A Lesson in Living

I was going to write a long drawn out edited version of the drama and the bull that has occurred behind my back and then rudely to my face within the past 48 hours. But God kept interrupting while I was attempting to write it. Called my good friend and expressed my confusion with the situation. She understood. Although generalized and abstract, she understood and gave me much needed advice. I walked away from it feeling a little bit better.

So then I open my email and it continued; the drama. Although I have my comments about that mess too.... I wont. I know that I am just hurt and saddened and feeling disrespected so that is when my tongue flies off the handle. I spew truth like this was judgement day and someone told me to tell what I know to make it into the gates. Which is wrong. So then I get on the phone with my crush and he tells me to just let it go. He knows I am upset about something, doesn't know what it is... but doesn't want me to be upset any more. I know he heard the hurt in my voice.... so I get off the phone with him and... here in my cubicle at work... I just pray. I mean I have been on and off this phone all day asking for generalized advice while leaving out names, changing the situation, and yet stating the facts...only to find what I needed in prayer.

Bowed head I ask for guidance. I gain understanding and know that I cant fix the past. I know that I said some truthfully hurtful things in that email. Cant take them back.... therefore... all I have control over is the now. So I write an apology letter. Here it is:

Hello,

I have no say in what you choose to believe or the manner in which you chose to address it, but I do have to take responsibility for my actions/words issued in that email response. And for that alone.. I apologize. Believe who and/or what you want.... I prayed over it and come to realize that I shouldn't have to prove myself to someone that I thought was my friend just like you shouldn't have to doubt someone that you thought was your friend. This should be a learning lesson for both of us. And it will be. After praying, and taking some time to reflect... it has been put on my heart to say this:

[Female name] made a valid point of my response being over the top and/or hurtful. How she didn't like my humor, although I wasn't trying to be. [P.S. I called you [Insert Nick Name here] when I [engages in socializing] for [insert abstract here] so it wasn't used to be spiteful. And often times [the leader of the pack] would joke and say that you did a ton of [verb here], hence the comment about [made up entity here]. Wasn't using it to put you in a certain light... so I apologize about that as well] After responding then reading her email again, I agree. Though all words were truthful, be it yours, mine, or our truths, there was a better way to handle it. I do extend my virtual hand in peace and in forgiveness for how it was issued and how I received it, and an apology for the way in which I handled it. Strange? Yes, I know. I just don't want to move past today w/ hate/hurt/disrespect on my heart due to gossip, hearsay, and miscommunication. I cant take back what and how I said things in that email, but I can clear my karma so that I don't carry this incident with me. View me as you please... that is between you and who you answer to. I just had to get that off my chest with a clear and clean heart.

I had a blast [verbing] with you all. Was proud to see where you started and will be more than amazed at where you are headed. We are all merely but a dot in time so this moment and any moments before it wont matter. Therefore I pray that any negativity that always manages to find its way back to [you] is overshadowed with honest and positive deeds that you issue out into the world. May you brush your shoulder off and carry away only the lessons. May God bless each of your health, minds, careers and business ventures with success. And I mean that.

I walk away from this with sealed lips of events witness, words exchanged, and lessons learned. When asked about [you] due to my previous association.. I guarantee that I will answer with "I got busy, but I send God's blessings in their direction." If you don't hear that... then it wasn't me. No hard feelings even though I wish not to communicate with any of you any further. Not hateful... just traveling on a road on which I think we are now headed in different directions; no road more worse or better than the other... just different. Didn't mean to bother you.... but I close this chapter of my life with a smile on my heart and blessings issued to you in clear conscience and an apology from someone who really did have your back. God bless!
~~Arch Nemesis
P.S. No need to reply... I wasn't looking for anything in return, nor do I expect to get a response.. just had to literally clear the air.

So there it is. My apology. I cant make someone believe me who doesn't want to. I cant make people understand what really went down. And the hoards of "people" that seem to always find his ear to tell him what I have said.......all of them, these "people" are vapor to me. B/c when I lose friends that I use to talk to daily b/c I have gone into my own little world. Or people that I cant communicate b/c I don't even use a phone.. I find it funny how I can somehow manage to find these "people" to talk to and they take gossip back to him. I see it as God's way of me walking away at a time when I probably stayed too long. It was fun while it lasted. I have a ton of stories of what I saw with my own eyes, some good and bad, but if my best friend doesn't know.... I really need to figure out the technology used by "these people". lmao! It is what it is. More could have been said out of spite that was truth... innocent people could have been hurt for being clueless... but it really isn't worth it. This is the last that I will speak of this. My karma is clear... forgiveness and apology was issued. I just hope that all parties change for the betterment of the community. Stop thinking that you are the be all and end all and make or break people.... and I hope that I learn that just because you believe in someone else, doesn't mean that they believe in you. What a lesson. What a hard lesson to learn.... but I've got it. Not all blame falls on the other parties..... but my response has a lesson in it too. Thanks for reading.