Simply put.... WTF????!!!!!!!!!
So, there was this guy that I was kicking it with. From my perspective, we were just Frienefits! There was nothing said up front about why the two of us were even kicking it with one another. HE fit into my schedule. He was busy with Softball and I was busy with my Extracurricular activities. He would come and kick it with me at my spots before Softball Tournaments began and I missed those days, yet understood he had to do what he loved to do. NO prob there. He also has the most adorable lil girl that I have ever laid eyes on. His daughter is sassy personified, and just brilliant. You have no choice but to smile when you see a pic of her. He makes a wonderful father and I know that takes up time too. Coming to think of it... I never even asked for his time. I let him offer it.
I learned the hard way that if someone wants to be around you, then trust they will find a way for the two of you to meet up and kick it without any excuses, despite obstacles, all for the time they want to share. So, when he did come over it was ( and I will take blame here) almost like it was for sex only! I mean even enemies talk, but not us so much. And yet, I still thought that he was a cool kid, a tad bit insecure in himself, yet hella sexy, my ideal guy physically...just not there for me emotionally or attentively. So, sex it was, and sex it stayed.
Side note: He has this obsession or lack of obsession... borderline phobia of kissing. So, he lets me know that. So even during sex I am feeling like a hoe that I have to dodge his mouth when trying to get some passion back from him. I mean even hoes say they will do everything else but wont kiss, and that is what I felt like. The hired help, so to speak. This lack of kissing took me out of a wonderful moment ( did I mention that he is beautifully blessed? if not, well now I did) so it just sucked ( no pun intended) that I couldn't get any passion back from him. SO I take full responsibility for making myself feel like a hoe with a guy who didn't kiss me.
He also doesn't hug, hold hands, or much other affectionate stuff unless we cuddle after sex.....a shocker! I think his cuddling is the most affectionate that he ever gets and I enjoy it. It is just hard to connect with a person who you never, see never talk to, and when you do it isn't much talking, there is no affection there, but rather just pure lust with no point.
So I gave up. I played my part as the frienefit. I made sure I didn't ask for any of his time. I called to return a call as not to take up any of his time. And I went about my business. So, in doing so...going about my business that is.... I made up my mind on a lot of things. Those things being:
1. No more frienefit situations
2. I am not ashamed of this situation.... simply because I learned from it
3. The next person was not going to be faulted
4. I dont return back into history.....so I would move forward after him.
Shortly thereafter I started crushing on a friend of mine who I hang out with all the time but am just now starting to notice him in that way. He is not really my conscious type, but there is something about him that makes me gitty and all girly. So, the new guy has been popping up everywhere that I am (not in a stalker type way, but more like a... I want to kick it with you kind of way) The new person by the way is the guy in my Sexy Nerd Blog. Now, the new guy shows up to an event that I am hosting.. out of the blue. He has never come to this event before. But there he is. So... I make sure I make him feel at home because he came by himself and had a ball. I would walk over too him and wrap my arm around his waist and rub up and down his lower back. He reciprocated in the most gentle and gentleman like way that it made my heart melt.
At one point in the night I actually closed my eyes when he had taken his had off my back for a long period of time, and prayed that he would put it back. And he did....small prayer answered. He offered to buy me a drink, and I would have let him... but I don't have to pay for drinks at this event so I got him a free drink instead because I would have felt guilty for him having to pay for a drink I get for free. Otherwise I would have gladly let him be the guy and get it for me. Hope that didn't backfire. But I got hungry so I went and got a Salmon Caesar salad.... and I fed it to him. I wanted to share..... so I thought, what better way to flirt...than to feed him the food. He embraced me the whole time we stood up near the bar as I fed him. Then we joked about having fish breath. When it was time to go, I left early with him and we separated as he walked me to the metro and he went into the opposite direction.
So, Saturday I am IM-ing the old guy and said, "well since you are in my friends' category for like..uumm.... life, I need your advice. " To which he said okay. Upon relaying the story... the old guy told me that he was jealous that I never fed him!!! Sorry... frienefits don't get the romantic benefits. And I was thinking to myself.... when Was I suppose to have time to feed you again? And over the course of the conversation... I just blew up!!! I was pissed. Where was all of this attention when I was waiting for it? I could care less about time... I know that sounds weird, but I do like attention. An email that says hello... says a whole lot more than 3 hours of talking. Odd, yet so true. The times that we did spend together could have been more memorable if a hug, or a kiss were exchanged.
To which he replies, "if you would have kissed me I wouldn't ave turned away". WTF!!!? Why am I always stuck in these bitch ass situations where the guy leaves it up to me to do everything. If you want to freakin kiss me, BITCH ASS, JUST KISS ME!!! Not calling anyone in particular a bitch ass....just the bitch ass who waits for me to do it. I mean really. I am not one of those pushy girls any more... I dont have the energy or the emotional strength to chase a guy, plus.. I'm not even suppose to. So... if anyone wants me, they have to work for it. And the old guy wasn't making his "like" for me...if that, known so I moved on. And that is how I prepared myself for a wonderful evening with friends.....lol.
I just don't get it, when I am in your face, you don't want me, then the minute that I step away you get jealous (real or faux). But I don't backpedal either.... he can thank the bitch asses before him. I will NOT run after a guy.... Thanks Mr. TN III for teaching me that valuable lesson of stupidity. So, now I can go on to living my life having got that out of my system.
So, there was this guy that I was kicking it with. From my perspective, we were just Frienefits! There was nothing said up front about why the two of us were even kicking it with one another. HE fit into my schedule. He was busy with Softball and I was busy with my Extracurricular activities. He would come and kick it with me at my spots before Softball Tournaments began and I missed those days, yet understood he had to do what he loved to do. NO prob there. He also has the most adorable lil girl that I have ever laid eyes on. His daughter is sassy personified, and just brilliant. You have no choice but to smile when you see a pic of her. He makes a wonderful father and I know that takes up time too. Coming to think of it... I never even asked for his time. I let him offer it.
I learned the hard way that if someone wants to be around you, then trust they will find a way for the two of you to meet up and kick it without any excuses, despite obstacles, all for the time they want to share. So, when he did come over it was ( and I will take blame here) almost like it was for sex only! I mean even enemies talk, but not us so much. And yet, I still thought that he was a cool kid, a tad bit insecure in himself, yet hella sexy, my ideal guy physically...just not there for me emotionally or attentively. So, sex it was, and sex it stayed.
Side note: He has this obsession or lack of obsession... borderline phobia of kissing. So, he lets me know that. So even during sex I am feeling like a hoe that I have to dodge his mouth when trying to get some passion back from him. I mean even hoes say they will do everything else but wont kiss, and that is what I felt like. The hired help, so to speak. This lack of kissing took me out of a wonderful moment ( did I mention that he is beautifully blessed? if not, well now I did) so it just sucked ( no pun intended) that I couldn't get any passion back from him. SO I take full responsibility for making myself feel like a hoe with a guy who didn't kiss me.
He also doesn't hug, hold hands, or much other affectionate stuff unless we cuddle after sex.....a shocker! I think his cuddling is the most affectionate that he ever gets and I enjoy it. It is just hard to connect with a person who you never, see never talk to, and when you do it isn't much talking, there is no affection there, but rather just pure lust with no point.
So I gave up. I played my part as the frienefit. I made sure I didn't ask for any of his time. I called to return a call as not to take up any of his time. And I went about my business. So, in doing so...going about my business that is.... I made up my mind on a lot of things. Those things being:
1. No more frienefit situations
2. I am not ashamed of this situation.... simply because I learned from it
3. The next person was not going to be faulted
4. I dont return back into history.....so I would move forward after him.
Shortly thereafter I started crushing on a friend of mine who I hang out with all the time but am just now starting to notice him in that way. He is not really my conscious type, but there is something about him that makes me gitty and all girly. So, the new guy has been popping up everywhere that I am (not in a stalker type way, but more like a... I want to kick it with you kind of way) The new person by the way is the guy in my Sexy Nerd Blog. Now, the new guy shows up to an event that I am hosting.. out of the blue. He has never come to this event before. But there he is. So... I make sure I make him feel at home because he came by himself and had a ball. I would walk over too him and wrap my arm around his waist and rub up and down his lower back. He reciprocated in the most gentle and gentleman like way that it made my heart melt.
At one point in the night I actually closed my eyes when he had taken his had off my back for a long period of time, and prayed that he would put it back. And he did....small prayer answered. He offered to buy me a drink, and I would have let him... but I don't have to pay for drinks at this event so I got him a free drink instead because I would have felt guilty for him having to pay for a drink I get for free. Otherwise I would have gladly let him be the guy and get it for me. Hope that didn't backfire. But I got hungry so I went and got a Salmon Caesar salad.... and I fed it to him. I wanted to share..... so I thought, what better way to flirt...than to feed him the food. He embraced me the whole time we stood up near the bar as I fed him. Then we joked about having fish breath. When it was time to go, I left early with him and we separated as he walked me to the metro and he went into the opposite direction.
So, Saturday I am IM-ing the old guy and said, "well since you are in my friends' category for like..uumm.... life, I need your advice. " To which he said okay. Upon relaying the story... the old guy told me that he was jealous that I never fed him!!! Sorry... frienefits don't get the romantic benefits. And I was thinking to myself.... when Was I suppose to have time to feed you again? And over the course of the conversation... I just blew up!!! I was pissed. Where was all of this attention when I was waiting for it? I could care less about time... I know that sounds weird, but I do like attention. An email that says hello... says a whole lot more than 3 hours of talking. Odd, yet so true. The times that we did spend together could have been more memorable if a hug, or a kiss were exchanged.
To which he replies, "if you would have kissed me I wouldn't ave turned away". WTF!!!? Why am I always stuck in these bitch ass situations where the guy leaves it up to me to do everything. If you want to freakin kiss me, BITCH ASS, JUST KISS ME!!! Not calling anyone in particular a bitch ass....just the bitch ass who waits for me to do it. I mean really. I am not one of those pushy girls any more... I dont have the energy or the emotional strength to chase a guy, plus.. I'm not even suppose to. So... if anyone wants me, they have to work for it. And the old guy wasn't making his "like" for me...if that, known so I moved on. And that is how I prepared myself for a wonderful evening with friends.....lol.
I just don't get it, when I am in your face, you don't want me, then the minute that I step away you get jealous (real or faux). But I don't backpedal either.... he can thank the bitch asses before him. I will NOT run after a guy.... Thanks Mr. TN III for teaching me that valuable lesson of stupidity. So, now I can go on to living my life having got that out of my system.
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