Conflicted in ATL

So, there is so much that happened this past week but I will eventually write it all out of my system. Here goes:

I was down in ATL with a friend of mine and his boyfriend. Balling!!!!!! Just having fun and catching up when they decide that we are going to go to the club. I didnt know that we were going to an all gay club. In my mind... I was cool with it because I am simply in love with him as my friend. I will ride to the end of the earth and back again with this dude. I see my gay friends hug, kiss, tell gay jokes, give sexual details and I am cool with that. But NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING not even a pre-requisite educational course with cliff notes and instructional video could have prepared me for what I experienced when I walked inside of this club! I was beyond ....conflicted.

We were outside this dude was in his truck with friends and they were on Peachtree Street giving me a compliment like regular straight dudes. While my friend goes and puts money down for my parking space the guy pulls off down the road. So we walked into the club, Jamming. Not even 5 minutes in the club and I run into one of my friends. He is a person who is always up here in DC and I love to kick it with him when he comes up here.. real cool dude. He is a chill person and the ladies just flock to him. I mean.... if I explained more about him you would understand but I am protecting him. I mean, I turn my head and there he was... we said hello, gave each other a hug and I could tell that he was either ashamed or shocked that someone saw him.... especially me. I guess since I am a poet... he didnt want to become one of my poems. I mean, I guess my intial reaction must have shown on my face. I mean, I had a crush on this guy when i first met him and then just thought he was cool and became only his friend. I think he is mad sexy and here he was inside of an all gay club. He offers to buy me a drink and then he hands me the drink and then disappears off into the crowd. I spent the next 30 minutes fighting with myself on the inside as to how I was seeing him now. I mean, if he is gay then he will still be my friend, I guess it was just a shock. I also didnt want him to be ashamed or embarrassed that I discovered his secret... or what was a secret to me and anyone up here in DC.

So, I get over that and then I start to actually open my eyes and pay attention to what is around me. Nothing but Gay guys. In that moment I had to confront the stereotypical views of gay males that I have behind my store front, ready to purchase, sales floor presentation version of my open mindedness. Like I said earlier, I am cool with the gay friends that I have and have come in contact, but this.... this was different. I thought that gay guys came in a well dressed, mani/pedicured, Clearasil washed, non-turned over shoe wearing, blunt point proving, automatically sensed by my female intuition gaydar package. But I was so full of inner turmoil b/c my view of a gay...he was in there too, but then people like my friend who was forced to swing his closet door open towards me....he was there. Along with him...there was cell block 54 fresh off the yard dudes who looked so buff with tats of females on their body, ivy league looking dudes, football player & basketball players..I know because they had their school jearseys on. I was conflicted because I turned inward and realized that there were so many dudes that I was attracted to in there who did not fit the mold of what I thought gay could/would/should be. I dont think that I will ever be comfortable with that.

As an African American female....I was scared out of my mind. I saw a thugged out dude with baggy pants lean over the banister and another thugged out dude with locs, tats, buffed up, no shirt on, boxers showing, and surrounded with a hood life auora walk up behind him and just start dancing by banging up against and grinding on him as if they were naked. I wasnt ready to see my friend who I didnt know was gay disappear into the crowd and as the strobe light hit the crowd, I would cath him in the center of all those guys being bent over and grinded up on... I wasnt ready. Now my friend that I came with... he was dancing and having a ball... I was ready for that cause I love him and he is my boo.... so I have yet to figure out why I had such a hard time with the other dudes.

I guess I had a hard time because I could have walked out on the street and met them with their boys and they holla at me like they were straight, possibly date me, and at night creep off into one of these clubs. And before you say that not every guy wants me... I know.... but remember that dude who hollered at me out of his car window like a straight dude....well we left out of the club when it closed and there he was.. in the parking lot leaning up against his car checking out the dudes that were coming out of the club. None of his friends were in the car with him.So.... fear was immediately fanned and the fear flame raised. We also had to walk out the back of the club when it was over and I wanted to know why I had to walk out the back door, past the dumpsters, over a rope and around a fence just to get back to the parking lot. Why couldnt we walk out the front of the club like every other club that I had been to?

The night at the club closed as I sat in my car reapplying my make-up in a group of people who were more likely to give me tips than to think I was sexy with it on. And I sat there and watched guys kiss and grind up against each other in the parking lot. I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe I am not as open minded as I thought I was. Prop 8 is horrible... I dont support it at all, my gay friends are my love, I dont hate on who people choose to love.. I just cant go back into that situation again. 'Cause like I said.... there were too many guys in there who I know are on the DL on a daily basis.... and I guess it was a safety test, a learning experience, and maybe a warning from God.... whatever it was I now have my eyes open. I had a blast!!! The music, my friends, the drinks... amazing... just like any other club you would go to, they are still human... I just have some internal things to still work out about what I saw,and how I feel....especially how I will view men.....

Thanks for reading, and I cant apologize if I offended you.. this was my Bullshit Free reaction. Leave your remarks below.

~~Arch Nemesis