Men no more.

Sitting here and jamming to Chrisette Michelle's song "Notebook".

This past week has been a wake up call to me. I have both cried, lashed out, secluded myself and reached out all in the course of 7 days. All because I am tired of not knowing how to reach out to guys and have them respond back positively to my heart. I see tons of females around me doing what we are told by guys NOT to do and they are all wrapped up in long term relationships and I havent had a boyfriend in 10 years. I just want someone who will come and cuddle with me, an occasional romantic outting, and just someone that I can spend time with. But right now it doesnt look like it is in my near future nor my future at all.

Do I want to be married... yes, one day. I am actually afraid to get married because I am afraid that with the way that my love life has gone... he will leave. I want love soooo damn bad and maybe, just maybe, my want is so strong that it emits through my skin and scares guys off. I speak honestly and from my heart. If you ask me how I feel I tell them and they run. Or they use me for my vulnerability. Both actions cause me to put up a huge wall and it gets harder for me to let my walls down.

This last guy, I got caught up in the moment, but I responded to the things in which he issued in my direction. He asked me what I wanted and I said safety by way of honesty. He took me to the Washington Memorial around midnight and it was ll lit up with Lincoln's memorial in the backdrop and the capitol to the otherside. It was simply beautiful. He kissed me and I cried, caught me off guard really, because it was just too beautiful and I told him that. It just seemed surreal and I thanked him for bringing me there. It seemed like a fairy tale. So we kissed and it was wonderful! I'll never forget him tasting like mint gum...lol. So we go back to his car and we stand on the side of the truck. I saw the set up coming but felt prepared for it. He leans in and starts kissing me, rubbing his hands all over my body and I warn him that he needs not cross the line because I will have him running back. I guess he thought I was bluffing or thought that he could handle the challenge. I could tell he was well and excited through all of the kissing and grinding. He had this Jim Carey-ish Cat in the Hat grin... and I told him we might want to stop because his grin meant that his bad boy side was about to show up. But he didnt listen. He was whispering ridiculous shit in my ear that he thought was sexy or befitting fo the moment... and I could tell that he was past the point of return. So, I took it upon myself to prove a point, I push him up against the truck and start to grind on him. Allowing him to rub his hands over my body. Shortly after... he came... and tried to pull away from me. I told him why run... I wanted to share the moment with him. And he looks at me and says that it is time that he get me home. BAM! there is was... the moment had officially changed.

Where I went wrong in that: I should have insisted harder to go home before it all got taken out of hand. I should have not let my own ego get the best of me and try to take him to that point. But in my defense... I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I honestly thougth that dancing/grinding, kissing, and touching above the clothes was purely innocent and romantic. Just living in the moment. But what I didnt know was that he would not appreciate it and that he would tell me the next day that I "needed to let him earn my pearls". WTF?!!!!! I didnt give my pearls to him. He was the one who lost his pearls and almost turn me into the black Monica Lewinski in the glow of the capitol's yard lights. But of course.. I get blamed. Classic.

After the past week that I have been through I have come to the conclusion that maybe it wasnt meant for me to be with a man. Maybe it was meant for me to be with a female. I have always fought that side of myself because it just wasnt "right" but now I am seriusly contemplating. At first I was about to just give up on black males, but I give up on males all together. I dont want anything else to do with them. Nothing whatsoever. This last guy made me feel bad for speaking honestly and not playing games. For making him feel good. For being me.

So from this day forward, males are simply friends to me. I dont care about anyone trying to date me. I dont want to date them. I will not sleep with another man, I will not kiss another man, nor will I give a damn about another man in a romantic way. It sounds so simple, but this last encounter was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cant put myself out there any more, even if it is for a few hours, a couple of days, or even years. I'm tired of being stepped on. No more strictly D**kly for me... nope.... I'm done. Dont know how the whole lesbian bit will work out, but I know I dont want the male ego any more. Well, I'm dipping out since I am hungry right now and too emotional to even know where the rest of this blog is gonna go.