On to healing... A Vent.

Jamming on repeat to Ciara's Never Ever......

And this blog is shit that I should tell myself.

I know that guys in my past honestly do NOT love me and there is no amount of prayer or tricks or manuvering that will make them change. So, it is about time that I took my heart back from them as I move on to bigger and better things because I think that them still having my heart, or parts of it... is what is keeping me from happiness.

X(Guy #1): I forgive you again, and again, and again. This time... i let it go. I dont even hold on to the pain that is you and I. You are married now and I recognize that. I accept that. All of your emails about how you settled for your wife because you couldnt have me, Or how you wish she could be me or at least do the things that I use to do with/for you.... they were nice only because I hoped that you would one day leave her and get your life back and come back to me. I would never do anything to break you two up... but rather let you come to that conclusion on your own. How selfish of me. Simply selfish. And when I come home next week... I will not even speak to you or let you know that I have come or gone. You have a good wife, whether you think so or not... you do. I need to send your Marine ring back to you too. I held on to it because it was something that I knew you would want back. Plus, it was a ring and you gave everyone you were ever with a ring except me so..... pardon the devil in me for keeping it. I dont need it any more. It just sits in my jewlery box. As a matter of fact I will try to have it mailed to your house before I get there just so that I can step into the state with no more attachments. OUr daughter is gone, and she isnt coming back. She will always be apart of my life, my dreams, and my nightmares... always in my heart, but I have to remove you from her memory as well. The love that I wish I could have given you has consumed me for 10 long damn years. I've given you enough of my time without you doing anything for me but cheat on me, hurt me, and lie to me. I'm stupid for staying this long, or at all. But I have to let go, right here... today. I love you. ALways have and never stopped. But I have got to stop today. It was fun while it lasted. I will always remember the good times but cant dwell on them. May you and your wife have the best and happiest of times and raise a beautiful family together. Because I know you are happy, otherwise you wouldnt be married to her. I hope that you find confidence in yourself and your inner talents and get to being the man you were destined to be and not the man that you have allowed yourself to become. This is my goodbye to you. Love ya! & God bless!

G (Guy #2): Wow you selfish sonofabitch. I remember when you waited for me to go to sleep to whisper in my ear that you loved me. then when I mentioned it later you deinied it. You sucked in bed.. terribly... horribly. I never knew anyone who could mess up going down on someone. You were physically blessed with the best d**k on this side of the country... but a damn shame that you dont know how to use it. Being rough and trying to "beat it to death" doesnt work for you. Why do you thik I always came up with excuses to have sex with you. It is BECAUSE YOU SUCKED!!!!! And your dumb ass couldnt see that I liked you for the little ways that you showed me you cared. For ironing my clothes, for looking out for me when I was in Minnesota, for coming to my graduation. I would have done anything you asked me to do because I cared for the real you behind the asshole. I felt that you were embarrassed by my size and that you kept me hidden. I felt like you only used me for sex after a while. You said you were not a phone person and that is why you never called me... but if I called you then you could talk for hours. If anyone asks you to help them move you would break your neck to drive from Tennesse to Atl or Alabama to help them move. But if I asked you to drive here to see me I would get all kinds of excuses. Sometimes, just sometimes, a girl likes for a guy to show some action that he cares. And listening to me complain about how things go wrong is what a friend does.. but a man reaches out to a woman if he loves her and makes sure that she is not confused about that. You SUCK at it. You kept to yourself so much that I should have taken that hint years ago. I dont know too much more about you today than I did when I first met you. Which makes me realize just how desperate I was to be loved by you. I'm erasing you out of my life. Tired of walking on tippy toes about how I feel about you or how you make me feel. You don't call anyway so it does not matter. I can take you off of my radar and never pick you back up on it. And damn, it sucks because when you weren't being an ass.... you were my perfect make up of a man. You have the drive, the confidence, the education, the body, the humor..... you just sucked at romance and treating a lady like a lady.

R(Guy #3): You dumb ass!!!! You should have been lucky to get with me. I saw who you dated before and even all of them put together on their best day couldn't amount to me on my deathbed! You have a nonexistent d**k!!! You don't get the right to say what dudes with regular sized or bigger get to say. Also, just admit that you have erectile dysfunction! You're not fooling anyone. The lies you told, the games you played, and the psycho trick you chose to be with... I wish you both well. I just hope that your children grow up to be better than you and the examples that you have placed before them you limp d**k bastard! And I hope you get back everything that you deserved by putting my life at risk by playing those childish games.

M (Guy #4): Though I didn't know you that long... two years ago I actually liked you. Was head over heels for you. I loved your confidence, your humor, and your drive. You have a beautiful way with words that seduced me and made me fall in love with your intelligence. You became my new way of looking at what I wanted. I thought, wow... this guy right here is amazing. You were no where near my type physically but you had everything else and that trumped the physical. But you had the cutest smile and the most gorgeous eyes. And when you messed up. it hurt like HELL!!!! I shut down big time after that. And to have you come back into my life two years later and get me to open up again and then slam the door on my heart because you cant get over your ego.... makes you an ass!!! Today being your birthday sucks because I was gonna surprise you with a dinner and just kick it with you. I was really, really looking forward to that time with you and I don't get it today. You were not my fairy tale man nor did I ever ask you to be. But I thank you for being the ass that you are and waking me up out of my way of thinking. You have now taken away any and all hope that I had in believing that the older I got the more intelligent guys would be. You have taken away what little bit of faith I had in a black man away. You stripped away what little bit of sanity and clarity I had. My femininity is shattered by your "pearls" remark. I am no longer interested in seeking a relationship with another guy for as long as I live. I mean... really.... to be fussed at by a guy who cant even control himself through a slow grind sucks! But the sad part is that I wanted you to be the chill dude that I could kick it with because you were in entertainment like I was. You would understand my busy schedule and you were a chivalrous gentleman on the surface. You were too damn good to be true..... but thanks for finishing off what the other two above damn near did; you killed my ideal of fairy tales. You did that by backing away from me for being honest and enjoying the perfect moment that was before us both to enjoy. Thanks, I ate the apple and I am awake now!

These are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. I could have added Chad in there because that is where the pain started... but nah, he's a nobody to me now too. Wow, writing all of that did make me feel just a little bit better. The journey to begin healing. It has indeed begun. So when I go home if I can avoid guy #1 at all costs I will have a blast! I plan to help raise my nephews into wonderful gentlemen and to teach them to be real at all times no matter the consequences. Because they are the only two men that I have loved that love me back, and I plan to keep it that way. They will not turn out to be like these assholes. I plan to help make it easier for the next generation of females who will have to date them.

Now.... on to healing.