Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman

So,

Here I am, sitting in my house, minding my own business when Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman comes on the TV on the BET channel. I love this movie. I fell in love with the plot when I first saw the play years ago in Minnesota the summer that nothing seemed to be going my way. I felt her pain, or at least I made myself feel her pain. Had never had a guy lay his hands on me but I had have a guy beat my soul within an inch of hell and make me feel like it was my fault because I stayed.

Even today, I love this movie... but I am somewhat depressed over watching it. I hate that i can still relate to her,the lead character. I feel as if I am in the same place now that I was 7 years ago; hurt, broken,defensive...and just lonely. Thankfully my standards have risen dramatically since then, but i think that I have blown holes in my future through my actions of being hurt. I often times wonder just how many times I have made the next guy pay for thelast guy's mistakes, even though I say that I dont. How many times have I given myself in hopes that he would be the one only to run him off or have him question if I was the one.

Movies like this depress me because hearing Shamar say the lines when he is proposing to her.... it gives me hope but then it hurts my heart b/c I wonder if I will ever be girly enough, or slim enough, or submissiveenough to ever get and or deserve a guy who wants to say those things to me. There, there lies my Achilles heel. Feeling like I am worthy of a guy to love me for me without having to change or morph to get him to like/love me. I want to believe that guys like that exist, but then I have learned the hard way to stop believing in fairy tales. I have to live in the now... andmy now is that no one is knocking down my door to be in a serious relationship with me,but there are tons of guys knocking down my door to fuck me. Thankfully for me, I chose celebacy in February and have been holding down the fort every since then and I am proud of myself.

But I wonder if I have passed up on healthy relationships because I let fear guide my actions. I dont even want a boyfriend... I would like to go on dates with someone who I am honestly attracted to, not just a friend. But someone where the feelings are mutual. Someone who will eventually feel like they wish to be exclusive with me. I wonder. Not stressing because then I will only get more depressed, but I guess this is the start of Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman. Wonder how this will turn out. I feel I will get married eventually... I just want to be young enough to enjoy it. So I guess that is my prayer to meet my husband and build a friendship with him. To have him enjoy me as I am, flaws and all. To be willing to fight for my attention and not give up on me. I want to see him for who he is... flaws and all. I wantGod to make me perfect for HIM and for him. In due time. Well.... that is my vent.

Sincerely,

Unfortunate Black Woman