HIV, Maybe

By: Arch Nemesis

If I give it to you plain would you listen
If I told you I slept with guys without protection would you judge me
If I told you that I knew better would my previous statements show it
If I told you that I haven’t gotten tested because I figured my results were God’s way of confirming me Jesus’ kin
Would you condone it
My choice
My choice to remain ignorant
I mean
Its bliss right
But the suffering of not knowing
And yet wanting to know
Doesn’t equal to the amount of bliss I thought I received
It outweighs my days
Interrupts my night
Shuts down all forms of intimacy until God releases me
See
I aint speaking nothing into the universe but my results could say that I have HIV
And nothing else matters
Not how much money I make
Or the truck I drive
How many friends have done me wrong
Or the real reason I cry
See
One night does not equate forfeiting my life
And those dudes aren’t sitting here with me
Or maybe they are
Intertwined in my veins for eternity
And there is nothing I can do about it
But know
And
Just maybe
I don’t want to know
But
I’ve got to know
And what better place to learn a lesson than to teach another at this here show
See
I get scared too
Afraid to broadcast my sins
Yet if this will save another
Then I will gladly go
So
Waiting
Sitting
Standing
Pacing
This here is truth
Wrapped up in my sins
Disguised as my redemption
I’ve got to get tested if for no other reason than to know how long I’ve got to hold my nephews and goddaughters
How long I’ve got to enlighten every inner city kid
How Long I’ve got to thank God for the life that he allowed me to live
Cause I’ve said that I’ll die for much less than this
How can I renig now?
My block aint got ish on this
My Fam aint got ish on this
My Jordans, AINT got ISH ON THIS!
I said I was hard
But turn Snitch Figa the moment my mortality confronts my morality
Shakes in that there foundation
Praying for temporary salvation
And I dare not patronize God with amendments to previous prayers of never sleeping with anyone else until I get married
Just asking Him to let me teach another way
So here I stand,
Your answer key to my test of falling in lust, live, love, fantasy, daydream, and make believe
With guys who I let have the opportunity to infect me
Snitch Figa on the verge of losing my street cred
But it takes a real woman to stand on stage and have her HIV results read
And God’s decree read…….

This Poem was created for an HIV awareness event in D.C. called Seeing Red. I got swabbed while on stage in front of everyone and then waited for the results. I performed this poem and had the nurse walk up and read my results outloud. I was HIV.... Negative. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

The story is this. I liked this guy a few years back, and I thought he was feeling me. I always saw him hanging around this other chick. I became cool with her but not close. So one night he was over my house and I asked him about her. He said that they were just cool friends. I call her on speaker phone and asked her what was up with her and Stephen Gitu. SHe said they were cool. At that time it didnt dawn on either of us what was really happening. I didnt know that she was a private person and didnt want me to know who she was sleeping with, and she didnt know that I was asking because I was trying to get with him. So.... communication failed. He and I kicked it that night. Protection, but it broke. So, we hung out and then a month later he and I kicked it again after a house party I had. Afterwards he was still too drunk to hold water and his mouth opened and said that he was gonna be in trouble from his girl because he wasnt gonna make it home that night. WHAT THE HELL?!!! His "girl" was my friend who I had asked on the phone. The truth was out. Well two days later I was BURNING!!!!! I mean tears, sitting on the bed, iced veggies between my crotch... horrible. I thought that I had an STD. I never had anything in my life. I called and spoke with my girl and told her what was going on and that she needed to go get tested because he was with me and I was going to get tested too. I went and got tested, shot in the but....

Sidebar: There is this one shot for one of the STDs that gets shot in your butt. It burns like hell and shut my whole entire right side DOWN!!! I was in pain from my hip to my knee cap! That alone was enough to make me want to shoot him in daylight.

Back to the story: So the tests come back. I am HIV Negative, I didnt have an STD, but a really bad yeast infection from the condoms we used. SO I was relieved. I kicked him to the curb and never talked to him again.

Months went by. I started dating this dummy named Reggie. He was diabetic and had to use needles regularly, and he had gotten out of a relationship (this is what he told me). SO I wanted to be responsible... he and I had the adult talk about getting tested together, the consequences such as pregnancies, disease, etc. We both came back negative. But as the months went by.... and his bi-polar girlfriend got released from the hospital for suicide watch.... it came to light that he slept with her two weeks before he slept with me... which made our HIV test null and void because it hadnt been 9 months like he had told me. So I failed again.

Guy three. Hot & cute dude.. I know, a set up for failure. But partying and having fun... we hooked up, unprotected. Sad yet so true. And it was around this time that he and I both revealed our HIV status.. both were negative from our last tests. But..... Stephen was trying to creep back in the picture. He was trying to add me on facebook, talking about " We need to act like grown-ups and let the past be the past" Well since I dont know what rewind looks like any more, I deleted him and ignored all requests. But My homegirl, the one who shared him with Me, she was hit up by his girlfriend who emailed and said that anyone who slept with him needed to go get tested because he broke out with the Shingles and she found out that he had HIV and was going around trying to infect people. I was floored! I know that it has been a year and a half, but it was too close to home now. And shortly after it came to the light that D.C. has the highest HIV/AIDS rate in the country. Not what I needed to hear. I shut down, pushed everyone away and stayed busy. So when this opportunity came for me to perform, I asked if I could get tested on stage and be used as an example. Thankfully I was given another chance...... I cried, people in the audience cried, and the people in the audience who were HIV survivors living with it... breathed a sigh of relief that they didnt have to invite me into their home... it was a stressful yet blessing filled night. I hope you enjoyed my truth.