Left with optimism

I think he has my attention. I cant really write about it right now.... but... he has my undivided attention. I just cant let him know it yet... but maybe, just maybe this was the guy that I prayed for. And maybe, just maybe... he was in front of me and because he messed up, God needed to take the time to fix us both just to put us back in front of one another... But whatever it is... I dont know how to handle it, nor do I know if I want to. But... he seems genuine... and I am scared to give it to it. I admit that. Because there is the huge what if he lets me down again... but I am more afraid of the what if he doesnt and he turns out to be the man of my dreams. I know, I know, I know... jumping too far ahead. But... what makes a man think of you almost two years later? What makes him lay down his pride and tell you how he is feeling and it come across as real? How am I suppose to respond to that which I am not accustomed? Well.... I called him after he wrote this response below. And it was nice hearing his voice. I must admit that it did something to me on the inside. I felt, girly. Like... I could hand over my harsh commentary and just let him talk. It felt nice. And he sounded as if he was relieved to hear from me. All I have is a mind full of what ifs. Well... I am going to take it slow and see what he wants to do. No rush... just thoughts. Well, here is his email:

My bad, I guess that something like that is hard to convey by email.I'm sure there's a little guilt in there somewhere, but guilt is not remotely the driving force of this communication and I never apologize unless I mean it. I can live with guilt, things happen, people grow and learn, learn there are things they wish they had done differently or would've done differently if they were in a different emotional state. You can't change that stuff, have to learn from what you regret and move forward.

I wrote to you for two reasons [Arch Nemesis]: 1) because in a single instant that night a month ago something went off in my head and I suddenly understood and completely empathized with your perspective with what I felt was near absolute mind-numbing clarity and 2) because I was and still am attracted to you and the person you are, on a fundamental level that defies my ability to fully comprehend or explain.

I won't say you are in my thoughts constantly or often because that's not true, nor would it even be appropriate over the course of 18 months. But when I do think of you, they are quality thoughts, that resonate deep within, on a level that touches the very core of what I think I am and want to be about. Aside from just a raw attraction, I see within you a capacity for unpretentious joy, for sweetness, for honesty, for strength, that I think anybody with a working pair of eyes would be insane not to be captivated by.

It's so rare in women today, that potential for meaningful 3-dimensional companionship, how could I consider myself an honest man and not acknowledge that? It's your prerogative to decide whether to give me the time of day, you're more than within your rights to tell me to step off: I messed up good with you once upon a time, and that's that, I can't change it, but I live with it. And if you tell me to step off, I'll live with that too and think none the less of you. But even if you do tell me to get out of your face, or just decide you'd rather not write anymore, I just figured it wouldn't hurt to tell you about the good things I saw in you; you can take that for what it's worth and do whatever you feel most serves your best interests and personal inclinations.

Here is my honest response to his email: [I called him after I sent this. The talk was peaceful and nice.......chipped away at my heart a bit. He seemed genuine... and I liked that. I felt safe talking to him, and his voice soothed my soul so much. I really wasnt mad any more.... just full of questions. Enjoy the response. Please leave comments. Thanks]:

You, dear sir.... should write a column. How can I refute what you have said...spell check.

I really appreciate what you have written below. Honestly I do. It appears to be genuine, and I say appear because I can honestly say that I am not familiar with genuine being sent in my direction. But I read about it once, and I think it is defined by what you wrote. For that, I thank you.

I can truly say that I dont know what to feel. Before you wrote, nor after. I am in an in between state right now. I have a lot on my mind today as it is, and then I ran across your email. After blogging about it, writing a poem, asking facebook friends what should I do... yeh, I really did all of that. ... I still dont know what to do.

Possibly, okay...since we are being honest here, because I am afraid. I really did like you. You made me laugh, I enjoyed your comedy, and the long conversations on the phone. It crossed my head that maybe, just maybe, you would be the guy to break me out of my emotional funk and make me let my walls down a little bit. I was on cloud 9 getting invited to your shows, to sit next to you, hold your hand, and for once feel like someone really wanted to be in my presence without being embarrassed about my size/weight, like most guys are here....sad, yet true. And then to have what happened occur... that shattered sooooo much in me. It made me think as if you were only nice to me to try to get some/something from me and I didnt like that feeling... at all!!! Also, having been a victim of sexual abuse, having someone force themselves , even if it was just a kiss, touch or hug....doesnt calm the alarms either.

So..... I dont know what to do with you, although I miss you. Still confused. And I hear you... I cant explain my feelings or concerns all that intelligently either, but they exist. Still working through them. But I thank you for the laughs, and the kind things you said. Still trying to figure out how you saw all of that in me in such a short time. Wow. But thanks, I am flattered. Also, if you get a chat invite from [email address]... that's me. God bless!