I Wrote: A Poem

I Wrote
by: Arch Nemesis
© 2009


If tears were ink
To an outsider
My face would appear tatted
And my pillow ruined
But what they don’t know
Is that
I’m writing you a poem in saline
Those were the words I typed him
Typed him
Before
Before
Before I came to my mother lovin senses!
Consensus, please
Why is it that I have to wait
For you to decide if
You want to be with me
Honey see
You knew I was crazy before you met me
Saw ass
Got tail
Now want to play friend
Well honey I don’t sleep with my friends
And you know more of me than I of you
True
But boo
You’re buggin over an email
She mailed you
To which you replied
Didn’t deny
Yes I read
What you said
Told on myself and let you know

Now you automatically go into emotional limbo
When I have the right to place judgment
On your lack of tact to leave it open
On my laptop
And you wouldn’t be concerned with not trusting me
If I didn’t see what you wrote
Which could have me not trusting you
But you flipped script
Got me stressing out over this bullshit
That you got busted in
Thinking that I cant tell that
The only thing stopping you from not being my lover
Is you wondering if benefits come w/ being friends
No
My final answer is
You will only be my friend
You’ll be first hand witness to what you could have had
Nothing worse than tasting perfection
Then watching someone else add too much salt to your plate
I will not continue to feel sorry for what I apologized for
Cant help who I am and you blame me for it
Say you forgive me
To remain distant
Forgiveness is active
Not passive
And this passive aggressive shit is annoying
Thank you for your honesty
But honestly
You talked enough for me to listen
To the bullshit that you tried to convince me as truth
Loved how your parents loved w/o pinpointing reason
Then cant be w/ me after an apology
B/c you’ve got to take time to think things through
Well you thought it through
This is the end
You needed space to think
Which gave me space to see that
You may not be the one for me
You don’t get to decide my fate
Can’t see through my crazy tirades
Temporary blackouts
Couldn’t turn them into kinky trysts and voyeur adventures
Tried to make sense out of purposeful senselessness
While I held who you were
And who you had become
Grew curious as to where I fit in
Never judged
Just dove in and said let time define the space
B/c my understanding of you could be wrong
Me thinking things through
Can only take me to the limits of my experience
And maybe everything about you that annoyed the shit out of me
Was meant to make me grow past my insecurities
See past the previous bullshit issued to me
Or maybe showing affection to you was enough to make me smile
Make me feel I was alive
B/c I have so much to give
But I wasn’t allowed to issue my opinion
You said it yourself
You’re capable of convincing people of things that aren’t true
You’ve done it for years
Well you convinced me that I was something you kind of
Chose to do
And could choose not to do
Like now
By leaving me to wonder was it all even worth it
So here I stand
With so much more to say dangling on my lips
Ready to spew secrets out of spite
But cant
Because I actually cared
And unlike you
I understood that people make mistakes
I forgive
Actively
Besides
Nothing is gonna hurt you more
Than knowing that you can only be my friend from here on out
Now these were the words I wrote
After I smiled at giving up on someone
Who couldn’t make up their mind about actively forgiving me.