Rookie Tale: Conversation w/ God 8/6/09

Time: 11:53pm EST
Location: West Palm Beach, FL Marriott Hotel Rm 236

I had a conversation with God. Somewhere around lap 3 and lap 7 when my knee decided it wanted to give out while on the treadmill in the hotel's fitness center, God decided to appear. Cant remember if I called him or if He decided to talk to me. Either way... I had a conversation with God. Found true meaning in what it meant to let Him do what He does without question. Humbled into submission, asking for forgiveness for my not having known better. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

I had a rough night tonight. Team went in with our confident swag, had hope stored on chests like 50's bullet proof vest, at best we felt great. Walked and talked with one another like fear was merely a word we long to spell so long ago that we couldn't remember its origin. We had faith. Hit the streets to compete with blessings on our lips I tell you we were our own Shits.... prop makers... hype man and the like. But it lasted about as long as the comprehension of those judging us. Nothing could be said about the scoring system and why they chose to score the ways they scored. Never going first in a slam in my life I did so tonight and I live in should haves and maybes with the highest score on my team I still felt like I could have done more. Could have gotten higher to push us up for shore... I tell you nothing prepared me for our 3rd place score. Reality set in. I still tried to find the faith, but amongst comments from team members I was unsure. Just said prayers in notebooks and wanted to remove myself from the energy.

Hopped on the free city trolley and walked in darkness along Okochobee St by myself in dark hours across railroad tracks and back entrances to hotels to find peace. In search of some sort of solace to make sure that I wouldn't fall into depression. Unsure of what this meant for my team and I. Unsure of what all of this meant for myself. Had I failed? Had I not done well based on rankings? Could there have been something that I could have done to make it all work out differently. I tell you... I wanted to find peace. Told teammates I was going to come back to the hotel and then the gym.

Reached the room and immediately changed into my workout clothes. Sat on the bed and checked all of my Internet pages; Facebook, Twitter, Tagged, Yahoo, etc. Just trying to find distraction, or maybe find peace but I was here in this room by myself and I was thankful for the few moments of peace. Enters in one of my team mates. Rumors of having walked a mile to a closed liquor store only to wind up at Publix to buy liquor. Mumbles of dramatic happenings of his favorite & lucky shirt not being so lucky. I didn't need to hear bullshit. I needed positivity from teammates. I needed support to say, "It doesn't matter we went balls out and we did the damn thing." But I didn't get that. Everyone heals in their on way but do not impose your negativity into my healing process. So I adorn headphones to tune them out. Quickly pick up the page on email checking and swiftly leave the room w/o so much as a goodbye. I had to get to the gym.

Never been one to head to the gym when I am confused but my soul told me to. Told me to hit the treadmill. Didn't ask questions, nor refuse I just did it. Told myself I was gonna walk for 10 minutes at 3.6 and then I was going to run for ten minutes at 4.0. But somewhere between me promising myself that and actually beginning to run, God came in. Told me look at the monitor. Told me that I was at a pace of 15min/mile and to run for 15 instead of my regularly scheduled 10 and so I did. Literally at 12 minutes my right knee cap felt like the patella had a mind of its own and wanted to pop and/or jump ship but I jumped in mid run and caught it before it did. Called on God and said, " You cannot let me stop now. Me and You, Lord. Just you and I" And it was. Looking into the glass mirror on the wall before me. Not paying attention to the Neffie & Frankie preview that was on the TV on BET, no.. .it was me & God in the mirror. Asking Him to watch over my legs. Telling him that he cannot let me stop. And it was. And as my 15 minutes got closer I told Him I was gonna run to 16 just to say I did it and then some. I had a conversation with God.

Talked with him and thanked Him for letting me make it through. Told him I see that this was not about me, nor about my team it was about the experience. About having the blessing to even be worthy and able enough to be here. No religious fit or soapbox rant. I tell you. I am blessed to be here. After all that I have been through in my life and the past two months, this is suppose to be a wonderful experience. And so it shall be. Prayed over actions and or thoughts that may have been out of His likeness and purely of my own. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

Asked Him to watch over my teammates and remove the negativity that I may see in them that may be a reflection of me. For them to enjoy the trip regardless. I tell you...this was a moment that I shall never forget. Don't think that I could explain to you how I was on the treadmill for an hour. Ran walked for 10, ran for 16, and walked the rest. My doctor told me I need 45 minutes of cardio 4days/wk. But I wanted to do more. Then did 100 crunches, 50 oblique crunches on each side. 20 leg lifts and 50 girl push ups. Stretched and just learned to live in the moment. Never been so proud of myself before in my life. I made it here. I cant win everything. I cant be the best at everything. This year may or may not be my story. I need not worry about it. Just live and give it to God. He will handle it. There was/is nothing I can do but wait til the posting of the teams. I will praise Him just the same no matter what the outcome may be. You see... I trust His judgment and He has never disappointed me and I know that he wont start now. I feel better about the whole situation and I am ready to shower and head down to the Lobby and congratulate the teams and check on the scores. I am not effected by what happened last night or tonight. No blame is put on anyone. Not worried about it any more. I am victorious just by being here. Victorious because I believe that I am. Victorious because others believed in me from the jump. I am and will remain victorious with or without making it to finals.. hell even semi-finals. And I am sincerely.... honestly... perfectly okay with that and trusting in God's plan for me. I tell you God is awesome. And I know... because tonight, somewhere between lap 3 and lap 7....yeh.. it was Him.... I had a conversation with God!