Your Mojo: A Ride or Eat Chick

So, I have a support group of some of my closest and use to be closest friends. The topic is weight loss and the trials that we go through in order to get fit/in shape/skinny/thick/trim/blah blah blah/& shut the hell up/& fit the status quo/& in a societal stereotypical nutshell... perfect

Below is on of my long winded responses to one of my friends. I hope it makes sense to everyone... but I meant every word of it from the heart. She is unique, blessed, and beautiful on the inside and out... and I dont mean that in a patronizing cause we're both plus sized girls kind of way... but I mean that honestly! No first week of American Idol "baby you can sing (when you really cant)" lies here... no sir-ree Bob!

SO here is my advice for her today:

Awww.. I feel the love! lol. I wonder why you and I weren't closer in school either. But girl, life comes full circle and I am glad to have you as my diva now! & that is all that matters.

I am glad that the list gave you an example to use when setting up organization and prioritizing. And when it comes to weight.... literally sit down and ask yourself when did you start to notice the weight gain then think about this:
1. What was going on around the time you noticed it
2. What habits were causing it
3. Why did you choose to let it continue
4. What tasks do you miss doing that weight has become an issue

I answered all of these. My answers were I noticed the weight gain when I became pregnant with Zay's daughter. The habits that caused the weight gain were stress from his ass, hormones from the pregnancy, and stress from family and [BEST SCHOOL EVER!] University. I chose to let it continue (at the time I didn't know that I was choosing it...but it was a choice) b/c it was convenient. It was convenient to grab McDonald's on the way to class, or eat out with my friends every night, and instead of hitting the gym, it was time to nap or party some more. It also became a shelter... an excuse later on. Once I reached a certain point my weight became a way for me to keep males like Zay away who would hurt me. B/c no man wants a plus size girl, right? But as my 29th birthday is sneaking up on me like the IRS to a bank account.. I am realizing that this here is me, but not who I want to be.. not any longer. I miss dancing how my brother Stephen and I use to on the dance team. I miss playing football on Saturdays with friends or faking like I can play basketball just to have something to do. I miss being able to go into any damn store that I want and buy clothes. I HATE being stuck in 4 stores (Ashley Stewart, Lane Bryant, Debbie's, & Torrid) where EVERY other plus size girl has to wear the same thing as me. And half the time the shit isn't even cute.. you need a PhD. in creativity to make some of that hideous stuff look even remotely cute! So.... I had answered my own question of "why me?" Hell... the answer was "B/c its me!"

Now that I had the answer to the above questions. I knew I needed support, less judgment, honesty and action. SO I started moving. I confess to my mistakes, stay blunt and open about it. and I keep it moving. The trick is to NOT lose your mojo b/c you think it is attached to a certain size of you... the trick is to know that your mojo is your best friend and that bitch is wearing the same damn size as you. She will never leave you. She will eat that pizza with you and walk with you on the track. Your mojo is a ride or eat chick! You decide. Embrace your current mojo. Love her as she is waiting to love you back. That love will translate into moving you into action.... trust me. At each size... once I had it in my head... I was sexy that day! Every morning I made my mojo wake the hell up and get on her job, no vacations. And when she was slipping... I gave her incentives to get better. It is a journey, diva. A journey that I am here with you if you need advice. Sorry I am long-winded... but I understand. Being close to 300lbs wasn't pretty. I have photos if you doubt that I got that big from the thin thing I was in high school.. but I did. And On Wednesday I said goodbye to another size... I don't plan on going back. If I can do it.. I know that you can.. and will. Love ya!

Day 1: Fitness Challenge (229lbs)

Hey y'all!

I feel.... tired! lmao! But I do feel proud of myself and energized. I didn't go to the gym last night because I had sooo much to do before Sunday so I decided that I would begin this morning. I also decided that morning exercises, though i hate to get up, would be better because nothing but a virus could get in the way of me getting up. I tend to find a million reasons not to go to the gym in the evening. SO morning workouts will have to be it.

I have a poem coming, but in a nutshell it will be about the vibe we put off about ourselves. We can say we are confident, feel beautiful, think we are all that, etc... but if you don't really feel that or believe that then the energy in how you respond to things (whether it be upset that your man just glanced at another woman, wondering why you are still single, or disappointed at your fitness level) will always spill out into the universe and people will pick up on it and respond to it in many different ways, good or bad. So, I am on a mission to become the answer to my own problem. Makes no sense in trying to handle other things if I can handle myself and the physical house that I have no choice but to live in. So, I am cleaning my home-home and I am cleaning my home(body). Time to show people I care about me rather than living in an unkempt house, random depression, what if & why questions, and risking health. I have placed myself into a prison.... no one but me did that. SO I don't need anyone's permission to bail myself out.

If you don't feel the same way... that's okay. This is just the conclusion that I came to on my own. Makes no sense for me to wonder why life is passing me by if I am just sitting there letting it. So yeah... clarity is here! & hopefully it is here to stay. Even ate a spinach croissant for breakfast. I just need to get down 4-5lbs by next Wednesday... that is all I really give a damn about right now. Well... have a blessed day!

Plus Sized Bonding

I read a letter on VentLetters.com about a plus size woman and how she felt when it came to the dating scene. I felt her pain and felt compelled to respond. Below is my response.

We've heard it all before. But when are we gonna be the answer to our own problems/concerns/gripes? I use to be a small size US 8. Loved it. Fell in love got pregnant and blew the hell up. I have photos of me toppling 300lbs and people think I doctored the photo. I heard the comments, walked into clubs with guys yelling "Damn there must be a buffet inside.". You name it.. I heard it. I felt it, too.

But over time, I realized that there were things that I wanted to do like I use to but couldnt any more because of my weight. Dumb dudes didnt make me eat 4 slices of pizza in one sitting, or eat out every day b/c I refused to cook. I was the root of my own pain. I had to admit that. Found what I used as excuses to eat, sought out help, pulled away from the program, slipped up on meal plans, quit going to the gym, etc. But again... I started to see that if I was smart enough to understand everything else in the world.. why was I the one thing that I couldnt pass on a test. SO each day is a struggle but I look at it by the hour.

Each hour I have goals. Drink this nasty ass water, avoid the candy lady in the next cubicle, take public transportation just to take extra steps, go window shopping and leave my purse at home, take stairs no matter what....all while eating ANY DAMN THING I WANT but smaller portions. 1slice instead of 4, half a burger instead of a whole, half a cup of coke instead of a full bottle. And by changing just my eating habits I went from 250-229 (as of my weigh-in this morning I weighed 229) And now it is time to get down 5 more lbs.

I am not doing this for a man.... I am doing this for me. I want to get on rides, go canoeing, dance for hours, wear clothes that really fit my personality. It is a journey... not a destination. and I am learning to love myself throughout the entire journey. If you need anyone to talk to... hit me up on Twitter. I promise I can help you take it step by step. From one intellectual plus size girl to the other. I'm here if ya need me. God bless!

Black in America

Black In America

by: Arch Nemesis

To blacks
I wear my blackness like a badge
To some whites

I wear my blackness as a crutch
Not too bad of an interpretation
For what I feel is a crooked honor.
I have no choice but to be black
Whites wont let me forget
And blacks wont let me lay it down
I got a chip on my shoulder
From carrying this burden that I didn’t ask for
But God gave to me anyway
Got me scared to take shows
Where I would be the only shadow
b/c I don’t think that they would get my shit
Would write stuff to appease my pockets
But would wind up denying myself
I’m ready to lay this nonsense down by the riverside
Admit that I had no clue who Mumia was
Cant recall the name of the chick in Cuba
And outside of Malcolm and Martin
Fenced in by Rosa & Coretta
Civil aint ever been my right
But my burden inherited
Taught the definition of injustice before I could spell my name
Neck poppin
Tongue clicking
Like I was the one in chains
I want to know if black is the only definition of me
Am I only as good as a mug shot comparison
Didn’t take the bigots on lawns of Coon Rapids, Minnesota
Or clueless racist in a Maryland mall to make me know that
I don’t understand being black
But somewhere along the line
It was embedded that I need to defend it
Defend it to the death of self
Cause interpretation of my skin
And who I will be because of it will never die
Don’t understand why I have to fill in a box
When I’ve never fit in a box
Outside of the closed minds
Minds who tag me before I open my mouth
I act this way because I feel this way
I dance this way b/c my soul responded
I talk this way b/c my mind relates better
And I wonder if my color had anything to do with it
I tell you there is nothing like being stabbed by the needle of a purple heart
To be stabbed by the thorns of a crown
Or tripped by the tassels of your royal sash
And told no matter what
You must hold your head high
Despite the weight of the world running through your mind
Dragging your neck downward
If only for a second to contemplate
why
I’ve got centuries of pain running through my veins
And on the best of days I feel superior to next of kin
Challenged the imposed superiority of other men
But at the end of the day
After the degrees
The heartache
The 401ks
I too am just a nigga
Draped in the latest fashion trends
Fighting for a seat at the table of a world
A world who keeps screamin’
Seat taken
At decibels that
Apparently
Only niggas can hear
As I keep my neck in steady rotation
Just to cling on to the one thing
The one thing that society keeps telling me I should know
Even though I just want to be human
Not just a color
I didn’t ask to be
Sometimes hate to be
Majority of the time proud to be
But today
I honestly dont understand what it means to be
Black in America

Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman

So,

Here I am, sitting in my house, minding my own business when Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman comes on the TV on the BET channel. I love this movie. I fell in love with the plot when I first saw the play years ago in Minnesota the summer that nothing seemed to be going my way. I felt her pain, or at least I made myself feel her pain. Had never had a guy lay his hands on me but I had have a guy beat my soul within an inch of hell and make me feel like it was my fault because I stayed.

Even today, I love this movie... but I am somewhat depressed over watching it. I hate that i can still relate to her,the lead character. I feel as if I am in the same place now that I was 7 years ago; hurt, broken,defensive...and just lonely. Thankfully my standards have risen dramatically since then, but i think that I have blown holes in my future through my actions of being hurt. I often times wonder just how many times I have made the next guy pay for thelast guy's mistakes, even though I say that I dont. How many times have I given myself in hopes that he would be the one only to run him off or have him question if I was the one.

Movies like this depress me because hearing Shamar say the lines when he is proposing to her.... it gives me hope but then it hurts my heart b/c I wonder if I will ever be girly enough, or slim enough, or submissiveenough to ever get and or deserve a guy who wants to say those things to me. There, there lies my Achilles heel. Feeling like I am worthy of a guy to love me for me without having to change or morph to get him to like/love me. I want to believe that guys like that exist, but then I have learned the hard way to stop believing in fairy tales. I have to live in the now... andmy now is that no one is knocking down my door to be in a serious relationship with me,but there are tons of guys knocking down my door to fuck me. Thankfully for me, I chose celebacy in February and have been holding down the fort every since then and I am proud of myself.

But I wonder if I have passed up on healthy relationships because I let fear guide my actions. I dont even want a boyfriend... I would like to go on dates with someone who I am honestly attracted to, not just a friend. But someone where the feelings are mutual. Someone who will eventually feel like they wish to be exclusive with me. I wonder. Not stressing because then I will only get more depressed, but I guess this is the start of Diary of an Unfortunate Black Woman. Wonder how this will turn out. I feel I will get married eventually... I just want to be young enough to enjoy it. So I guess that is my prayer to meet my husband and build a friendship with him. To have him enjoy me as I am, flaws and all. To be willing to fight for my attention and not give up on me. I want to see him for who he is... flaws and all. I wantGod to make me perfect for HIM and for him. In due time. Well.... that is my vent.

Sincerely,

Unfortunate Black Woman

Sister's Keeper

Sister’s Keeper
7/14/09

From baited virgin legs
To smoke filled incestuous kisses
Or crumpled toes stomped by boots
In domestic combat
I was my sister’s keeper
From silent alarm clocks
Ringing awake eternal sleep
To championship matches,
Center kitchen,
Children ringside
I was my sister’s keeper
Unaware that I was un-kept while keeping keepsakes un-wanting keeping
See
No one
Told me that my sister was Misery
And for once she didn’t want my company
Baited in by tears & Korean threats
Israeli & Pakistani meet
Fighting for the same thing
But one of us has got to leave
I chose me
Refusing to be used
By her being abused
Lied to in the dead of daylight
With truth ducking under beds
Waiting for her man to come home
Fear stood between us
My nephews hugged ankles
Like titanic hugged icebergs
And she took responsibility
For sinking her own ship
Like the coward captain who didn’t want to face the masses
Theatrical
Yet not dramatic
Bullshit piled on debit cards
Transported upstate on a melancholy mutt
Served cold as a delicacy
And I was still stupid enough to be my sister’s keeper
But even dumb enough to think that Martin Luther King Jr. Love could keep her
Fighting back Gandhi in dreams to get to her coffin
Waking to empty beds
Nephews no longer there
I’m coughing
Choking
Wondering where did I go wrong
Did I drop the ball?
Did I drop my end of the bargain?
As Roosevelt perch on pillows reminding me of
Johnson’s promise to reconstruct my family
Oath bound by biblical quotation
Revelation
It was brother not sister bound by lock and key
How stupid of me to think that I had to be My Sister’s keeper
She left me this time
Back to the arms of a man who didn’t want her
But since I resigned
He
Can keep her.

Violence...

So,

While I was back home for my HS reunion, my sister's boyfriend decided to act an ass. I guess he figured that since my sister allowed that shit tht I was gonna let it fly too. HELL NAWL!!

First I kept my mouth closed while he talked to my sister any kind of way that he wanted to talk. I didnt want to risk my sister coming to his defense saying that I was stepping in on her affairs. I even kept quiet when she found 3 condoms and a hotel room key in his pocket. First off... he has been with my sister for 3 years, hence my lil nephew.. and they have never used protection. My sister now has the mirana (sp) which is a UID that prevents pregnancies... so why the hell do you need condoms? Secondly, a hotel room key... busted. But she didnt snap, so I kept my mouth closed. One night he said he was going to work so I thought that I would swing past.. and sure as hell.. he wasnt there. I let it slide on the surface. Until the night when he woke me up in the room at 1am asking to see my car keys so he could move my car out of the driveway. I said hell nawl. Asked where he was going. He said that he was going to take his sister something.

AT 1AM NIGGA? really. Do I look ALABAMA COTTONFIELD STUPID?!!! SO I said, okay. Cause on beknown to him, I sleep hella light. I heard his ass when he took a shower, wasnt so damn sleepy that I didnt notice that he had put on fresh gear. I mean really... you getting fresh for your sis at 1am? This was ALabama but NOT KENTUCKY!!! so I let his ass pull out of the driveway, waited a minute and then followed his ass. I guess he forgot that I know where his sister stays at. Well first he stopped off at the gas station.. possibly to get some more condoms since my sister had his other ones..lol. And I sat across the street. I thought he was going to head in the other direction so when he came out he saw me in the shadows of the parking lot. Hell, I wasnt afraid of him so I stared his bitch ass back down. He drove off and pulled into the IHOP and just sat. I turned around and went back to my sister's house. I woke her up. She didnt even know that he was gone, and damn sure not in her car. It was on.

I went and laid back in bed with my nephew in his room. My other lil nephew was in the bed with my sister. As soon as that bitch nigga walked in the house... it was on!!! My sister confronted hima dn I heard all of his lies. I mean really, if you were gonna drop something off for your sister she could have driven the remainder 5 blocks from the IHOP where she said he met her. I mean the house was down the street. I laid there all calm, laughing at how he said he bought the condoms cause my sister said he came too quick...lmao! I mean damn, if you are gonna be a bitch nigaa, at least be able to hold it down in the bedroom...lol. I lay there calmly.. until I hear my sister tell him not to put his hands on her because she didnt put her hands on him. I slowly pull back the covers and put on footo n the floor. Ready to beat his ass like I wasnted to when I arrived. My sister walks into the room fuming and I tell her to bring the baby into the room with me b/c he doesnt need to be in the middle of all that fussing. She leaves, comes back and tells me that he said no. No? Wait... did this bitch ass nigga just tell me no? I politely reply, while pulling the rest of the covers back and getting out of the bed " Well, unfortunately I dont think I posed it as a question. I said bring the baby here" And I walk into the master bedroom and proceed to get my nephew. I crawl onto the bed softly and politely (honestly) w/o any attitude and ask him to hand me my nephew b/c he didnt need to be in the middle of this. He now has my 4month old nephew on his chest refusing to give him to me. Well... I ask one more time telling him that my sister is not finished fussing and he can come get the baby from me as soon as they are truly finished. He starts to pull my nephew by the arm and my nephew starts crying. I trll him to gie me the baby and he pushes me. MISTAKE. I'm awake now.. and he should have asked about me!

See... my reputation of whooping ass, male or female, preceeds me in the state of ALABAMA. The stories that people could tell you would shock you. So... he could have stood in the middle of the street and asked about me long before I arrived to figure who I was, adn if he were wise he would have left my sister years ago in fear that I would kill him for being a bitch nigga. But no... he thought he was the shit. So after being pushed backwards, I tell him that he messed up when he hit my sister, but he REALLY fucked up when he pushed me... and I punched that nigga dead in his jaw; repeatedly!! He gets up with my nephew and backs up into the corner yelling for me to move. I told the BN to make me move. Since he likes hititng on females so much.. make me move.

He jumps over the bed and tries to make it to the front door to run out with my nephew. I hate it when people underestimate my thickness. I beat the nigga to the front door and told him that if he could make it past me that he deserved to take my nephew out of that house. hahahaah. This negro decides to call his sister and tell her that we were over there double teaming her. I told him KayKay could come too b/c I havent beaten a bitches ass in a minute but i would love to stomp her in the ground too. Told him that two could play that game and called 911. Told them that I was about to put my security clearance on the line and they might want to call the cops and bring the ambulance for Corey BITCHASS Harris too! My sister goes to get my nephew and he clothes lined her. I punch that nigga in his eye and the pain hurt so much that he dropped my nephew and I caught him, safely. Told him to leave the house before I committed a felony. And he walks all down the street claming that we are through. The cops show up.. take a report and tell us they will circle to look for him.

I told my sister to rest. When she woke up a few hours later... we threw all of their clothes in trash bags and spent about 2 hours trying to find a hotel where no one there knew him or would try to tell him that she was there. I later went back and cleared out the rest of his shit, and called Rent-a-center to get the furniture. Called her friend to come and get the groceries and clean up any last minute things. All done in one day. Day two, she got her last check, notified her job, returned her car, got all of the kids vital records, forwarded and cut off all bills to the house and I bought them a bus ticket and luggage. We packed all of their stuff and we drove to ATL so that he wouldnt try to catch her at the local bus station.

Once she got up here.. we had to find a place for her to safely stay and my place wasnt cutting it. So we got her into a domestic violence center. And I didnt know that they would cut her off from the world.. even me! I havent spoken to her or my nephews in a week. I hope that she isnt mad at me because I called the day after to try and speak with her and they pretended like they didnt know me. I left a message to call me back and my work number and I dont know if she got it. I hope that she contacts me when she gets out. I pray. Well.. that is my rant on that for now.

Ignant people!

I have noticed that I cannot stand people who play victim... I CANT STAND IT!!! Nor can I stand it when people promise stuff and dont follow through.

I have begun to listen to people who blame things on other people. I listen and then I start to see if it is in fact other damn people. Because there is no way that it is all their fault and I start to see the same damn thing in you that you say that they accuse you of... umm. TRICK... IT'S YOU!!! Grow the hell up, get on your grind, stop playing the victim role or get the hell out of my life.

And I am trying to be patient in this one situation... but I am waiting on a few people to try and be as proactive as they faked that they wanted to be. I put the time out there.. and I am just waiting. So, people wonder again why I make it all about me... because in cases like this, if I waited on people I would be shit out of luck!.

Also, this friend of mine has their own venue down in NC, and he invited me down to feature at their event. I mean months ago they asked me to come down.. well here it is the week of and I havent heard about my flight information, what time I am to get there to perform... hell if I am even still performing... and I hate this shit. I have been calling for the past two damn weeks to try and get information and his phone just rings. I am putting forth the effort to call and verify. I am being honest. If they didnt have the money for me to come down there then they should just call and tell me hey you cant come. But this is some foul shit. Another person that I am gonna have to cut out of my life. Cuse I just need people to be damn honest with me. That's so simple and yet people cant even do that shit right.


Ummm... I guess that is it.. just out of it today. And a tree fell and took out my Fios (tv, phone, and internet)... so I am bored stupid after 5pm. Just pray for me and pray that it will come back on sometime tomorrow morning otherwise this weekend will suck ass!

Random expression

today, wow... too much on my mind to even function.

I really just want to sit on the couch and cuddle through the rain. But all of the people who I would have liked to do that with... suck! lol. I will probably go home and clean my house...I wanted to goto a comedy show, but the friend I wanted to go with me, well her parents are in town and she is not going to be able to make it.

It is times like this when I notice just how few friends I actually kick it with on a regular basis. I dont dislike it... I just notice that I dont enjoy spending alone time with all of my friends...lol. Damn shame. I mean I have a handful of friends that I can kick it with one on one with who dont get on my nerves.

I also see myself going through a self imposed transformation. I have no clue if this is good or bad, but it is needed... for the time being anyway. I just enjoy being by myself. I get to do it without having to be bothered by anyone else and that is lovely. So, I will be by myself for a lil while.