Remaining About Me!

I am in this phase where I am fighting who I want to be and who I need to be. It is a hard battle because Who I need to be does not protect my emotions, sanity, and heart the way that who I want to be would, and that terrifies me. Where does this come from, you ask? Well, it comes from here: I asked an Honesty Box question on Facebook. For those who dont know, the Honesty Box is an application where you post a question and people can reply anonymously and the only way you figure out who said it is if you know the person well enough or if they tell you.

I have lost so-called friends over the Honesty Box because I replied honestly and yet, I told myself that I would listen to the honest box replies, take away the truth, not be offended by the truth, and apply/respond honestly in my life. I believe that you should ask questions that you are afraid to hear the answer to or questions that you know you need to hear. And that is what I do/did.

So, I was inside of one of my funky moods one day and I decided to ask, "What about me says "un-dateable" or intimidating?". At the time... I didnt think about it, but I only had one friend left on my friends list who I had even dated that would be able to give me feedback that had some weight/experience behind it. )I may have to go back through my friends list and double check, but I can only think of one..lol). Well, weeks go by and I forgot I even posted the question...until today when I get a reply back from a male and he said:

"you talk too much and listen too little, your confidence and talent are very attractive then you get one on one and its still all about you... a relationship is not a performance... you aren't intimidating, you just expect a man to be more audience than mate" ~ Anonymous

I heard him. And for the first time, through an anonymous posting... someone was honest with me. I had asked this question for ten years and all I heard was that I was intimidating. When asked for clarifications I got that I have "my stuff too much together" (which didnt make any damn sense...b/c who wants a woman who doesnt have her shit together?) or I got that I was un-dateable because I was not like the other girls (again... didnt make sense to make me yet another clone.). But with this explanation... I had to humbly agree, but only partially.

I agree that I talk too much, but I listen more than people think that I do. People just have to listen to my talk to catch on. I remember birthdays, favorite colors, days that people work, their dislikes, what they say they want, their dreams... and if they paid attention to me as much as they would claim that I dont pay attention to them.. they would take the time to notice just how much I really do pay attention. It also stung a little bit when he said that it is all about me. Yes, it is... because I have yet to find a guy who would make it about me which would then open me up to make it about him. I have memories of driving for miles to pick a guy up for an airport, or driving from DC to Alabama but making sure that I stopped in TN because I wanted to see a guy, or allowing a guy to spend the night at my place because the electricity was out at his house, or even something as simple as loaning tissue because he was out and didnt have money to go to the store until pay day. But looking back, I remember those same guys (in the same order as above) not being at the airport b/c they arrived days earlier and didnt care to tell me then have a welcome home party w/o inviting me, to show up at his apartment expecting intimacy and somewhat getting the cold shoulder, being told that majority of our deep conversations were fostered b/c he was on drugs during most of them, or told that I am too difficult to be with and that we would kill each other in a relationship. Funny how no one seems to remember all of the things that I did or offered to do because I cared but because I didnt do what they wanted me to do... it becomes all about me.

I laid on my back more times than God would have liked and Jesus would have allowed because it is what I felt they wanted. Was told not to rush things, play the background and let things take their course. Wasnt allowed to say I love you because It wouldnt be reciprocated. Ignored when asked what were we suppose to call ourselves since we were kicking it so hard, titleless. So, after all of the guys that I have come across in the past 10 years.... were just that.. guys. I can honestly say that my last boyfriend was my HS sweetheart, so sad. I went out on dates but never had a boyfriend. Had sex but never had a lover. Had love, gave it, but never received it. There were times when I was almost hidden.... you know the late night chick that would creep in once the sun went down and out before the sun came up. Never meeting their friends, never knowing more about them after 5 years than I did from the day we met. Even this past weekend I had three, count them, THREE guys come at me on a sexual tip. One friend has a girlfriend, erased himself out of my camera from some pics that I took of him but was okay with trying to feel up on me ( I had to nip that in the bud... though tempting.. I was slightly offended). Second friend offered for me to stay at him house b/c I had drank too much, but quickly mentioned that he likes to sleep in the nude... I declined and said I would rather risk my life. He then says that for me he will sleep in boxers, but in the middle of the night he rolls over and presses himself p against me and in the morning is sitting there with himself falling out of his boxers as I am about to leave (I have NEVER been romantically interested in this friend..ever!!!!). Or the friend that called me and mentioned that he had wondered that if he were in town at the same time as me that he wondered if we would have had sex. So, was I suppose to drop all of my standards and be with these guys... you know, just to make it all about them and not me.... or was I suppose to make it about my morals, my body, and my growing self respect and remained accused of making it all about me. See, no matter what I do...somehow, people seem to think that I make it all about me. To which I reply, "I have to b/c no one else will".

As far as a relationship not being a performance.... I hear him again. But I have to fantasize in order not to get hurt. Just waiting for the curtain to close, the play to end, and the show to move on to the next theatre. It is just me being protective of myself. And if the guy was meant for me... he would find the continuous thrill in things never being the same, the search for something new, and the endless expression of my emotions, love, and care for him. I dont know how to do it any other way.

I have to disagree with the fact that I want a man to be an audience instead of a mate, well... to a certain extent. I want a mate, but I also want a mate who can be my audience and support me. Someone who can enjoy what I enjoy from time to time so that he can know why I am the way that I am. What makes me smile. In return... I have tried to ask what makes guys happy and received silence, offered to attend softball/baseball games and never received a date, shown up to the studio and kicked it in support of him but never accused them of wanting an audience and not a mate. I guess it was me being naive to think that audience and mate were semi-synonymous. Yet, I understand where he could get that from. As I said above, I had to make it all about me because no one would do it, so I began to have to be on stage even in intimate settings. I guess I would have to say that I was trying to promote myself, even sell myself as something wonderful so that he would want me more. Giving off this.. "Hey, Look At Me b/c I'm What you Need" aura and now seeing that it backfired.

So the battle is in becoming the quiet chick who appears to listen while fighting to talk and express myself. Or taking my relationships (or whatever they are called since I have never been in one) out of the performance realm and just being ordinary. Also, not asking guys to come to my performances in fear that he will think I am seeking an audience, or going along with a situation without wanting someone to make it about me sometimes. Everything that I would change.... it would possibly get me a mate... but it wouldnt be me that they would be falling for. So, it sucks, and it hurts that even though I agree.... the person who wrote the response still doesnt see that no one is interested in loving me. Not the remixed, changed, reformed version... but the blunt talking, artistic, progressive/aggressive form of me. And as much as i want a partner.... I would miss me too much, so I hear him... I appreciate his honesty, but I ask that he respects me not being so easily influenced in giving up the very thing that makes me who I am. I love me.... and again, I have to make it about me because someone wants me to stop being me, or suggesting that by being me makes me hard to be in a relationship with...I guess it will always be just me then. And I have had the past 10 years to get use to being by myself, and for once... even though it still hurts to be lonely at times... I am finely and genuinely okay with that. Here I am... take me or leave me.... but respect that I am truth.

~~Arch Nemesis