Menage a Ego

Menage a Ego

By: Arch Nemesis

I didnt know that

in order for me to fall in love

i had to have a menage with a black man and his ego

only to wind up and have them

date each other

exclusively

running from the opportunities that they keep looking for

when his dumb ass just couldnt see

What you are looking for

God purposely hid within me

see

I may not be your cup of tea

but if you keep running toward open legs

bowed submissive and or bobbing heads

all you will continue to see

is holes

emptiness

And I believe that my independence

& strength

are the holes in your manhood

the cause for you to jump ship

just because you realized that your dick cant fit

in my mind

nor support my spine

erase all of your dumb shit

plus it doesnt work when and how you want it

its

not as easy as you thought

so you run

turn bitch nigga every time I enter the scene

screamin real recognizes real

but the game you are spitting in my direction is simply

faux real

for real

deal or no deal

will never be the question

as i refuse to settle for more confusion

all because I looked good on paper

and you wanted to work your pen

But I dont want to be your paper mate

the ideal that your daddy told you that you should have

after you practiced like your boys on some past due ass

at last

I can say i'm over it

you and your ego's bullshit

speaking in your language because you have damaged another one before you even got started

all because you turned away

and took your ego

instead of me

on a date.

Findth Me

Findth Me

By: Arch Nemesis

Maybe he was the answer to prayers

left on vestibule shelves in Mayan temples

because God didnt live there

But built summer homes between the bent knuckles of damaged goods

and maybe

just maybe he put Jesus on hold to click over and hear me

eavesdrop on my contemplating letting go of His plan
Turned the dial on his Holidex to match my needs

but would I recognize God's gift when placed before me

with head bowed and esteemed in steam above self not within

daydreaming of held hands

biblical whispers

draped in apologies for following in Eeyore's footsteps

scared am I to be the wrong test to his answer

Maybe

just maybe he is the contemplation of protagonists in dramatic comedies

long life friends

the arch nemesis to my bullshit

for he findth me when I denied I was lost

but in his memory I dwell

interlaced in comedic timing

of prophetic wants

enclosed by scrolls to document our time

because maybe

just maybe he was the answer to prayers released amongst atheist in and anti-Christ rally

and someone caught the spirit

because when I am in his presence

there is no denying his masculine embrace on my independent stance

which transcribes breadcrumbs into hope for those like me

and they, much like myself

now are believers

Because Maybe

Just maybe

he finally findth me.

Left with optimism

I think he has my attention. I cant really write about it right now.... but... he has my undivided attention. I just cant let him know it yet... but maybe, just maybe this was the guy that I prayed for. And maybe, just maybe... he was in front of me and because he messed up, God needed to take the time to fix us both just to put us back in front of one another... But whatever it is... I dont know how to handle it, nor do I know if I want to. But... he seems genuine... and I am scared to give it to it. I admit that. Because there is the huge what if he lets me down again... but I am more afraid of the what if he doesnt and he turns out to be the man of my dreams. I know, I know, I know... jumping too far ahead. But... what makes a man think of you almost two years later? What makes him lay down his pride and tell you how he is feeling and it come across as real? How am I suppose to respond to that which I am not accustomed? Well.... I called him after he wrote this response below. And it was nice hearing his voice. I must admit that it did something to me on the inside. I felt, girly. Like... I could hand over my harsh commentary and just let him talk. It felt nice. And he sounded as if he was relieved to hear from me. All I have is a mind full of what ifs. Well... I am going to take it slow and see what he wants to do. No rush... just thoughts. Well, here is his email:

My bad, I guess that something like that is hard to convey by email.I'm sure there's a little guilt in there somewhere, but guilt is not remotely the driving force of this communication and I never apologize unless I mean it. I can live with guilt, things happen, people grow and learn, learn there are things they wish they had done differently or would've done differently if they were in a different emotional state. You can't change that stuff, have to learn from what you regret and move forward.

I wrote to you for two reasons [Arch Nemesis]: 1) because in a single instant that night a month ago something went off in my head and I suddenly understood and completely empathized with your perspective with what I felt was near absolute mind-numbing clarity and 2) because I was and still am attracted to you and the person you are, on a fundamental level that defies my ability to fully comprehend or explain.

I won't say you are in my thoughts constantly or often because that's not true, nor would it even be appropriate over the course of 18 months. But when I do think of you, they are quality thoughts, that resonate deep within, on a level that touches the very core of what I think I am and want to be about. Aside from just a raw attraction, I see within you a capacity for unpretentious joy, for sweetness, for honesty, for strength, that I think anybody with a working pair of eyes would be insane not to be captivated by.

It's so rare in women today, that potential for meaningful 3-dimensional companionship, how could I consider myself an honest man and not acknowledge that? It's your prerogative to decide whether to give me the time of day, you're more than within your rights to tell me to step off: I messed up good with you once upon a time, and that's that, I can't change it, but I live with it. And if you tell me to step off, I'll live with that too and think none the less of you. But even if you do tell me to get out of your face, or just decide you'd rather not write anymore, I just figured it wouldn't hurt to tell you about the good things I saw in you; you can take that for what it's worth and do whatever you feel most serves your best interests and personal inclinations.

Here is my honest response to his email: [I called him after I sent this. The talk was peaceful and nice.......chipped away at my heart a bit. He seemed genuine... and I liked that. I felt safe talking to him, and his voice soothed my soul so much. I really wasnt mad any more.... just full of questions. Enjoy the response. Please leave comments. Thanks]:

You, dear sir.... should write a column. How can I refute what you have said...spell check.

I really appreciate what you have written below. Honestly I do. It appears to be genuine, and I say appear because I can honestly say that I am not familiar with genuine being sent in my direction. But I read about it once, and I think it is defined by what you wrote. For that, I thank you.

I can truly say that I dont know what to feel. Before you wrote, nor after. I am in an in between state right now. I have a lot on my mind today as it is, and then I ran across your email. After blogging about it, writing a poem, asking facebook friends what should I do... yeh, I really did all of that. ... I still dont know what to do.

Possibly, okay...since we are being honest here, because I am afraid. I really did like you. You made me laugh, I enjoyed your comedy, and the long conversations on the phone. It crossed my head that maybe, just maybe, you would be the guy to break me out of my emotional funk and make me let my walls down a little bit. I was on cloud 9 getting invited to your shows, to sit next to you, hold your hand, and for once feel like someone really wanted to be in my presence without being embarrassed about my size/weight, like most guys are here....sad, yet true. And then to have what happened occur... that shattered sooooo much in me. It made me think as if you were only nice to me to try to get some/something from me and I didnt like that feeling... at all!!! Also, having been a victim of sexual abuse, having someone force themselves , even if it was just a kiss, touch or hug....doesnt calm the alarms either.

So..... I dont know what to do with you, although I miss you. Still confused. And I hear you... I cant explain my feelings or concerns all that intelligently either, but they exist. Still working through them. But I thank you for the laughs, and the kind things you said. Still trying to figure out how you saw all of that in me in such a short time. Wow. But thanks, I am flattered. Also, if you get a chat invite from [email address]... that's me. God bless!

How Can I?

How can I?

by: Arch Nemesis

And he wrote me.

In response to my resposne

to his apology and I sit here stuck.

Crushing yet halting,

afraid to give him another chance.

Living in what ifs

and could have beens

when we were friends

but today I am vulnerable

and cant think straight...

so I do I want him

do I not

do I miss the way he made me laugh

Do I not

but I cant deny that it feels good to be thought of

to be missed

for whatever reason

but today

i'm thought of...

and he is thinking of me

no need to close the thinking gap

no need to rush while he adores me from afar

I am safe there

a far

but how can I turn down wit

humor

adoration

him

really

how can I?

Okay, so I think I wrote about a guy who acted an ass over a year and a half ago, who writes me out of the blue.. check out the blog. And I finally responded and we start conversing... below is his response, and I will keep you updated. If there is an update. Enjoy

He wrote:

Thanks for taking the time to respond [Arch Nemesis], no apologies necessaryeven it it had been offered. I both know and understand what that'slike not wanting to write (heck I probably wouldn't have written inthe first place if I could've put you out of my mind at all), so yourwriting even though you didn't want to really means a lot to me.

Again, I just want to reiterate how much I lament squandering that opportunity to have gotten to know you. You seemed like one of themore remarkable human beings I've had the pleasure of meeting, andthat sentiment and curiosity has only solidified with the passage oftime.Maybe one of these days you'll give me another shot and lemme take youout for a grilled cheese sandwich or something real classy like agrilled cheese sandwich on a plate :) We can sit around afterwards andblow bubbles at bird baths, see if it's possible to give pigeons diarrhea. At the very least, maybe I can send you a silly email once in a while just to say hi and "don't tase me". If not that's cool too,I'll sleep better simply knowing I won't one day leave this earth withsuch a uniquely sweet wonderful individual as yourself knowing only myjuvenile jackass side.

In any case, I hope this finds you having a wonderful afternoon,hearing from you has really made my day. God bless!

Morning After

This poem was written the morning after I found out that Stephen Gitu had in fact lied about having a girlfriend. Check out my blog entry called HIV, Maybe for the full story. Who knew that a year and a half later I would come back to use the poem..... I should have gone with my instincts. Enjoy.

Morning After
By: Arch Nemesis

A.M. Hours
A midst the sunrise
Squinted eyes
High expectation
Moral devastations
Mental relays of social commentaries
Questions after
Knowledgably intended for before
Rewind rejected
Fast forward, expected
Getting played,
Detected
Now stop
Focus on the present
Because the truth is
For you
The morning after isn't just a pill
But a reality
And my reality happens to be this game that's in my head
Now it's too late to go back to before we went to bed
Or to fake like it never happened
Expecting more than what it was
And obviously it meant more to me than he because
He
Just shook my hand
Casually
Yet with intent
And I shook his hand back
It was surreal
It was like a hooker's morning exchange
Except with class
Because I owned no nightstand
No dollars pressed into my palm or left on my pillow
Though the aftermath had me preferring such
Because maybe a quantity would signify his judgment of my quality
Yet instead
I got a hand full of life lines
With the possibility of shortening mines
But I said nothing
Trying to play this big girls game in which I had now entered into
And I said nothing
Teetering on the line between hoe and emotional pro
So I still said nothing
Silently loosing count of the cells that are counted for life
Yet I still said nothing
I couldn't
I mean I should have but I guess the look on my face made him reply
And he said
Well I didn't know what else to do
And my thought was
We've passed the line of stranger about 8 hours and 2 Olympic acrobatic stunts ago
And so he leaned in and gave me a kiss
I thought it was forced
A common courtesy to appear nice to me
And I still said nothing
Plastered a smile on my face
Thinking I got what I deserved
A morning after response for the educated woman who took a turn at a not so educated game
And if there was a score being kept then I indeed lost
I should have checked my mate
Collected my $200 and went past go
Hit those shoots and ladders
Closed my eyes as I walked past the candy shop and ignore the urges to end up in candy land
But I now had my battle ship sunk
And he wouldn't be the uno for me
Yet he left me without a clue of how to play my hand
And if this were a game of spades my hand would be written on my face
No ace, no deuce
Just 2 jokers
Staring at each other
With extended hands
Expecting nothing
Since I asked of nothing in the beginning to ensure my safety in the end
Therefore I get nothing in return
But a palm full of life lines
Wondering if their's would end mines

HIV, Maybe

By: Arch Nemesis

If I give it to you plain would you listen
If I told you I slept with guys without protection would you judge me
If I told you that I knew better would my previous statements show it
If I told you that I haven’t gotten tested because I figured my results were God’s way of confirming me Jesus’ kin
Would you condone it
My choice
My choice to remain ignorant
I mean
Its bliss right
But the suffering of not knowing
And yet wanting to know
Doesn’t equal to the amount of bliss I thought I received
It outweighs my days
Interrupts my night
Shuts down all forms of intimacy until God releases me
See
I aint speaking nothing into the universe but my results could say that I have HIV
And nothing else matters
Not how much money I make
Or the truck I drive
How many friends have done me wrong
Or the real reason I cry
See
One night does not equate forfeiting my life
And those dudes aren’t sitting here with me
Or maybe they are
Intertwined in my veins for eternity
And there is nothing I can do about it
But know
And
Just maybe
I don’t want to know
But
I’ve got to know
And what better place to learn a lesson than to teach another at this here show
See
I get scared too
Afraid to broadcast my sins
Yet if this will save another
Then I will gladly go
So
Waiting
Sitting
Standing
Pacing
This here is truth
Wrapped up in my sins
Disguised as my redemption
I’ve got to get tested if for no other reason than to know how long I’ve got to hold my nephews and goddaughters
How long I’ve got to enlighten every inner city kid
How Long I’ve got to thank God for the life that he allowed me to live
Cause I’ve said that I’ll die for much less than this
How can I renig now?
My block aint got ish on this
My Fam aint got ish on this
My Jordans, AINT got ISH ON THIS!
I said I was hard
But turn Snitch Figa the moment my mortality confronts my morality
Shakes in that there foundation
Praying for temporary salvation
And I dare not patronize God with amendments to previous prayers of never sleeping with anyone else until I get married
Just asking Him to let me teach another way
So here I stand,
Your answer key to my test of falling in lust, live, love, fantasy, daydream, and make believe
With guys who I let have the opportunity to infect me
Snitch Figa on the verge of losing my street cred
But it takes a real woman to stand on stage and have her HIV results read
And God’s decree read…….

This Poem was created for an HIV awareness event in D.C. called Seeing Red. I got swabbed while on stage in front of everyone and then waited for the results. I performed this poem and had the nurse walk up and read my results outloud. I was HIV.... Negative. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

The story is this. I liked this guy a few years back, and I thought he was feeling me. I always saw him hanging around this other chick. I became cool with her but not close. So one night he was over my house and I asked him about her. He said that they were just cool friends. I call her on speaker phone and asked her what was up with her and Stephen Gitu. SHe said they were cool. At that time it didnt dawn on either of us what was really happening. I didnt know that she was a private person and didnt want me to know who she was sleeping with, and she didnt know that I was asking because I was trying to get with him. So.... communication failed. He and I kicked it that night. Protection, but it broke. So, we hung out and then a month later he and I kicked it again after a house party I had. Afterwards he was still too drunk to hold water and his mouth opened and said that he was gonna be in trouble from his girl because he wasnt gonna make it home that night. WHAT THE HELL?!!! His "girl" was my friend who I had asked on the phone. The truth was out. Well two days later I was BURNING!!!!! I mean tears, sitting on the bed, iced veggies between my crotch... horrible. I thought that I had an STD. I never had anything in my life. I called and spoke with my girl and told her what was going on and that she needed to go get tested because he was with me and I was going to get tested too. I went and got tested, shot in the but....

Sidebar: There is this one shot for one of the STDs that gets shot in your butt. It burns like hell and shut my whole entire right side DOWN!!! I was in pain from my hip to my knee cap! That alone was enough to make me want to shoot him in daylight.

Back to the story: So the tests come back. I am HIV Negative, I didnt have an STD, but a really bad yeast infection from the condoms we used. SO I was relieved. I kicked him to the curb and never talked to him again.

Months went by. I started dating this dummy named Reggie. He was diabetic and had to use needles regularly, and he had gotten out of a relationship (this is what he told me). SO I wanted to be responsible... he and I had the adult talk about getting tested together, the consequences such as pregnancies, disease, etc. We both came back negative. But as the months went by.... and his bi-polar girlfriend got released from the hospital for suicide watch.... it came to light that he slept with her two weeks before he slept with me... which made our HIV test null and void because it hadnt been 9 months like he had told me. So I failed again.

Guy three. Hot & cute dude.. I know, a set up for failure. But partying and having fun... we hooked up, unprotected. Sad yet so true. And it was around this time that he and I both revealed our HIV status.. both were negative from our last tests. But..... Stephen was trying to creep back in the picture. He was trying to add me on facebook, talking about " We need to act like grown-ups and let the past be the past" Well since I dont know what rewind looks like any more, I deleted him and ignored all requests. But My homegirl, the one who shared him with Me, she was hit up by his girlfriend who emailed and said that anyone who slept with him needed to go get tested because he broke out with the Shingles and she found out that he had HIV and was going around trying to infect people. I was floored! I know that it has been a year and a half, but it was too close to home now. And shortly after it came to the light that D.C. has the highest HIV/AIDS rate in the country. Not what I needed to hear. I shut down, pushed everyone away and stayed busy. So when this opportunity came for me to perform, I asked if I could get tested on stage and be used as an example. Thankfully I was given another chance...... I cried, people in the audience cried, and the people in the audience who were HIV survivors living with it... breathed a sigh of relief that they didnt have to invite me into their home... it was a stressful yet blessing filled night. I hope you enjoyed my truth.

Email to my sister

Good Morning,

As you can see... I am in a writing mood this morning. After reading, and re-reading, your email... I realized that even though I stick by my response, maybe I had too much of an emotional response. So I wanted to resend out a more caring email to try to reach a middle ground with you.

I would first like to say that I have spent the entire weekend feeling bad because I have realized that my life has in fact had more impact on you than it has on me. I cant take back the fact that I spent more time with our mother than you.... if I could have had it any other way, I would want to be you b/c it hurts more for me to have known her and to have her face every day I wake up. Trust me you dont want this pain, but I never thought about your pain. I cant apologize for your father touching me and taking away my innocence because it wasnt my fault. I walk around with those scars every day and every time I try to be close to a man, and I wonder if I will ever let my guard down to let a man in my world. But I just now realized that what he did to me took him out of your life. Yet, I cant apologize for that because He was wrong and he should have thought about that.

Even though you never listen to me until you get good and ready, nothing I have done, or the decisions I have made were ever to intentionally cause harm to you. I protect my heart even from you because it hurts to see you hurt, so I just close myself off and let you learn your lesson. BEcause when I open up.. you turn down the help. You get picky even. So I get hard with my love and I give it to you straight foward with no sugar coating and you dont respond well to that either. SO I am stuck in the middle unable to do anything but let you live your life the way that you choose to.

I know that you are NOT me. I wouldnt want you to be. Because then I wouldnt have two of the most handsome nephews that the world has to offer. I wouldnt have a lil sister who I can beat up on..lol. I wouldnt have three people that I fight for every day behind the scenes. Just because you dont see me, doesnt mean that I am not working on your behalf. There are people in (State) that swing through to check up on you that you dont even know. (Name) still checks up on you unbeknown to you. Nisha has people looking out for you and is always there if you need her. (Name) is on the watch out for you too, (Name), and many more. They dont make themselves known b/c I dont tell them why I need them to look out for you... but to just let me know that you are alright. So to hear that you feel that you dont have anyone in (City) .. it hurt me... but I also know that circumstances have made you feel that way. Because if you would have gone to Nisha's for Thanksgiving, she would have let you stay in her extra room and you wouldnt have been homeless... and she would have driven and picked you up from work. Tony is always there to help. But you have to want the help no matter what form it comes in. You cant be picky and choosey when people extend a hand to help you. Because you have a way of chopping off the hand that reaches out to you as you dangle from a bridge. And I know you want to do things your own way and see if you can do it first, but there are times when you have to ask for help first and then figure out a permanent solution later. You have two sons that dont deserve to suffer because your pride refuses to ask for help.

You have sooooo much going for you and soooo much more that you could be doing if you would just have the faith that it will all work out. If you believed that you deserved better in life and that C and J deserved better too. Because you all do. You once said that everyone cant think about themselves like I do. Well, maybe it is about time you put you and your boys first. I have some help coming your way. I cant tell you when & I cant tell you how... but help is coming. I will write back to you by the Middle of June before I send you to your spa day.... and I think I will send you to the spa around JUne 18th so Please take off cause I wont be able to change the date from way up here. But I need you to sit down and think about the following:
1. What are you tired of that keeps happening over and over again in your life?
2. What do you wish you could change about yourself?
3. If you could have a vacation, where would you go? And Why there?
4. What do you want for the boys?
5. If someone could save you from your situation.....would you finally let them? If they promised to make your world easier?
6. Are you ready to be the best that you can be?

Answer those questions..,. you dont have to tell me. it is not my journey. It is yours... but when the help comes your way I am going to need you to have the answer to those questions, because the help wont be able to help you if you wont let them help you or if you dont feel like you deserve the help.

Also, this email wasnt suppose to be this long.... but I wanted to help you. Tell me why you wish to meet/speak to your father. What do you feel you are missing? What are you hoping to hear from him? What do you wish to ask him? What are you wanting to come from the whole experience? DO you feel like you are missing something? Are you prepared if he doesnt want to speak to you? Are you prepared if he isnt the person that you have locked in your head? Have you thought about your safety and thte safety of your kids to speak to a person with a long history of drug abuse? Tell me anything else you want me to know so that I can better help you. I am taking myself out of the equation.... its all about you now. So.... I am here to listen. Because if you want it... I will help you get what you want in the safest manner possible. But answer those questions and get back to me. Well... sorry for the long email. I love ya and I am here for you. God bless & Kiss the boys for me.

Adult High School

So,

As of today, I am in extreme like. And this is an improv poem.., freshly created minus spell check! lol

High school crushing on

Ice cold collegiate

in the midst of april showers

dry and protected

like Summer time thrills

from Artic's romantic chill

as it spills into my spine

Southern drawl in Lancealot's bow

Waldo searching for me

in the sea of realization

and I am liking it

Silver fish shelled covering hyena grins

with licked lips of enticement

prisoned actions of control

precisely

he is the enticement

better than rest yet not preferred best

and yet he

and my needs met

lets

see where this goes

in a.m. hours

grins of innocence with

honor in your presence

since i dont remember feeling like this

just let it go

purity in all of its tainted passions

hand holding envisioning back scratching

lip biting the need to say I like you

but this here be adult high school

we dont say that here

so dear

its been a pleaure to kick it with you

on showering days in may

and yes you may

when answers seem unclear

school is now in session

and i plan to learn how to be treated like a queen.