Played: A Poem

Played

by: Arch Nemesis

©2009

He played man
Dressed in life’s lessons
Smoking on regret’s pipe
With responsibility branded on his chest
He had the look
Of being different from the others
Carefully calibrated calculations
Of how to caress my emotions
He played concerned
Buttoned up over guilt of what went down
He was convincing
In how he showed me his likeness
This
Was the turning point for me
B/c he
Auditioned well
Spoke the lines as if he wrote them himself
Upstaged the truth
And monologues his intentions
Soliloquies of past tendencies
But
Changed man
Was the Character placed before me
Should have known
That costume changes are expected in this play
Theatrical standard that becomes boring
If it doesn’t occur
And soon
What is expected
Is change
Climax with no resolution in site
He is protagonist
With an antagonist’s spite
He lied
Went against script
And then hugged me
To hold my heart in place
Re-synchronizing our heart beats
So that I couldn’t tell that his
Was different from mine
He in Guys and Dolls
While I sang the chorus’ warning in Antigone
Wiping my tears with Tom Stoppard’s manuscript
Understanding that
“It is in God’s humor
to direct our hearts to all
but those who have a right to it”
Looking for stage exits from this Greek tragedy
B/c I’m stuck in Elizabethan ideals
Women were not suppose to be on this stage
We were intended to be it
Hence
The true meaning of this being a man’s world
And all the world
His stage
Walked on
Each page he made an appearance
Why didnt I see it
See his costume
See his blocking
See the de dum de dum de dums
In his sonnets
He may as well have been Shakespeare’s muse
Amusing my fancy
Because he was to me
Who he portrayed to be
And everyone but me knows
That the lights eventually dim
Make-up gets removed
And costumes hung back up
Seemingly apparent to being a play
But this is my heart
It has no understudies
And he knew that
Cast me in this role
Took the lead and played his part well
Yes
He played interested
Available
Passionate
And willing
It was his intentions that projected lies
I see the conclusion now
The play didn’t end the way that the prologue alluded to
Just disheartening
To think
You found someone who isn’t like the others
Only to find out
That he just dresses up better
He fit the role
Played it well
Who am I to blame him
For being a good actor
Yes, a good actor
His role
He played it well
He played
My man

Perceptions: A Poem

Perceptions

by: Arch Nemesis

©2009

Perceptions
Are merely deceptions
Assigned to you
Lingering in your eye sight
As if lies like
To play with your emotions
Chasing after tail & feather
When you’re allergic & ticklish
Wondering why you’re shivering
And itching
But I guess
It is all about your perception
Cause from here
It could look like the Harlem Shake
But fool you live in Texas
Keep chasing her or him
Just because you figure
This time
Will be different
Believe me
Leaving the movie on pause
Doesn’t change the ending
It just means
You will pick back up where you left off
On pause
Or making up the ending in your mind
Going against the script
Changing the plot & characters
As if you cant see
That they will never be what you want them to be
Cause their actions
Are hell bent on proving to you that their not.
Stop Watching
Time
As if it is a thief in your store
& you just so happened
To have shape shifted w/ God
Like
It’s destined to stop for you
Like
This life is your command
Make believe them perfect
Instant
Like On Demand
Falsehoods more dangerous than Watts
Where Robin Hood
Steals from reality
And gives to the pathetic
As if
Meter races get extended
And don’t change name
Like
Just because you add a ball to a track runner
It won’t change games
It is all about the depths of your deceptions
Color coded based on a technicality spills in Aisle 5
And you came to clean up
With your own set of solutions
Part Peroxide
1/3 hallucinogenic oxymoron
And 4 quarters full blown lie
Making
Perception
Wearing your mama’s good draws
On a bad day with holey stockings
Trying to show off your best assets
Putting them up on the foreclosure auction block
With no collateral
When your morals got its lien on
In clubs
Holding up walls
Like Jericho is running through your veins
And you
Would rather hold up something not worth holding
Than to love yourself
To prevent your own soul from falling down
But maybe
Through your deception
You gain the altered perception
That maybe,
Just maybe if you save this soul
And succeed
That you will feel you have the strength within
The strength needed to believe
That you were worth it all along
No matter what anyone else said or did
Erasing all of the falsehood perceived within
Getting to the point of understanding
That they need to earn you
Learn to get past the hurt in you
Punish the lies before they baptize truth
But what do I know
I’m just a poet who wrote this poem about you
Standing in the bleachers calling the plays
Because I’m too scared to talk about me
Too afraid to be a player on that same field
Because I am unable to see past the defensive line
Deception preventing me from seeing
That I am only one letter off
From coming to the conclusion
That it is just a defensive lie
My deception
Being projected in your reflection
B/c it’s safe there
But I guess it just all depends
On my
Perception

Draft

Draft
By: Arch Nemesis


He spoke in inconstant consonants
Wrong em-pha-sis on wrong syl-lab-les
Silly how
He had me hooked
Shook
Nicknamed vibrato
Between the tone in his voice
Denying truth
Making his meta-threes
Metaphors
Because that is what I do
More than upgrade
With him
I spell checked
Sipping his weighted seas
Gram-mar
Searching for similes
In inconsistencies
Sprayed across the mic in limelight
Just to write poetry in the dark
Tasted ink
Tickled by quill tips
Tantric draft
Unaware I wouldn’t make it to the final cut
Open mic’ed
Slamable
But unworthy of slam
I took preacher for poet
Pencil for pen
Boy turned man,
Dressed up gentleman
Turned insecure again
Hidden behind a tongue
That erased my fears
Kept me w/in margins
Thinking
I’m his new poem
Sincere in his sincerely
Good in his bye
How’d I
End up as a draft
Rough
Unedited
Worked over
Practiced
The predecessor to greatness
Ignored punctuation
Puncturing wounds
Held my monologues captive
To portray single sided dialogue
He spoke with conviction
Opening convents
Equipped with pulpits
To baptize the believer of his words
Tithing 10% of truth
For hundredfold dollar bills
On recycled poems
The size of mustard seeds
Planted on stages
Watered with pages
Promising the MC
He’d stay w/in time
Featuring w/ a poem
Similar not familiar to mine
No this poem
Was memorized
While I laid patiently
Desktop
Waste side
w/ the rest of his concepts
Left blowing in the wind
Watermarked
Draft

A Dream: This house

So,

Over the years my friends have hung out with me and have noticed that I love to say the phrase "Wouldnt it be funny if." When in fact, there would be nothing funny about it because what I would say would shortly thereafter, sometimes almost instantly, come true. So, something told me to write this dream that I literally just had. Some of the details are fading the more I wake up but hopefully I will get the gist of it. Not sure of the order.

Side bar: This Bhhendi Masala is good! Eating leftovers!

Well once I was able to go to Pier 1 and saw some kind of decoration and said.... this would look good in my Aunt's bathroom. Without noticing that I had never been to my Aunt's new house. 6 months later we ended up moving in with her and in fact..... it would have gone perfectly in her house.

This dream went as follows:

I was standing outside of what appeared to be a two-story white house with black trimmings. Almost barn-like details. Not really sure. I remember talking to someone, who I think my current mind associated with as my current roommate KL). I stood there and I told her... do you want this bedroom, pointing to the bedroom at the front of the house to the left, which does not have a direct bathroom connection or you can have that bedroom, pointing to the room on the risght side of the house, which has the master bath. Of course she replied with the master bathroom. I have no clue why I was in a bed, but I remember saying that I will move this bed into the bedroom on the first floor off from the living room for guests. I specifically remember saying , " You know, for when you have multiple friends come over, they can stay in there." Strange, because we dont have a ton of people staying overour house... but I guess it could be someone I have yet to meet.

So I remember walking into what I think is my room which is upstairs and to the left. Huge room, just sucks that the bathroom is across the hall and I remember not liking that b/c I like my privacy. It was on the same hallway as my roommate's room. I also remember being on the first foor and walking back to where my mind would have prefered a kitchen but running into this small tiny table with this victorian looking lamp/lampshade. The light wasnt on, but I still have a clear view of the wooden door it was sitting beside. There was a fire alarm lever, like how you see in schools, sitting there on the wall beside the door. The door looked like it had been painted over dark , dark, dark brown and it had a thick piece of wood crossing the upper door frame that fell into a latch and then had a huge padlock on it. I still have no clue why a door would look like that inside of a residential home but I do remember feeling physically erie and saying, " I dont like this in case of a fire." Hope that is not prophecy.

I walked back out into the living room and I heard my roommate call "Dad". For some strange ass reason, I drop to the floor and slide under the coffee table. I hear the tolet flush and a door open from the bathroom on the first floor across from the living room....and out comes this little high yellow baby boy with curley hair. My roomate asks, "Did he go?" to which a male voice said, yes. Another little boy, an identical twin, comes from around the corner where the stairwell was and appeared before me. I have no clue where they went and I never saw the man. Now that I think of it... I never saw the staircase either, I would just appear on the top floor. I dont even know if there was a basement.

I guess the part that threw me off was me asking my roomate if she was going to party and she said she didnt know what she was going to wear. She then asked me if I had the dress that I had given, and she gave a specific name but it escapes me now, and I told her let me unpack and I would find it. Specifically, and I remembber doing a hand gesture that implied the clothese were folded as I said, "It will be easy because I packed my clothes just as they were inside of the drawer." And I imagined a grey.silver form-fititng dress that stopped shortly below the butt. I also remember having a brief vision of dancing in the dress, but I never dreamed ever giving my roomate the dress. What is strange is.. .my current roommate and I dont wear the same size clothes. So I have n oclue who that is. All I can currently hope is to lose enough weight to wear the same size as my roommate...lol.

I cant remember anything else... oh.. for some reason when I was outside of the house.. there were two people, but I dont remember who the second person was... and it was night time when I aked from outside which bedroom my roommate may want. Odd, right? Well I will keep you abreast of any new details. I have never seen this house before in my life......so the details are far beyond me!

So here is what a site says about interpreting this dream just in case it isnt a prophecy or preminision (sp):

1. Inability to find the bathroom:
To dream that you can not find the bathroom, signifies that you are have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions.

2. Bedroom:
To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature.

3. Locked doors:
To dream that the doors are closed or locked, signify opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you are having some anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned (I dont like this one at all.... b/c I think I know which lesson I continue to fall on and I dont want to learn that lesson the hardway... so maybe this is a wake-up call. I gotcha. I hope that how I feel right now is the fullest extent of this)

4. Floors (Like how I fell to the floor):
To see the floor in your dream, represents your support. It may also represent the division between the unconscious and conscious.

5. Hallways:
To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes self exploration and the beginning of a path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase in your life and journeying into the unknown. It signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.

6. New house:
To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life. If you are locked out of the house, then it represents rejection and insecurity. You feel you are being left behind.

7. Kitchen:
To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for warmth and spiritual nourishment. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are caring for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen, represents a transformation. (But I dont remember seeing one at all so it could mean the opposite of this)

8. Living Room:
To dream that you are in the living room, represents the image that you portray to others and the way which you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are.

9. Different rooms:
Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.

10. Children (specifically 2):
To dream that you are watching children but they do not know you are there, is a metaphor for some hidden knowledge or some latent talent which you have failed to recognize.

11. Twins:
To see twins in your dream, signifies dualities and opposites. It also represents security in business, faithfulness, and contentment with life. It may also mean that you are either in harmony with or in conflict between ideas and decisions.

12. Visitor (the father):
To have a visitor in your dream, signifies that some news or information is on its way to you. It may also indicate love is around the corner. Alternatively, it suggests that you are experiencing a new phase in your life. If the visitor is unwelcome, indicates your refusal to change

13. Brown:
Brown denotes worldliness, practicality, domestic and physical comfort, conservatism, and a materialistic character. Brown also represents the ground and earth. You need to get back to your roots.

14. Black and White:
To dream in black and white, suggests that you need to be more objective in formulating your decisions. You may be a little too unyielding in your thought process and thus need to find some sort of balance between two opposing views. Consider the views and opinions of others. Alternatively, black and white dreams is a sign of depression or sadness. You may feel that there is not enough excitement in your life.

15. Silver:
Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

16. Grey:
Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant or detached. (I dont like the ill health part... but I am currently sick)

I wish I could find what it meant to go under the table. But it keeps telling me that a table is about relationships.... who knows. OK. I'm done.

Babble On by Arch Nemesis

Well, I have had some things on my heart & spirit for a minute. And in order for me to be through with it I have to pray about it and then write it out of my system. So this poem is comprised of my feelings about 6 people over the past 4 years of my life. Be it not trusting in me, believing hearsay, or creating something out of nothing due to paranoia. I am not phased by it. Reaching an age where I am use to it and I just wish that people would learn how to communicate better. I guess you could say this is an ode to nonsense and those who keep it alive....and a prayer for those who believe in it or are ignorant to its existence. I hope that you enjoy. God bless to the 6 people in this poem... still no hard feelings, but wrote in truth and still sending positive prayers & blessings in your direction. Just that our season is up.It was fun while it lasted & I learned a lot. Love ya!

Babble On
By: Arch Nemesis
8-16-09

They sat in trenches
Sniffing a$$ like bitches,
Supposedly
Hearing truth in the land of Babylon.
Translated truth and made it myth,
Lost it in translation and made it lie.
My,
How you surround yourself
With people who wallow so low.
Bound to you in loyalty
And you manage not to smell the shit.
Dripping off tongues
Explained away as the predecessor to roses
Less we forget
Banned books concealing transgressions
Burned at the stake of being your friend
Religion edited
Prayers said to include
In his bullshit we trust
Thus
Monkeys become blind, deaf and dumb
And although monkeys see
They just let Masa do
Ducking at darts of retaliation that always seems to find
You
Shielded in hushed lips to conquests moans
Dare I say I had faith in you?
But never believed in the façade paraded
Masqueraded and danced in pulpits
As we all got behind you to hold up the corners of your wobbling soapbox
We, the people
Turned peasants in the shadows of informants
Whose secret operations
Became undercover paparazzi to document what we say
Because truth can’t be sold on the front street so easily
But it is here where the stench lies
In having one’s back
But being backless
Seems inevitably pointless
Jest strapped to truth
Defendant w/ labeled prosecutors
Who don’t tell you their defense plan
Until after the trial is through
Accusations hurled behind backs of others
And dare I believe now
When words were not spoken before
I’ll hold on to those who speak evil of me behind my back
Than those who smile proudly to my face
At least I’ll know them full circle
It is a dance
Where I have rhythm
Build the cadence
Hit high hats
Over the snares of haters who bounced off beat
To the 2step of your friendship
How were they ever to hear my words
Sounding over the roaring melody of
Bitch this aint your business
And if it were
Why are you eavesdropping?
Like pride divorced you and etiquette banished you from decency
Lips tied tighter than presidential pages
Yet sensitive over what wasn’t said
Versus what could have been
Babylon
Never meant to be deciphered
And those who try
Can’t be trusted by those who speak the same tongue
For how did you learn the tongue
Of those purposefully segregated by God
Latin translates different than Ebonics
Reason left out
And tone muted for bullshit
Deaf to screeches of dead marches of foot soldiers going AWOL
To the cause of CIA
Cause See I Aint never said a lie
But I have spoken truth
Whose themes
Were misinterpreted to unequal equivalents in your native tongue
Be it not my place to find a word for
Listen
Hear me out
How do you say
We thought we were each others friends
Be it now or never
But blessings sent over the walls of Sodom and Gomorrah
To reach you in your lingual heart
As those with hidden agendas continue to Babble On
Sincerely
A citizen of Babylon

A Lesson in Living

I was going to write a long drawn out edited version of the drama and the bull that has occurred behind my back and then rudely to my face within the past 48 hours. But God kept interrupting while I was attempting to write it. Called my good friend and expressed my confusion with the situation. She understood. Although generalized and abstract, she understood and gave me much needed advice. I walked away from it feeling a little bit better.

So then I open my email and it continued; the drama. Although I have my comments about that mess too.... I wont. I know that I am just hurt and saddened and feeling disrespected so that is when my tongue flies off the handle. I spew truth like this was judgement day and someone told me to tell what I know to make it into the gates. Which is wrong. So then I get on the phone with my crush and he tells me to just let it go. He knows I am upset about something, doesn't know what it is... but doesn't want me to be upset any more. I know he heard the hurt in my voice.... so I get off the phone with him and... here in my cubicle at work... I just pray. I mean I have been on and off this phone all day asking for generalized advice while leaving out names, changing the situation, and yet stating the facts...only to find what I needed in prayer.

Bowed head I ask for guidance. I gain understanding and know that I cant fix the past. I know that I said some truthfully hurtful things in that email. Cant take them back.... therefore... all I have control over is the now. So I write an apology letter. Here it is:

Hello,

I have no say in what you choose to believe or the manner in which you chose to address it, but I do have to take responsibility for my actions/words issued in that email response. And for that alone.. I apologize. Believe who and/or what you want.... I prayed over it and come to realize that I shouldn't have to prove myself to someone that I thought was my friend just like you shouldn't have to doubt someone that you thought was your friend. This should be a learning lesson for both of us. And it will be. After praying, and taking some time to reflect... it has been put on my heart to say this:

[Female name] made a valid point of my response being over the top and/or hurtful. How she didn't like my humor, although I wasn't trying to be. [P.S. I called you [Insert Nick Name here] when I [engages in socializing] for [insert abstract here] so it wasn't used to be spiteful. And often times [the leader of the pack] would joke and say that you did a ton of [verb here], hence the comment about [made up entity here]. Wasn't using it to put you in a certain light... so I apologize about that as well] After responding then reading her email again, I agree. Though all words were truthful, be it yours, mine, or our truths, there was a better way to handle it. I do extend my virtual hand in peace and in forgiveness for how it was issued and how I received it, and an apology for the way in which I handled it. Strange? Yes, I know. I just don't want to move past today w/ hate/hurt/disrespect on my heart due to gossip, hearsay, and miscommunication. I cant take back what and how I said things in that email, but I can clear my karma so that I don't carry this incident with me. View me as you please... that is between you and who you answer to. I just had to get that off my chest with a clear and clean heart.

I had a blast [verbing] with you all. Was proud to see where you started and will be more than amazed at where you are headed. We are all merely but a dot in time so this moment and any moments before it wont matter. Therefore I pray that any negativity that always manages to find its way back to [you] is overshadowed with honest and positive deeds that you issue out into the world. May you brush your shoulder off and carry away only the lessons. May God bless each of your health, minds, careers and business ventures with success. And I mean that.

I walk away from this with sealed lips of events witness, words exchanged, and lessons learned. When asked about [you] due to my previous association.. I guarantee that I will answer with "I got busy, but I send God's blessings in their direction." If you don't hear that... then it wasn't me. No hard feelings even though I wish not to communicate with any of you any further. Not hateful... just traveling on a road on which I think we are now headed in different directions; no road more worse or better than the other... just different. Didn't mean to bother you.... but I close this chapter of my life with a smile on my heart and blessings issued to you in clear conscience and an apology from someone who really did have your back. God bless!
~~Arch Nemesis
P.S. No need to reply... I wasn't looking for anything in return, nor do I expect to get a response.. just had to literally clear the air.

So there it is. My apology. I cant make someone believe me who doesn't want to. I cant make people understand what really went down. And the hoards of "people" that seem to always find his ear to tell him what I have said.......all of them, these "people" are vapor to me. B/c when I lose friends that I use to talk to daily b/c I have gone into my own little world. Or people that I cant communicate b/c I don't even use a phone.. I find it funny how I can somehow manage to find these "people" to talk to and they take gossip back to him. I see it as God's way of me walking away at a time when I probably stayed too long. It was fun while it lasted. I have a ton of stories of what I saw with my own eyes, some good and bad, but if my best friend doesn't know.... I really need to figure out the technology used by "these people". lmao! It is what it is. More could have been said out of spite that was truth... innocent people could have been hurt for being clueless... but it really isn't worth it. This is the last that I will speak of this. My karma is clear... forgiveness and apology was issued. I just hope that all parties change for the betterment of the community. Stop thinking that you are the be all and end all and make or break people.... and I hope that I learn that just because you believe in someone else, doesn't mean that they believe in you. What a lesson. What a hard lesson to learn.... but I've got it. Not all blame falls on the other parties..... but my response has a lesson in it too. Thanks for reading.

Rape 8-10-09

Rape

by: Arch Nemesis

Is it not rape

draped in expectation

sugar coated with promise

then taken out of context

rape

when delicate soul issues trust

extends fortress gates for entrance

friendship molested and housed in secrecy

see

Lauryn found the joy of her world

while I found an opportunist there

3 miles south of the wind blowing from Jerusalem

offered Samaritan blessings

bathed him in oils

wrapped warm in lessons learned in Magdalene's trade

This done willingly

But is it not rape

when understanding gets drafted to war

secretly baptised in the blood of Iphigenia

Convincing enough to have Pharaoh let his morals go

As the peoplelites danced in the sea

telling tales that the opportunist once walked on Poseidon's roof tops

So

is it not rape

when freedom dangled before them for 39 nights into the journey through the wilderness

Blunt as deceptions

Used by Peter to deny me 3 times before the curtain closed

rocked me in the bossom of Abraham

gave dap to Issac

and begot a lie

Named my brother Cain

and history is what was done to me

Therefore who am I?

Dare not I call it by its name?

Rape

dressed in taxpayer's linens

Thief of Hope

painted secretly beside him

As he dined

the only one in the room

knowingly aware of his departure

Smiled boldly in our face

without a solid goodbye

Confused as to the Messiah or Judas

My wares tucked in his back pocket

Cock crows

Hung high

It was I

2days before the third

who rolled the stone away

to get back in my pride

Destroyed the evidence of him having ever made me a believer

Only to discover that my trust had died with him in the tomb

so I ask

Is that not rape

Rookie Tale: Conversation w/ God 8/6/09

Time: 11:53pm EST
Location: West Palm Beach, FL Marriott Hotel Rm 236

I had a conversation with God. Somewhere around lap 3 and lap 7 when my knee decided it wanted to give out while on the treadmill in the hotel's fitness center, God decided to appear. Cant remember if I called him or if He decided to talk to me. Either way... I had a conversation with God. Found true meaning in what it meant to let Him do what He does without question. Humbled into submission, asking for forgiveness for my not having known better. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

I had a rough night tonight. Team went in with our confident swag, had hope stored on chests like 50's bullet proof vest, at best we felt great. Walked and talked with one another like fear was merely a word we long to spell so long ago that we couldn't remember its origin. We had faith. Hit the streets to compete with blessings on our lips I tell you we were our own Shits.... prop makers... hype man and the like. But it lasted about as long as the comprehension of those judging us. Nothing could be said about the scoring system and why they chose to score the ways they scored. Never going first in a slam in my life I did so tonight and I live in should haves and maybes with the highest score on my team I still felt like I could have done more. Could have gotten higher to push us up for shore... I tell you nothing prepared me for our 3rd place score. Reality set in. I still tried to find the faith, but amongst comments from team members I was unsure. Just said prayers in notebooks and wanted to remove myself from the energy.

Hopped on the free city trolley and walked in darkness along Okochobee St by myself in dark hours across railroad tracks and back entrances to hotels to find peace. In search of some sort of solace to make sure that I wouldn't fall into depression. Unsure of what this meant for my team and I. Unsure of what all of this meant for myself. Had I failed? Had I not done well based on rankings? Could there have been something that I could have done to make it all work out differently. I tell you... I wanted to find peace. Told teammates I was going to come back to the hotel and then the gym.

Reached the room and immediately changed into my workout clothes. Sat on the bed and checked all of my Internet pages; Facebook, Twitter, Tagged, Yahoo, etc. Just trying to find distraction, or maybe find peace but I was here in this room by myself and I was thankful for the few moments of peace. Enters in one of my team mates. Rumors of having walked a mile to a closed liquor store only to wind up at Publix to buy liquor. Mumbles of dramatic happenings of his favorite & lucky shirt not being so lucky. I didn't need to hear bullshit. I needed positivity from teammates. I needed support to say, "It doesn't matter we went balls out and we did the damn thing." But I didn't get that. Everyone heals in their on way but do not impose your negativity into my healing process. So I adorn headphones to tune them out. Quickly pick up the page on email checking and swiftly leave the room w/o so much as a goodbye. I had to get to the gym.

Never been one to head to the gym when I am confused but my soul told me to. Told me to hit the treadmill. Didn't ask questions, nor refuse I just did it. Told myself I was gonna walk for 10 minutes at 3.6 and then I was going to run for ten minutes at 4.0. But somewhere between me promising myself that and actually beginning to run, God came in. Told me look at the monitor. Told me that I was at a pace of 15min/mile and to run for 15 instead of my regularly scheduled 10 and so I did. Literally at 12 minutes my right knee cap felt like the patella had a mind of its own and wanted to pop and/or jump ship but I jumped in mid run and caught it before it did. Called on God and said, " You cannot let me stop now. Me and You, Lord. Just you and I" And it was. Looking into the glass mirror on the wall before me. Not paying attention to the Neffie & Frankie preview that was on the TV on BET, no.. .it was me & God in the mirror. Asking Him to watch over my legs. Telling him that he cannot let me stop. And it was. And as my 15 minutes got closer I told Him I was gonna run to 16 just to say I did it and then some. I had a conversation with God.

Talked with him and thanked Him for letting me make it through. Told him I see that this was not about me, nor about my team it was about the experience. About having the blessing to even be worthy and able enough to be here. No religious fit or soapbox rant. I tell you. I am blessed to be here. After all that I have been through in my life and the past two months, this is suppose to be a wonderful experience. And so it shall be. Prayed over actions and or thoughts that may have been out of His likeness and purely of my own. I tell you I had a conversation with God.

Asked Him to watch over my teammates and remove the negativity that I may see in them that may be a reflection of me. For them to enjoy the trip regardless. I tell you...this was a moment that I shall never forget. Don't think that I could explain to you how I was on the treadmill for an hour. Ran walked for 10, ran for 16, and walked the rest. My doctor told me I need 45 minutes of cardio 4days/wk. But I wanted to do more. Then did 100 crunches, 50 oblique crunches on each side. 20 leg lifts and 50 girl push ups. Stretched and just learned to live in the moment. Never been so proud of myself before in my life. I made it here. I cant win everything. I cant be the best at everything. This year may or may not be my story. I need not worry about it. Just live and give it to God. He will handle it. There was/is nothing I can do but wait til the posting of the teams. I will praise Him just the same no matter what the outcome may be. You see... I trust His judgment and He has never disappointed me and I know that he wont start now. I feel better about the whole situation and I am ready to shower and head down to the Lobby and congratulate the teams and check on the scores. I am not effected by what happened last night or tonight. No blame is put on anyone. Not worried about it any more. I am victorious just by being here. Victorious because I believe that I am. Victorious because others believed in me from the jump. I am and will remain victorious with or without making it to finals.. hell even semi-finals. And I am sincerely.... honestly... perfectly okay with that and trusting in God's plan for me. I tell you God is awesome. And I know... because tonight, somewhere between lap 3 and lap 7....yeh.. it was Him.... I had a conversation with God!

Rookie's Tale 2: Count Down to Travel

The count down has begun.

The time is now 2:56pmEST. Oh Boy!

So this morning after I wrote my intial thoughts.. I began my journey. I am still shaking. I dont know why. My stomach is feeling upset, I tried to eat a slice of pizza... but that made me sick. If I were sexually active I would swear I was pregnant.. but dang! No peace. So I double checked everything, put my toothbrush in the suitcase and was ready to head out the door.

NOw, whatever possessed me to NOT ask my roommate to give me a ride to the end of the street with all of my luggage... well whatever it was.. hell, it just was. And it was the dumbest idea ever. I didnt want to pay for parking when I could just walk to the end of my street, forgetting that I had a backpack, purse, and a 50lb suitcase going strictly up a winding hill. Well, at least I got my cardio in for this morning. But it sucked the entire way. (Pause....stomach feeling like it wants to growl but wont...smh) So I get there and I have missed the R2 bus. SUCKS!

So I stand there for 30 minutes talking to this random stranger, never got his name, but I think he was from El Salvador. I also think that he was trying to hit on me and check out my ass... but I could have just been hallucinating from the trek up the side of Mount Rushmore aka my street. But we talked and I found out his work schedule... etc.. and etc... and etc.. I swear I was listening.. and etc, and etc.. did I mention that I was listening? Good, because I was. I swear on a stack of hollow bibles! Well the bus comes and it stops at every single stop on the map. I swear that bus driver created a few stops just to personally piss me the hell off. I was already late for work, but I didnt care.. I'm going to West Palm Beach, bitches! We finally make it to the metro and I ride the yellow line in to work.

Once I get here... no one and I mean no one was here. Not anyone that I would need to do any work for. Damn shame.. I could have stayed at the house if I would have known this. But hell, who cares I am here now. KNocked out a few things, printed out every form I may need while at Nationals.... and I have been on Twitter.com since 10am. Fun times. I literally have 30 mins to look at anything related to work and then the auto-email is going up. 30 minutes to get food and then I am on the next metro train to Reagan National Airport to check in and off I go.

So....as the rookie. I can say that I am confident in my work, yet anxious to go to the arena where the big dogs hang. Wondering will this take away my rookie status that has shielded me for the past , almost, 3 years. I have a lot to learn and I hope that I am not that far behind the learning curve. Wow... This is what Dorothy must have felt like right before the sky got grey.. she knew a storm was coming.. but didnt know what to expect. I dont think I'm in Compton any more Roscoe!


Stay tuned!

A Rookie's Tals: The Morning of NPS Travel

Today is August 3, 2009. Time 6:26am.

I am a Rookie. Been on the scene since 2007 but people dont believe it. Hell they didnt believe it then when I hit the stage with my poem "My Name Is". Thought that I had been in the game for a minute, I guess my theatrical training helped build up the momentum of stage presence. Who knows. But two years later, not that many people in the DC scene have come on after me, made a name for themselves and stuck around. SO technically... I'm still the rookie in D.C. Will be a rookie nationally as well b/c they still dont know me. Doesnt matter that I have been undefeated for two years in just about every competition that I have every entered into...got vet poets shook when I enter a slam... no today none of that matters. Today is the day that I head to PSi's National Poetry Slam competition in West Palm Beach Florida.

I literally just woke up. Stank breath, blurried eyed, and anxious, all in the anticipation of stepping on a national stage and saying "This is me bitches! Love me or hate me, this is my cadence. I breathe allteration, fucked a sonnet once, and dare you to fuck with my haiku." Yes, today is the day that the Rookie leaves the nest. My first year trying out for slam team and I made it.... yes, today is the day that I prepare to show them what I've got; even though I dont even battle until Wednesday.

My Busboys & Poets 11th Hour/DC Slam team is comprised of Jonathan B. Tucker, 13 of Nazareth, andTsion the Wordsmith, and I am the only girl, but I bring heat packed tightly in an energized tongue just like my male teammates. Our team energy is undeniable, we work well with one another and, hell, we actually LIKE one another. This is the journey of the rookie.

More blog entries to come... this was just my first thought when I woke up this morning. Said a prayer to God to watch over my nephews, thanks Him for giving me the opportunity to even make it to this moment, the moment where I can sit here and type this. Today, is the day that I set the pace. Put up, or shut up. This is a Rookie's tale.

~~Arch Nemesis to BS