat
To the 2step of your friendship
How were they ever to hear my words
Sounding over the roaring melody of
Bitch this aint your business
And if it were
Why are you eavesdropping?
Like pride divorced you and etiquette banished you from decency
Lips tied tighter than presidential pages
Yet sensitive over what wasn’t said
Versus what could have been
Babylon
Never meant to be deciphered
And those who try
Can’t be trusted by those who speak the same tongue
For how did you learn the tongue
Of those purposefully segregated by God
Latin translates different than Ebonics
Reason left out
And tone muted for bullshit
Deaf to screeches of dead marches of foot soldiers going AWOL
To the cause of CIA
Cause See I Aint never said a lie
But I have spoken truth
Whose themes
Were misinterpreted to unequal equivalents in your native tongue
Be it not my place to find a word for
Listen
Hear me out
How do you say
We thought we were each others friends
Be it now or never
But blessings sent over the walls of Sodom and Gomorrah
To reach you in your lingual heart
As those with hidden agendas continue to Babble On
Sincerely
A citizen of Babylon

A Lesson in Living

I was going to write a long drawn out edited version of the drama and the bull that has occurred behind my back and then rudely to my face within the past 48 hours. But God kept interrupting while I was attempting to write it. Called my good friend and expressed my confusion with the situation. She understood. Although generalized and abstract, she understood and gave me much needed advice. I walked away from it feeling a little bit better.

So then I open my email and it continued; the drama. Although I have my comments about that mess too.... I wont. I know that I am just hurt and saddened and feeling disrespected so that is when my tongue flies off the handle. I spew truth like this was judgement day and someone told me to tell what I know to make it into the gates. Which is wrong. So then I get on the phone with my crush and he tells me to just let it go. He knows I am upset about something, doesn't know what it is... but doesn't want me to be upset any more. I know he heard the hurt in my voice.... so I get off the phone with him and... here in my cubicle at work... I just pray. I mean I have been on and off this phone all day asking for generalized advice while leaving out names, changing the situation, and yet stating the facts...only to find what I needed in prayer.

Bowed head I ask for guidance. I gain understanding and know that I cant fix the past. I know that I said some truthfully hurtful things in that email. Cant take them back.... therefore... all I have control over is the now. So I write an apology letter. Here it is:

Hello,

I have no say in what you choose to believe or the manner in which you chose to address it, but I do have to take responsibility for my actions/words issued in that email response. And for that alone.. I apologize. Believe who and/or what you want.... I prayed over it and come to realize that I shouldn't have to prove myself to someone that I thought was my friend just like you shouldn't have to doubt someone that you thought was your friend. This should be a learning lesson for both of us. And it will be. After praying, and taking some time to reflect... it has been put on my heart to say this:

[Female name] made a valid point of my response being over the top and/or hurtful. How she didn't like my humor, although I wasn't trying to be. [P.S. I called you [Insert Nick Name here] when I [engages in socializing] for [insert abstract here] so it wasn't used to be spiteful. And often times [the leader of the pack] would joke and say that you did a ton of [verb here], hence the comment about [made up entity here]. Wasn't using it to put you in a certain light... so I apologize about that as well] After responding then reading her email again, I agree. Though all words were truthful, be it yours, mine, or our truths, there was a better way to handle it. I do extend my virtual hand in peace and in forgiveness for how it was issued and how I received it, and an apology for the way in which I handled it. Strange? Yes, I know. I just don't want to move past today w/ hate/hurt/disrespect on my heart due to gossip, hearsay, and miscommunication. I cant take back what and how I said things in that email, but I can clear my karma so that I don't carry this incident with me. View me as you please... that is between you and who you answer to. I just had to get that off my chest with a clear and clean heart.

I had a blast [verbing] with you all. Was proud to see where you started and will be more than amazed at where you are headed. We are all merely but a dot in time so this moment and any moments before it wont matter. Therefore I pray that any negativity that always manages to find its way back to [you] is overshadowed with honest and positive deeds that you issue out into the world. May you brush your shoulder off and carry away only the lessons. May God bless each of your health, minds, careers and business ventures with success. And I mean that.

I walk away from this with sealed lips of events witness, words exchanged, and lessons learned. When asked about [you] due to my previous association.. I guarantee that I will answer with "I got busy, but I send God's blessings in their direction." If you don't hear that... then it wasn't me. No hard feelings even though I wish not to communicate with any of you any further. Not hateful... just traveling on a road on which I think we are now headed in different directions; no road more worse or better than the other... just different. Didn't mean to bother you.... but I close this chapter of my life with a smile on my heart and blessings issued to you in clear conscience and an apology from someone who really did have your back. God bless!
~~Arch Nemesis
P.S. No need to reply... I wasn't looking for anything in return, nor do I expect to get a response.. just had to literally clear the air.

So there it is. My apology. I cant make someone believe me who doesn't want to. I cant make people understand what really went down. And the hoards of "people" that seem to always find his ear to tell him what I have said.......all of them, these "people" are vapor to me. B/c when I lose friends that I use to talk to daily b/c I have gone into my own little world. Or people that I cant communicate b/c I don't even use a phone.. I find it funny how I can somehow manage to find these "people" to talk to and they take gossip back to him. I see it as God's way of me walking away at a time when I probably stayed too long. It was fun while it lasted. I have a ton of stories of what I saw with my own eyes, some good and bad, but if my best friend doesn't know.... I really need to figure out the technology used by "these people". lmao! It is what it is. More could have been said out of spite that was truth... innocent people could have been hurt for being clueless... but it really isn't worth it. This is the last that I will speak of this. My karma is clear... forgiveness and apology was issued. I just hope that all parties change for the betterment of the community. Stop thinking that you are the be all and end all and make or break people.... and I hope that I learn that just because you believe in someone else, doesn't mean that they believe in you. What a lesson. What a hard lesson to learn.... but I've got it. Not all blame falls on the other parties..... but my response has a lesson in it too. Thanks for reading.

Rape 8-10-09

Rape

by: Arch Nemesis

Is it not rape

draped in expectation

sugar coated with promise

then taken out of context

rape

when delicate soul issues trust

extends fortress gates for entrance

friendship molested and housed in secrecy

see

Lauryn found the joy of her world

while I found an opportunist there

3 miles south of the wind blowing from Jerusalem

offered Samaritan blessings

bathed him in oils

wrapped warm in lessons learned in Magdalene's trade

This done willingly

But is it not rape

when understanding gets drafted to war

secretly baptised in the blood of Iphigenia

Convincing enough to have Pharaoh let his morals go

As the peoplelites danced in the sea

telling tales that the opportunist once walked on Poseidon's roof tops

So

is it not rape

when freedom dangled before them for 39 nights into the journey through the wilderness

Blunt as deceptions

Used by Peter to deny me 3 times before the curtain closed

rocked me in the bossom of Abraham

gave dap to Issac

and begot a lie

Named my brother Cain

and history is what was done to me

Therefore who am I?

Dare not I call it by its name?

Rape

dressed in taxpayer's linens

Thief of Hope

painted secretly beside him

As he dined

the only one in the room

knowingly aware of his departure

Smiled boldly in our face

without a solid goodbye

Confused as to the Messiah or Judas

My wares tucked in his back pocket

Cock crows

Hung high

It was I

2days before the third

who rolled the stone away

to get back in my pride

Destroyed the evidence of him having ever made me a believer

Only to discover that my trust had died with him in the tomb

so I ask

Is that not rape

Rookie Tale: Conversation w/ God 8/6/09

Time: 11:53pm EST
Location: West Palm Beach, FL Marriott Hotel Rm 236

I had a conversation with God. Somewhere around lap 3 and lap 7 when my knee decided it wanted to give out while on the treadmill in the hotel's fitness center, God decided to appear. Cant remember if I called him or if He decided to talk to me. Either way... I had a conversation with God. Found true meaning in what it meant to let Him do what He does without question. Humbled into submission, asking for forgiveness for my not having known better. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

I had a rough night tonight. Team went in with our confident swag, had hope stored on chests like 50's bullet proof vest, at best we felt great. Walked and talked with one another like fear was merely a word we long to spell so long ago that we couldn't remember its origin. We had faith. Hit the streets to compete with blessings on our lips I tell you we were our own Shits.... prop makers... hype man and the like. But it lasted about as long as the comprehension of those judging us. Nothing could be said about the scoring system and why they chose to score the ways they scored. Never going first in a slam in my life I did so tonight and I live in should haves and maybes with the highest score on my team I still felt like I could have done more. Could have gotten higher to push us up for shore... I tell you nothing prepared me for our 3rd place score. Reality set in. I still tried to find the faith, but amongst comments from team members I was unsure. Just said prayers in notebooks and wanted to remove myself from the energy.

Hopped on the free city trolley and walked in darkness along Okochobee St by myself in dark hours across railroad tracks and back entrances to hotels to find peace. In search of some sort of solace to make sure that I wouldn't fall into depression. Unsure of what this meant for my team and I. Unsure of what all of this meant for myself. Had I failed? Had I not done well based on rankings? Could there have been something that I could have done to make it all work out differently. I tell you... I wanted to find peace. Told teammates I was going to come back to the hotel and then the gym.

Reached the room and immediately changed into my workout clothes. Sat on the bed and checked all of my Internet pages; Facebook, Twitter, Tagged, Yahoo, etc. Just trying to find distraction, or maybe find peace but I was here in this room by myself and I was thankful for the few moments of peace. Enters in one of my team mates. Rumors of having walked a mile to a closed liquor store only to wind up at Publix to buy liquor. Mumbles of dramatic happenings of his favorite & lucky shirt not being so lucky. I didn't need to hear bullshit. I needed positivity from teammates. I needed support to say, "It doesn't matter we went balls out and we did the damn thing." But I didn't get that. Everyone heals in their on way but do not impose your negativity into my healing process. So I adorn headphones to tune them out. Quickly pick up the page on email checking and swiftly leave the room w/o so much as a goodbye. I had to get to the gym.

Never been one to head to the gym when I am confused but my soul told me to. Told me to hit the treadmill. Didn't ask questions, nor refuse I just did it. Told myself I was gonna walk for 10 minutes at 3.6 and then I was going to run for ten minutes at 4.0. But somewhere between me promising myself that and actually beginning to run, God came in. Told me look at the monitor. Told me that I was at a pace of 15min/mile and to run for 15 instead of my regularly scheduled 10 and so I did. Literally at 12 minutes my right knee cap felt like the patella had a mind of its own and wanted to pop and/or jump ship but I jumped in mid run and caught it before it did. Called on God and said, " You cannot let me stop now. Me and You, Lord. Just you and I" And it was. Looking into the glass mirror on the wall before me. Not paying attention to the Neffie & Frankie preview that was on the TV on BET, no.. .it was me & God in the mirror. Asking Him to watch over my legs. Telling him that he cannot let me stop. And it was. And as my 15 minutes got closer I told Him I was gonna run to 16 just to say I did it and then some. I had a conversation with God.

Talked with him and thanked Him for letting me make it through. Told him I see that this was not about me, nor about my team it was about the experience. About having the blessing to even be worthy and able enough to be here. No religious fit or soapbox rant. I tell you. I am blessed to be here. After all that I have been through in my life and the past two months, this is suppose to be a wonderful experience. And so it shall be. Prayed over actions and or thoughts that may have been out of His likeness and purely of my own. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

Asked Him to watch over my teammates and remove the negativity that I may see in them that may be a reflection of me. For them to enjoy the trip regardless. I tell you...this was a moment that I shall never forget. Don't think that I could explain to you how I was on the treadmill for an hour. Ran walked for 10, ran for 16, and walked the rest. My doctor told me I need 45 minutes of cardio 4days/wk. But I wanted to do more. Then did 100 crunches, 50 oblique crunches on each side. 20 leg lifts and 50 girl push ups. Stretched and just learned to live in the moment. Never been so proud of myself before in my life. I made it here. I cant win everything. I cant be the best at everything. This year may or may not be my story. I need not worry about it. Just live and give it to God. He will handle it. There was/is nothing I can do but wait til the posting of the teams. I will praise Him just the same no matter what the outcome may be. You see... I trust His judgment and He has never disappointed me and I know that he wont start now. I feel better about the whole situation and I am ready to shower and head down to the Lobby and congratulate the teams and check on the scores. I am not effected by what happened last night or tonight. No blame is put on anyone. Not worried about it any more. I am victorious just by being here. Victorious because I believe that I am. Victorious because others believed in me from the jump. I am and will remain victorious with or without making it to finals.. hell even semi-finals. And I am sincerely.... honestly... perfectly okay with that and trusting in God's plan for me. I tell you God is awesome. And I know... because tonight, somewhere between lap 3 and lap 7....yeh.. it was Him.... I had a conversation with God!

Rookie's Tale 2: Count Down to Travel

The count down has begun.

The time is now 2:56pmEST. Oh Boy!

So this morning after I wrote my intial thoughts.. I began my journey. I am still shaking. I dont know why. My stomach is feeling upset, I tried to eat a slice of pizza... but that made me sick. If I were sexually active I would swear I was pregnant.. but dang! No peace. So I double checked everything, put my toothbrush in the suitcase and was ready to head out the door.

NOw, whatever possessed me to NOT ask my roommate to give me a ride to the end of the street with all of my luggage... well whatever it was.. hell, it just was. And it was the dumbest idea ever. I didnt want to pay for parking when I could just walk to the end of my street, forgetting that I had a backpack, purse, and a 50lb suitcase going strictly up a winding hill. Well, at least I got my cardio in for this morning. But it sucked the entire way. (Pause....stomach feeling like it wants to growl but wont...smh) So I get there and I have missed the R2 bus. SUCKS!

So I stand there for 30 minutes talking to this random stranger, never got his name, but I think he was from El Salvador. I also think that he was trying to hit on me and check out my ass... but I could have just been hallucinating from the trek up the side of Mount Rushmore aka my street. But we talked and I found out his work schedule... etc.. and etc... and etc.. I swear I was listening.. and etc, and etc.. did I mention that I was listening? Good, because I was. I swear on a stack of hollow bibles! Well the bus comes and it stops at every single stop on the map. I swear that bus driver created a few stops just to personally piss me the hell off. I was already late for work, but I didnt care.. I'm going to West Palm Beach, bitches! We finally make it to the metro and I ride the yellow line in to work.

Once I get here... no one and I mean no one was here. Not anyone that I would need to do any work for. Damn shame.. I could have stayed at the house if I would have known this. But hell, who cares I am here now. KNocked out a few things, printed out every form I may need while at Nationals.... and I have been on Twitter.com since 10am. Fun times. I literally have 30 mins to look at anything related to work and then the auto-email is going up. 30 minutes to get food and then I am on the next metro train to Reagan National Airport to check in and off I go.

So....as the rookie. I can say that I am confident in my work, yet anxious to go to the arena where the big dogs hang. Wondering will this take away my rookie status that has shielded me for the past , almost, 3 years. I have a lot to learn and I hope that I am not that far behind the learning curve. Wow... This is what Dorothy must have felt like right before the sky got grey.. she knew a storm was coming.. but didnt know what to expect. I dont think I'm in Compton any more Roscoe!


Stay tuned!

A Rookie's Tals: The Morning of NPS Travel

Today is August 3, 2009. Time 6:26am.

I am a Rookie. Been on the scene since 2007 but people dont believe it. Hell they didnt believe it then when I hit the stage with my poem "My Name Is". Thought that I had been in the game for a minute, I guess my theatrical training helped build up the momentum of stage presence. Who knows. But two years later, not that many people in the DC scene have come on after me, made a name for themselves and stuck around. SO technically... I'm still the rookie in D.C. Will be a rookie nationally as well b/c they still dont know me. Doesnt matter that I have been undefeated for two years in just about every competition that I have every entered into...got vet poets shook when I enter a slam... no today none of that matters. Today is the day that I head to PSi's National Poetry Slam competition in West Palm Beach Florida.

I literally just woke up. Stank breath, blurried eyed, and anxious, all in the anticipation of stepping on a national stage and saying "This is me bitches! Love me or hate me, this is my cadence. I breathe allteration, fucked a sonnet once, and dare you to fuck with my haiku." Yes, today is the day that the Rookie leaves the nest. My first year trying out for slam team and I made it.... yes, today is the day that I prepare to show them what I've got; even though I dont even battle until Wednesday.

My Busboys & Poets 11th Hour/DC Slam team is comprised of Jonathan B. Tucker, 13 of Nazareth, andTsion the Wordsmith, and I am the only girl, but I bring heat packed tightly in an energized tongue just like my male teammates. Our team energy is undeniable, we work well with one another and, hell, we actually LIKE one another. This is the journey of the rookie.

More blog entries to come... this was just my first thought when I woke up this morning. Said a prayer to God to watch over my nephews, thanks Him for giving me the opportunity to even make it to this moment, the moment where I can sit here and type this. Today, is the day that I set the pace. Put up, or shut up. This is a Rookie's tale.

~~Arch Nemesis to BS

Your Mojo: A Ride or Eat Chick

So, I have a support group of some of my closest and use to be closest friends. The topic is weight loss and the trials that we go through in order to get fit/in shape/skinny/thick/trim/blah blah blah/& shut the hell up/& fit the status quo/& in a societal stereotypical nutshell... perfect

Below is on of my long winded responses to one of my friends. I hope it makes sense to everyone... but I meant every word of it from the heart. She is unique, blessed, and beautiful on the inside and out... and I dont mean that in a patronizing cause we're both plus sized girls kind of way... but I mean that honestly! No first week of American Idol "baby you can sing (when you really cant)" lies here... no sir-ree Bob!

SO here is my advice for her today:

Awww.. I feel the love! lol. I wonder why you and I weren't closer in school either. But girl, life comes full circle and I am glad to have you as my diva now! & that is all that matters.

I am glad that the list gave you an example to use when setting up organization and prioritizing. And when it comes to weight.... literally sit down and ask yourself when did you start to notice the weight gain then think about this:
1. What was going on around the time you noticed it
2. What habits were causing it
3. Why did you choose to let it continue
4. What tasks do you miss doing that weight has become an issue

I answered all of these. My answers were I noticed the weight gain when I became pregnant with Zay's daughter. The habits that caused the weight gain were stress from his ass, hormones from the pregnancy, and stress from family and [BEST SCHOOL EVER!] University. I chose to let it continue (at the time I didn't know that I was choosing it...but it was a choice) b/c it was convenient. It was convenient to grab McDonald's on the way to class, or eat out with my friends every night, and instead of hitting the gym, it was time to nap or party some more. It also became a shelter... an excuse later on. Once I reached a certain point my weight became a way for me to keep males like Zay away who would hurt me. B/c no man wants a plus size girl, right? But as my 29th birthday is sneaking up on me like the IRS to a bank account.. I am realizing that this here is me, but not who I want to be.. not any longer. I miss dancing how my brother Stephen and I use to on the dance team. I miss playing football on Saturdays with friends or faking like I can play basketball just to have something to do. I miss being able to go into any damn store that I want and buy clothes. I HATE being stuck in 4 stores (Ashley Stewart, Lane Bryant, Debbie's, & Torrid) where EVERY other plus size girl has to wear the same thing as me. And half the time the shit isn't even cute.. you need a PhD. in creativity to make some of that hideous stuff look even remotely cute! So.... I had answered my own question of "why me?" Hell... the answer was "B/c its me!"

Now that I had the answer to the above questions. I knew I needed support, less judgment, honesty and action. SO I started moving. I confess to my mistakes, stay blunt and open about it. and I keep it moving. The trick is to NOT lose your mojo b/c you think it is attached to a certain size of you... the trick is to know that your mojo is your best friend and that bitch is wearing the same damn size as you. She will never leave you. She will eat that pizza with you and walk with you on the track. Your mojo is a ride or eat chick! You decide. Embrace your current mojo. Love her as she is waiting to love you back. That love will translate into moving you into action.... trust me. At each size... once I had it in my head... I was sexy that day! Every morning I made my mojo wake the hell up and get on her job, no vacations. And when she was slipping... I gave her incentives to get better. It is a journey, diva. A journey that I am here with you if you need advice. Sorry I am long-winded... but I understand. Being close to 300lbs wasn't pretty. I have photos if you doubt that I got that big from the thin thing I was in high school.. but I did. And On Wednesday I said goodbye to another size... I don't plan on going back. If I can do it.. I know that you can.. and will. Love ya!

Day 1: Fitness Challenge (229lbs)

Hey y'all!

I feel.... tired! lmao! But I do feel proud of myself and energized. I didn't go to the gym last night because I had sooo much to do before Sunday so I decided that I would begin this morning. I also decided that morning exercises, though i hate to get up, would be better because nothing but a virus could get in the way of me getting up. I tend to find a million reasons not to go to the gym in the evening. SO morning workouts will have to be it.

I have a poem coming, but in a nutshell it will be about the vibe we put off about ourselves. We can say we are confident, feel beautiful, think we are all that, etc... but if you don't really feel that or believe that then the energy in how you respond to things (whether it be upset that your man just glanced at another woman, wondering why you are still single, or disappointed at your fitness level) will always spill out into the universe and people will pick up on it and respond to it in many different ways, good or bad. So, I am on a mission to become the answer to my own problem. Makes no sense in trying to handle other things if I can handle myself and the physical house that I have no choice but to live in. So, I am cleaning my home-home and I am cleaning my home(body). Time to show people I care about me rather than living in an unkempt house, random depression, what if & why questions, and risking health. I have placed myself into a prison.... no one but me did that. SO I don't need anyone's permission to bail myself out.

If you don't feel the same way... that's okay. This is just the conclusion that I came to on my own. Makes no sense for me to wonder why life is passing me by if I am just sitting there letting it. So yeah... clarity is here! & hopefully it is here to stay. Even ate a spinach croissant for breakfast. I just need to get down 4-5lbs by next Wednesday... that is all I really give a damn about right now. Well... have a blessed day!

Plus Sized Bonding

I read a letter on VentLetters.com about a plus size woman and how she felt when it came to the dating scene. I felt her pain and felt compelled to respond. Below is my response.

We've heard it all before. But when are we gonna be the answer to our own problems/concerns/gripes? I use to be a small size US 8. Loved it. Fell in love got pregnant and blew the hell up. I have photos of me toppling 300lbs and people think I doctored the photo. I heard the comments, walked into clubs with guys yelling "Damn there must be a buffet inside.". You name it.. I heard it. I felt it, too.

But over time, I realized that there were things that I wanted to do like I use to but couldnt any more because of my weight. Dumb dudes didnt make me eat 4 slices of pizza in one sitting, or eat out every day b/c I refused to cook. I was the root of my own pain. I had to admit that. Found what I used as excuses to eat, sought out help, pulled away from the program, slipped up on meal plans, quit going to the gym, etc. But again... I started to see that if I was smart enough to understand everything else in the world.. why was I the one thing that I couldnt pass on a test. SO each day is a struggle but I look at it by the hour.

Each hour I have goals. Drink this nasty ass water, avoid the candy lady in the next cubicle, take public transportation just to take extra steps, go window shopping and leave my purse at home, take stairs no matter what....all while eating ANY DAMN THING I WANT but smaller portions. 1slice instead of 4, half a burger instead of a whole, half a cup of coke instead of a full bottle. And by changing just my eating habits I went from 250-229 (as of my weigh-in this morning I weighed 229) And now it is time to get down 5 more lbs.

I am not doing this for a man.... I am doing this for me. I want to get on rides, go canoeing, dance for hours, wear clothes that really fit my personality. It is a journey... not a destination. and I am learning to love myself throughout the entire journey. If you need anyone to talk to... hit me up on Twitter. I promise I can help you take it step by step. From one intellectual plus size girl to the other. I'm here if ya need me. God bless!

Black in America

Black In America

by: Arch Nemesis

To blacks
I wear my blackness like a badge
To some whites

I wear my blackness as a crutch
Not too bad of an interpretation
For what I feel is a crooked honor.
I have no choice but to be black
Whites wont let me forget
And blacks wont let me lay it down
I got a chip on my shoulder
From carrying this burden that I didn’t ask for
But God gave to me anyway
Got me scared to take shows
Where I would be the only shadow
b/c I don’t think that they would get my shit
Would write stuff to appease my pockets
But would wind up denying myself
I’m ready to lay this nonsense down by the riverside
Admit that I had no clue who Mumia was
Cant recall the name of the chick in Cuba
And outside of Malcolm and Martin
Fenced in by Rosa & Coretta
Civil aint ever been my right
But my burden inherited
Taught the definition of injustice before I could spell my name
Neck poppin
Tongue clicking
Like I was the one in chains
I want to know if black is the only definition of me
Am I only as good as a mug shot comparison
Didn’t take the bigots on lawns of Coon Rapids, Minnesota
Or clueless racist in a Maryland mall to make me know that
I don’t understand being black
But somewhere along the line
It was embedded that I need to defend it
Defend it to the death of self
Cause interpretation of my skin
And who I will be because of it will never die
Don’t understand why I have to fill in a box
When I’ve never fit in a box
Outside of the closed minds
Minds who tag me before I open my mouth
I act this way because I feel this way
I dance this way b/c my soul responded
I talk this way b/c my mind relates better
And I wonder if my color had anything to do with it
I tell you there is nothing like being stabbed by the needle of a purple heart
To be stabbed by the thorns of a crown
Or tripped by the tassels of your royal sash
And told no matter what
You must hold your head high
Despite the weight of the world running through your mind
Dragging your neck downward
If only for a second to contemplate
why
I’ve got centuries of pain running through my veins
And on the best of days I feel superior to next of kin
Challenged the imposed superiority of other men
But at the end of the day
After the degrees
The heartache
The 401ks
I too am just a nigga
Draped in the latest fashion trends
Fighting for a seat at the table of a world
A world who keeps screamin’
Seat taken
At decibels that
Apparently
Only niggas can hear
As I keep my neck in steady rotation
Just to cling on to the one thing
The one thing that society keeps telling me I should know
Even though I just want to be human
Not just a color
I didn’t ask to be
Sometimes hate to be
Majority of the time proud to be
But today
I honestly dont understand what it means to be
Black in America

Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman

So,

Here I am, sitting in my house, minding my own business when Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman comes on the TV on the BET channel. I love this movie. I fell in love with the plot when I first saw the play years ago in Minnesota the summer that nothing seemed to be going my way. I felt her pain, or at least I made myself feel her pain. Had never had a guy lay his hands on me but I had have a guy beat my soul within an inch of hell and make me feel like it was my fault because I stayed.

Even today, I love this movie... but I am somewhat depressed over watching it. I hate that i can still relate to her,the lead character. I feel as if I am in the same place now that I was 7 years ago; hurt, broken,defensive...and just lonely. Thankfully my standards have risen dramatically since then, but i think that I have blown holes in my future through my actions of being hurt. I often times wonder just how many times I have made the next guy pay for thelast guy's mistakes, even though I say that I dont. How many times have I given myself in hopes that he would be the one only to run him off or have him question if I was the one.

Movies like this depress me because hearing Shamar say the lines when he is proposing to her.... it gives me hope but then it hurts my heart b/c I wonder if I will ever be girly enough, or slim enough, or submissiveenough to ever get and or deserve a guy who wants to say those things to me. There, there lies my Achilles heel. Feeling like I am worthy of a guy to love me for me without having to change or morph to get him to like/love me. I want to believe that guys like that exist, but then I have learned the hard way to stop believing in fairy tales. I have to live in the now... andmy now is that no one is knocking down my door to be in a serious relationship with me,but there are tons of guys knocking down my door to fuck me. Thankfully for me, I chose celebacy in February and have been holding down the fort every since then and I am proud of myself.

But I wonder if I have passed up on healthy relationships because I let fear guide my actions. I dont even want a boyfriend... I would like to go on dates with someone who I am honestly attracted to, not just a friend. But someone where the feelings are mutual. Someone who will eventually feel like they wish to be exclusive with me. I wonder. Not stressing because then I will only get more depressed, but I guess this is the start of Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman. Wonder how this will turn out. I feel I will get married eventually... I just want to be young enough to enjoy it. So I guess that is my prayer to meet my husband and build a friendship with him. To have him enjoy me as I am, flaws and all. To be willing to fight for my attention and not give up on me. I want to see him for who he is... flaws and all. I wantGod to make me perfect for HIM and for him. In due time. Well.... that is my vent.

Sincerely,

Unfortunate Black Woman

Sister's Keeper

Sister’s Keeper
7/14/09

From baited virgin legs
To smoke filled incestuous kisses
Or crumpled toes stomped by boots
In domestic combat
I was my sister’s keeper
From silent alarm clocks
Ringing awake eternal sleep
To championship matches,
Center kitchen,
Children ringside
I was my sister’s keeper
Unaware that I was un-kept while keeping keepsakes un-wanting keeping
See
No one
Told me that my sister was Misery
And for once she didn’t want my company
Baited in by tears & Korean threats
Israeli & Pakistani meet
Fighting for the same thing
But one of us has got to leave
I chose me
Refusing to be used
By her being abused
Lied to in the dead of daylight
With truth ducking under beds
Waiting for her man to come home
Fear stood between us
My nephews hugged ankles
Like titanic hugged icebergs
And she took responsibility
For sinking her own ship
Like the coward captain who didn’t want to face the masses
Theatrical
Yet not dramatic
Bullshit piled on debit cards
Transported upstate on a melancholy mutt
Served cold as a delicacy
And I was still stupid enough to be my sister’s keeper
But even dumb enough to think that Martin Luther King Jr. Love could keep her
Fighting back Gandhi in dreams to get to her coffin
Waking to empty beds
Nephews no longer there
I’m coughing
Choking
Wondering where did I go wrong
Did I drop the ball?
Did I drop my end of the bargain?
As Roosevelt perch on pillows reminding me of
Johnson’s promise to reconstruct my family
Oath bound by biblical quotation
Revelation
It was brother not sister bound by lock and key
How stupid of me to think that I had to be My Sister’s keeper
She left me this time
Back to the arms of a man who didn’t want her
But since I resigned
He
Can keep her.

Violence...

So,

While I was back home for my HS reunion, my sister's boyfriend decided to act an ass. I guess he figured that since my sister allowed that shit tht I was gonna let it fly too. HELL NAWL!!

First I kept my mouth closed while he talked to my sister any kind of way that he wanted to talk. I didnt want to risk my sister coming to his defense saying that I was stepping in on her affairs. I even kept quiet when she found 3 condoms and a hotel room key in his pocket. First off... he has been with my sister for 3 years, hence my lil nephew.. and they have never used protection. My sister now has the mirana (sp) which is a UID that prevents pregnancies... so why the hell do you need condoms? Secondly, a hotel room key... busted. But she didnt snap, so I kept my mouth closed. One night he said he was going to work so I thought that I would swing past.. and sure as hell.. he wasnt there. I let it slide on the surface. Until the night when he woke me up in the room at 1am asking to see my car keys so he could move my car out of the driveway. I said hell nawl. Asked where he was going. He said that he was going to take his sister something.

AT 1AM NIGGA? really. Do I look ALABAMA COTTONFIELD STUPID?!!! SO I said, okay. Cause on beknown to him, I sleep hella light. I heard his ass when he took a shower, wasnt so damn sleepy that I didnt notice that he had put on fresh gear. I mean really... you getting fresh for your sis at 1am? This was ALabama but NOT KENTUCKY!!! so I let his ass pull out of the driveway, waited a minute and then followed his ass. I guess he forgot that I know where his sister stays at. Well first he stopped off at the gas station.. possibly to get some more condoms since my sister had his other ones..lol. And I sat across the street. I thought he was going to head in the other direction so when he came out he saw me in the shadows of the parking lot. Hell, I wasnt afraid of him so I stared his bitch ass back down. He drove off and pulled into the IHOP and just sat. I turned around and went back to my sister's house. I woke her up. She didnt even know that he was gone, and damn sure not in her car. It was on.

I went and laid back in bed with my nephew in his room. My other lil nephew was in the bed with my sister. As soon as that bitch nigga walked in the house... it was on!!! My sister confronted hima dn I heard all of his lies. I mean really, if you were gonna drop something off for your sister she could have driven the remainder 5 blocks from the IHOP where she said he met her. I mean the house was down the street. I laid there all calm, laughing at how he said he bought the condoms cause my sister said he came too quick...lmao! I mean damn, if you are gonna be a bitch nigaa, at least be able to hold it down in the bedroom...lol. I lay there calmly.. until I hear my sister tell him not to put his hands on her because she didnt put her hands on him. I slowly pull back the covers and put on footo n the floor. Ready to beat his ass like I wasnted to when I arrived. My sister walks into the room fuming and I tell her to bring the baby into the room with me b/c he doesnt need to be in the middle of all that fussing. She leaves, comes back and tells me that he said no. No? Wait... did this bitch ass nigga just tell me no? I politely reply, while pulling the rest of the covers back and getting out of the bed " Well, unfortunately I dont think I posed it as a question. I said bring the baby here" And I walk into the master bedroom and proceed to get my nephew. I crawl onto the bed softly and politely (honestly) w/o any attitude and ask him to hand me my nephew b/c he didnt need to be in the middle of this. He now has my 4month old nephew on his chest refusing to give him to me. Well... I ask one more time telling him that my sister is not finished fussing and he can come get the baby from me as soon as they are truly finished. He starts to pull my nephew by the arm and my nephew starts crying. I trll him to gie me the baby and he pushes me. MISTAKE. I'm awake now.. and he should have asked about me!

See... my reputation of whooping ass, male or female, preceeds me in the state of ALABAMA. The stories that people could tell you would shock you. So... he could have stood in the middle of the street and asked about me long before I arrived to figure who I was, adn if he were wise he would have left my sister years ago in fear that I would kill him for being a bitch nigga. But no... he thought he was the shit. So after being pushed backwards, I tell him that he messed up when he hit my sister, but he REALLY fucked up when he pushed me... and I punched that nigga dead in his jaw; repeatedly!! He gets up with my nephew and backs up into the corner yelling for me to move. I told the BN to make me move. Since he likes hititng on females so much.. make me move.

He jumps over the bed and tries to make it to the front door to run out with my nephew. I hate it when people underestimate my thickness. I beat the nigga to the front door and told him that if he could make it past me that he deserved to take my nephew out of that house. hahahaah. This negro decides to call his sister and tell her that we were over there double teaming her. I told him KayKay could come too b/c I havent beaten a bitches ass in a minute but i would love to stomp her in the ground too. Told him that two could play that game and called 911. Told them that I was about to put my security clearance on the line and they might want to call the cops and bring the ambulance for Corey BITCHASS Harris too! My sister goes to get my nephew and he clothes lined her. I punch that nigga in his eye and the pain hurt so much that he dropped my nephew and I caught him, safely. Told him to leave the house before I committed a felony. And he walks all down the street claming that we are through. The cops show up.. take a report and tell us they will circle to look for him.

I told my sister to rest. When she woke up a few hours later... we threw all of their clothes in trash bags and spent about 2 hours trying to find a hotel where no one there knew him or would try to tell him that she was there. I later went back and cleared out the rest of his shit, and called Rent-a-center to get the furniture. Called her friend to come and get the groceries and clean up any last minute things. All done in one day. Day two, she got her last check, notified her job, returned her car, got all of the kids vital records, forwarded and cut off all bills to the house and I bought them a bus ticket and luggage. We packed all of their stuff and we drove to ATL so that he wouldnt try to catch her at the local bus station.

Once she got up here.. we had to find a place for her to safely stay and my place wasnt cutting it. So we got her into a domestic violence center. And I didnt know that they would cut her off from the world.. even me! I havent spoken to her or my nephews in a week. I hope that she isnt mad at me because I called the day after to try and speak with her and they pretended like they didnt know me. I left a message to call me back and my work number and I dont know if she got it. I hope that she contacts me when she gets out. I pray. Well.. that is my rant on that for now.