Good Morning,
As you can see... I am in a writing mood this morning. After reading, and re-reading, your email... I realized that even though I stick by my response, maybe I had too much of an emotional response. So I wanted to resend out a more caring email to try to reach a middle ground with you.
I would first like to say that I have spent the entire weekend feeling bad because I have realized that my life has in fact had more impact on you than it has on me. I cant take back the fact that I spent more time with our mother than you.... if I could have had it any other way, I would want to be you b/c it hurts more for me to have known her and to have her face every day I wake up. Trust me you dont want this pain, but I never thought about your pain. I cant apologize for your father touching me and taking away my innocence because it wasnt my fault. I walk around with those scars every day and every time I try to be close to a man, and I wonder if I will ever let my guard down to let a man in my world. But I just now realized that what he did to me took him out of your life. Yet, I cant apologize for that because He was wrong and he should have thought about that.
Even though you never listen to me until you get good and ready, nothing I have done, or the decisions I have made were ever to intentionally cause harm to you. I protect my heart even from you because it hurts to see you hurt, so I just close myself off and let you learn your lesson. BEcause when I open up.. you turn down the help. You get picky even. So I get hard with my love and I give it to you straight foward with no sugar coating and you dont respond well to that either. SO I am stuck in the middle unable to do anything but let you live your life the way that you choose to.
I know that you are NOT me. I wouldnt want you to be. Because then I wouldnt have two of the most handsome nephews that the world has to offer. I wouldnt have a lil sister who I can beat up on..lol. I wouldnt have three people that I fight for every day behind the scenes. Just because you dont see me, doesnt mean that I am not working on your behalf. There are people in (State) that swing through to check up on you that you dont even know. (Name) still checks up on you unbeknown to you. Nisha has people looking out for you and is always there if you need her. (Name) is on the watch out for you too, (Name), and many more. They dont make themselves known b/c I dont tell them why I need them to look out for you... but to just let me know that you are alright. So to hear that you feel that you dont have anyone in (City) .. it hurt me... but I also know that circumstances have made you feel that way. Because if you would have gone to Nisha's for Thanksgiving, she would have let you stay in her extra room and you wouldnt have been homeless... and she would have driven and picked you up from work. Tony is always there to help. But you have to want the help no matter what form it comes in. You cant be picky and choosey when people extend a hand to help you. Because you have a way of chopping off the hand that reaches out to you as you dangle from a bridge. And I know you want to do things your own way and see if you can do it first, but there are times when you have to ask for help first and then figure out a permanent solution later. You have two sons that dont deserve to suffer because your pride refuses to ask for help.
You have sooooo much going for you and soooo much more that you could be doing if you would just have the faith that it will all work out. If you believed that you deserved better in life and that C and J deserved better too. Because you all do. You once said that everyone cant think about themselves like I do. Well, maybe it is about time you put you and your boys first. I have some help coming your way. I cant tell you when & I cant tell you how... but help is coming. I will write back to you by the Middle of June before I send you to your spa day.... and I think I will send you to the spa around JUne 18th so Please take off cause I wont be able to change the date from way up here. But I need you to sit down and think about the following:
1. What are you tired of that keeps happening over and over again in your life?
2. What do you wish you could change about yourself?
3. If you could have a vacation, where would you go? And Why there?
4. What do you want for the boys?
5. If someone could save you from your situation.....would you finally let them? If they promised to make your world easier?
6. Are you ready to be the best that you can be?
Answer those questions..,. you dont have to tell me. it is not my journey. It is yours... but when the help comes your way I am going to need you to have the answer to those questions, because the help wont be able to help you if you wont let them help you or if you dont feel like you deserve the help.
Also, this email wasnt suppose to be this long.... but I wanted to help you. Tell me why you wish to meet/speak to your father. What do you feel you are missing? What are you hoping to hear from him? What do you wish to ask him? What are you wanting to come from the whole experience? DO you feel like you are missing something? Are you prepared if he doesnt want to speak to you? Are you prepared if he isnt the person that you have locked in your head? Have you thought about your safety and thte safety of your kids to speak to a person with a long history of drug abuse? Tell me anything else you want me to know so that I can better help you. I am taking myself out of the equation.... its all about you now. So.... I am here to listen. Because if you want it... I will help you get what you want in the safest manner possible. But answer those questions and get back to me. Well... sorry for the long email. I love ya and I am here for you. God bless & Kiss the boys for me.
As you can see... I am in a writing mood this morning. After reading, and re-reading, your email... I realized that even though I stick by my response, maybe I had too much of an emotional response. So I wanted to resend out a more caring email to try to reach a middle ground with you.
I would first like to say that I have spent the entire weekend feeling bad because I have realized that my life has in fact had more impact on you than it has on me. I cant take back the fact that I spent more time with our mother than you.... if I could have had it any other way, I would want to be you b/c it hurts more for me to have known her and to have her face every day I wake up. Trust me you dont want this pain, but I never thought about your pain. I cant apologize for your father touching me and taking away my innocence because it wasnt my fault. I walk around with those scars every day and every time I try to be close to a man, and I wonder if I will ever let my guard down to let a man in my world. But I just now realized that what he did to me took him out of your life. Yet, I cant apologize for that because He was wrong and he should have thought about that.
Even though you never listen to me until you get good and ready, nothing I have done, or the decisions I have made were ever to intentionally cause harm to you. I protect my heart even from you because it hurts to see you hurt, so I just close myself off and let you learn your lesson. BEcause when I open up.. you turn down the help. You get picky even. So I get hard with my love and I give it to you straight foward with no sugar coating and you dont respond well to that either. SO I am stuck in the middle unable to do anything but let you live your life the way that you choose to.
I know that you are NOT me. I wouldnt want you to be. Because then I wouldnt have two of the most handsome nephews that the world has to offer. I wouldnt have a lil sister who I can beat up on..lol. I wouldnt have three people that I fight for every day behind the scenes. Just because you dont see me, doesnt mean that I am not working on your behalf. There are people in (State) that swing through to check up on you that you dont even know. (Name) still checks up on you unbeknown to you. Nisha has people looking out for you and is always there if you need her. (Name) is on the watch out for you too, (Name), and many more. They dont make themselves known b/c I dont tell them why I need them to look out for you... but to just let me know that you are alright. So to hear that you feel that you dont have anyone in (City) .. it hurt me... but I also know that circumstances have made you feel that way. Because if you would have gone to Nisha's for Thanksgiving, she would have let you stay in her extra room and you wouldnt have been homeless... and she would have driven and picked you up from work. Tony is always there to help. But you have to want the help no matter what form it comes in. You cant be picky and choosey when people extend a hand to help you. Because you have a way of chopping off the hand that reaches out to you as you dangle from a bridge. And I know you want to do things your own way and see if you can do it first, but there are times when you have to ask for help first and then figure out a permanent solution later. You have two sons that dont deserve to suffer because your pride refuses to ask for help.
You have sooooo much going for you and soooo much more that you could be doing if you would just have the faith that it will all work out. If you believed that you deserved better in life and that C and J deserved better too. Because you all do. You once said that everyone cant think about themselves like I do. Well, maybe it is about time you put you and your boys first. I have some help coming your way. I cant tell you when & I cant tell you how... but help is coming. I will write back to you by the Middle of June before I send you to your spa day.... and I think I will send you to the spa around JUne 18th so Please take off cause I wont be able to change the date from way up here. But I need you to sit down and think about the following:
1. What are you tired of that keeps happening over and over again in your life?
2. What do you wish you could change about yourself?
3. If you could have a vacation, where would you go? And Why there?
4. What do you want for the boys?
5. If someone could save you from your situation.....would you finally let them? If they promised to make your world easier?
6. Are you ready to be the best that you can be?
Answer those questions..,. you dont have to tell me. it is not my journey. It is yours... but when the help comes your way I am going to need you to have the answer to those questions, because the help wont be able to help you if you wont let them help you or if you dont feel like you deserve the help.
Also, this email wasnt suppose to be this long.... but I wanted to help you. Tell me why you wish to meet/speak to your father. What do you feel you are missing? What are you hoping to hear from him? What do you wish to ask him? What are you wanting to come from the whole experience? DO you feel like you are missing something? Are you prepared if he doesnt want to speak to you? Are you prepared if he isnt the person that you have locked in your head? Have you thought about your safety and thte safety of your kids to speak to a person with a long history of drug abuse? Tell me anything else you want me to know so that I can better help you. I am taking myself out of the equation.... its all about you now. So.... I am here to listen. Because if you want it... I will help you get what you want in the safest manner possible. But answer those questions and get back to me. Well... sorry for the long email. I love ya and I am here for you. God bless & Kiss the boys for me.
I hope this person realizes in time how much they are loved.
ReplyDeleteYou and I both..... Maybe she will when my help comes in the form of me actually stepping foot in her house in June.
ReplyDelete