Remaining About Me!

I am in this phase where I am fighting who I want to be and who I need to be. It is a hard battle because Who I need to be does not protect my emotions, sanity, and heart the way that who I want to be would, and that terrifies me. Where does this come from, you ask? Well, it comes from here: I asked an Honesty Box question on Facebook. For those who dont know, the Honesty Box is an application where you post a question and people can reply anonymously and the only way you figure out who said it is if you know the person well enough or if they tell you.

I have lost so-called friends over the Honesty Box because I replied honestly and yet, I told myself that I would listen to the honest box replies, take away the truth, not be offended by the truth, and apply/respond honestly in my life. I believe that you should ask questions that you are afraid to hear the answer to or questions that you know you need to hear. And that is what I do/did.

So, I was inside of one of my funky moods one day and I decided to ask, "What about me says "un-dateable" or intimidating?". At the time... I didnt think about it, but I only had one friend left on my friends list who I had even dated that would be able to give me feedback that had some weight/experience behind it. )I may have to go back through my friends list and double check, but I can only think of one..lol). Well, weeks go by and I forgot I even posted the question...until today when I get a reply back from a male and he said:

"you talk too much and listen too little, your confidence and talent are very attractive then you get one on one and its still all about you... a relationship is not a performance... you aren't intimidating, you just expect a man to be more audience than mate" ~ Anonymous

I heard him. And for the first time, through an anonymous posting... someone was honest with me. I had asked this question for ten years and all I heard was that I was intimidating. When asked for clarifications I got that I have "my stuff too much together" (which didnt make any damn sense...b/c who wants a woman who doesnt have her shit together?) or I got that I was un-dateable because I was not like the other girls (again... didnt make sense to make me yet another clone.). But with this explanation... I had to humbly agree, but only partially.

I agree that I talk too much, but I listen more than people think that I do. People just have to listen to my talk to catch on. I remember birthdays, favorite colors, days that people work, their dislikes, what they say they want, their dreams... and if they paid attention to me as much as they would claim that I dont pay attention to them.. they would take the time to notice just how much I really do pay attention. It also stung a little bit when he said that it is all about me. Yes, it is... because I have yet to find a guy who would make it about me which would then open me up to make it about him. I have memories of driving for miles to pick a guy up for an airport, or driving from DC to Alabama but making sure that I stopped in TN because I wanted to see a guy, or allowing a guy to spend the night at my place because the electricity was out at his house, or even something as simple as loaning tissue because he was out and didnt have money to go to the store until pay day. But looking back, I remember those same guys (in the same order as above) not being at the airport b/c they arrived days earlier and didnt care to tell me then have a welcome home party w/o inviting me, to show up at his apartment expecting intimacy and somewhat getting the cold shoulder, being told that majority of our deep conversations were fostered b/c he was on drugs during most of them, or told that I am too difficult to be with and that we would kill each other in a relationship. Funny how no one seems to remember all of the things that I did or offered to do because I cared but because I didnt do what they wanted me to do... it becomes all about me.

I laid on my back more times than God would have liked and Jesus would have allowed because it is what I felt they wanted. Was told not to rush things, play the background and let things take their course. Wasnt allowed to say I love you because It wouldnt be reciprocated. Ignored when asked what were we suppose to call ourselves since we were kicking it so hard, titleless. So, after all of the guys that I have come across in the past 10 years.... were just that.. guys. I can honestly say that my last boyfriend was my HS sweetheart, so sad. I went out on dates but never had a boyfriend. Had sex but never had a lover. Had love, gave it, but never received it. There were times when I was almost hidden.... you know the late night chick that would creep in once the sun went down and out before the sun came up. Never meeting their friends, never knowing more about them after 5 years than I did from the day we met. Even this past weekend I had three, count them, THREE guys come at me on a sexual tip. One friend has a girlfriend, erased himself out of my camera from some pics that I took of him but was okay with trying to feel up on me ( I had to nip that in the bud... though tempting.. I was slightly offended). Second friend offered for me to stay at him house b/c I had drank too much, but quickly mentioned that he likes to sleep in the nude... I declined and said I would rather risk my life. He then says that for me he will sleep in boxers, but in the middle of the night he rolls over and presses himself p against me and in the morning is sitting there with himself falling out of his boxers as I am about to leave (I have NEVER been romantically interested in this friend..ever!!!!). Or the friend that called me and mentioned that he had wondered that if he were in town at the same time as me that he wondered if we would have had sex. So, was I suppose to drop all of my standards and be with these guys... you know, just to make it all about them and not me.... or was I suppose to make it about my morals, my body, and my growing self respect and remained accused of making it all about me. See, no matter what I do...somehow, people seem to think that I make it all about me. To which I reply, "I have to b/c no one else will".

As far as a relationship not being a performance.... I hear him again. But I have to fantasize in order not to get hurt. Just waiting for the curtain to close, the play to end, and the show to move on to the next theatre. It is just me being protective of myself. And if the guy was meant for me... he would find the continuous thrill in things never being the same, the search for something new, and the endless expression of my emotions, love, and care for him. I dont know how to do it any other way.

I have to disagree with the fact that I want a man to be an audience instead of a mate, well... to a certain extent. I want a mate, but I also want a mate who can be my audience and support me. Someone who can enjoy what I enjoy from time to time so that he can know why I am the way that I am. What makes me smile. In return... I have tried to ask what makes guys happy and received silence, offered to attend softball/baseball games and never received a date, shown up to the studio and kicked it in support of him but never accused them of wanting an audience and not a mate. I guess it was me being naive to think that audience and mate were semi-synonymous. Yet, I understand where he could get that from. As I said above, I had to make it all about me because no one would do it, so I began to have to be on stage even in intimate settings. I guess I would have to say that I was trying to promote myself, even sell myself as something wonderful so that he would want me more. Giving off this.. "Hey, Look At Me b/c I'm What you Need" aura and now seeing that it backfired.

So the battle is in becoming the quiet chick who appears to listen while fighting to talk and express myself. Or taking my relationships (or whatever they are called since I have never been in one) out of the performance realm and just being ordinary. Also, not asking guys to come to my performances in fear that he will think I am seeking an audience, or going along with a situation without wanting someone to make it about me sometimes. Everything that I would change.... it would possibly get me a mate... but it wouldnt be me that they would be falling for. So, it sucks, and it hurts that even though I agree.... the person who wrote the response still doesnt see that no one is interested in loving me. Not the remixed, changed, reformed version... but the blunt talking, artistic, progressive/aggressive form of me. And as much as i want a partner.... I would miss me too much, so I hear him... I appreciate his honesty, but I ask that he respects me not being so easily influenced in giving up the very thing that makes me who I am. I love me.... and again, I have to make it about me because someone wants me to stop being me, or suggesting that by being me makes me hard to be in a relationship with...I guess it will always be just me then. And I have had the past 10 years to get use to being by myself, and for once... even though it still hurts to be lonely at times... I am finely and genuinely okay with that. Here I am... take me or leave me.... but respect that I am truth.

~~Arch Nemesis

Daddy

Hey yall... wrote this. Need feedback. I like the concept but might scrap some or all of it and rework it. Well. I am sleepy. ttyl. God bless!


Daddy
6-24-09

My daddy doesn’t come into my bedroom
any more
Well
Not like he abuse to
But my boyfriends keep requesting that I call them daddy
Unfortunately
I remember what it felt like to be pressed down between old spice and Linens & Things
Watched as I undressed for nightly baths
Stripped searched in cavities
When the dentist said I had none
Spread eagle with a bald eagle
Before I knew it was apart of America’s pride
Covered in baby oil while he rubbed me down
With Newport drenched drool running down my neck
As he introduced me to the Slow grind
& jean burned labia
And never once did he have to question
Who’s your daddy
Because he knew it
Didn’t need to be reminded
Hell
Didn’t want to be reminded
He in his jacked up world
And I black out
Thanking time for wherever it went
Finding freedom in ignorance
Though it was not bliss
Only to come full circle to
This
Jacked up notion that the subtle thought of incest is best
Twista
Got you twisted
Because you were doing good
But I’ma have to leave you and do better
I was wet,
But mention of my daddy in a sexual situation
Does not make me wetter
It makes me question
When did it become okay
To suggest we take it to the bedroom to reenact R Kelly’s adult vs child play
Finding it sexy for a grown man to request you dress in less than adult fits
Catholic school girl preferably
Just so he can rise to the occasion and knit pick at your grades
Anally
Unable to see that the subtle seeds are being dropped for him to become a real teacher’s pet
Take time and invest in becoming the pain in a 4th grader’s ass
Bullying your morals
And picking a new best friend when your costume
You can no longer fit in
The only thing stopping him from asking you your favorite Barney episode
Is that private schools don’t allow red high heel
It’s like a predator call without dateline
Because if you ask me who’s my daddy,
It means that you don’t know me
And need to get the hell up off me
And though I consented
You envisioned a minor
Took the safe route and checked my id in efforts to dodge felony charges
Unable to understand my sheer expression of disgust in your request
As if my answering with
This sorry son of a bitch by the name of
Charles Sigroy Carter Jr who continuously molested me
Would actually be sexy enough of an answer for you to scream out
Ahh baby that’s what I’m talking about
In order for us to proceed
Negro please
It is still a crime
Because deep down inside
I will always be the little girl having asthma attacks
Because his weight crushed my flesh
Allergic to cigarette smoke
Because the smell ejaculated on his tongue
& impregnated my lungs through my lack of a 9 year old chest
Praying that I can one day find a sexual equal
Not a another Chester the molester
Who touches me under the table during thanksgiving
So no I can not call you daddy in the house
Talk like a little girl; soft like a mouse
I do not like it here or there
I will never like it anywhere
You cant be my daddy
I don’t need you to be my daddy
Because my daddy no longer comes in my bedroom,
Well
Not like he abuse to

Tell Your Ex She can Stalk this!!!!

I have this ..ummmm....

"THING" about guys and how they let their ex girlfriends function in their lives. I believe that everything a man and/or a woman does is a sign. So, my "THING", if you will, is about letting your ex be your ex or giving them the axe if they cant remember their place.

So, I HAD a cool friend. Unique even. I figured that he and I would be awesome friends. Honestly he is not even my type to date... I like muscular guys, a look that is faaaaaaaaaaaar different from his. But I figured that it couldnt hurt to open myself to his friendship and whatever happens..well.. happens.

Side bar: I have to give my definition of a date. I think that a date is when two people, be it opposite sex or same sex, stranger, friends, couple(s), or spouses chose to have an outing or an inning that is comprised of an amount of time specifically set aside to engage in any fitting activity with the partner of that event.

So, our first date went well. I thought that he was very suave. We went for gourmet pizza, conversation, & a movie. He was the perfect gentleman on all fronts. Just cool to hang with. I wasnt thinking that he was going to be my man, or that we would raise tons of children, hell I was just excited to be in the presence of someone who could hold an intelligent conversation minus comments about sex or objectifying me. The second "date" was just a lounge gathering at my house. PET PEEVE of mine is to be late, and he was... but I let it slide. We had a heated debate which ended with me taking him home. I didnt hear from him for a while but was glad to hear from him when I eventually did. And we just picked the conversations back up and kept it moving. He was my friend and I thought that I was his. I told him about other guys (which girls dont do if they are thinking of dating this guy...therefore automatically putting him in the present friend zone). Again, he has suave appeal but I wasnt trying to be his girlfriend any time soon.

Well, last night he and I had scheduled to talk late in the evening and so I hit him up on Twitter and told him to hit me up when he signed on b/c I would be at the house. After speaking with him I posted on Twitter that I had just had a wonderful conversation with (Enter his Fraternity Line Name Here) and that I enjoyed it and was going to sleep. Something else caught my eye and I posted a few more updates and then I posted the following (paraphrased):

"I cant wait for my date tomorrow: Food, Great conversation (as always), Laughs.....and then on to Bible Study. I cant wait."

I personally thought that it was harmless. I saw the date as the food and conversation and I separated Bible Study as something all by itself. I was actually honored that he had invited me to Bible Study with him. Until this morning. I am waking up to shut down my computer and he sends me a Yahoo! IM that his ex girlfriend back home was angry at the post that I put on Twitter. He then proceeds to tell me that he didnt think that Bible Study was a date and that he doesnt think his ex would contact me but he was just giving me a heads up. I AM HEATED!!!!! I ever so politely tell him that it wasnt how he took it, I wont post anything else about him, and I dont like the fact that he has someone stalking his damn updates and anyone who writes to him, & that he didnt have to worry about tonight, tomorrow, or any other night following that and asked that he please stop talking to me. Extreme? No... here's why:

First off, I drove all the way to work this morning trying to figure out what didnt quite make damn sense about the entire thing. I replayed the events in my mind and found loop holes, a crazy ex, a shady cover, and a deja vu of past conversations with my exes in reference to their ex.... so I had to nip this in the bud. I wrote on Twitter around 9pm with a tag to him to call me b/c I was in the house. Around 2am I post that I just got off the phone with (Insert Line Name here), then around 2:30am I posted something about my date. If in fact his ex didnt like my comment... this chick stalked my page. Only the first status had his name in it. The last two, one had his line name and one made no reference to him at all.... not to mention that she waited well over 5 hours to read the last two remarks (which were 30 minutes apart) and then tell him that she was upset about it. Can we say... CHICK GET OFF HIS NUTS?!!!

Secondly, I can tell a ton about a dude based on how he talks to, interacts with, or references his ex. First off... he should have put her in check and told her that what he does with his life and his time is none of her business. But, he didnt. Then he comes and warns me that she is angry like I gives a damn. Sorry... but My ummmm...."I gives a damn"...... has been in the shop for years! I dont plan on putting a down payment on the repair bill any time soon, either. Then he should have come to me if and only if he had a legit problem with my posting. Even then, he should have asked me what I meant by it instead of assuming that I was dumb enough to consider a church gathering a date! WHO DOES THAT? He should have known that I thought we were merely friends, or ask me what I thought we were before jumping to conclusion that by date I meant he was my man. YOU WISH! The jacked up part about it is that he knows I am going through a lot lately and he chose to tell me this early in the morning. Took all I could not to wish him to get hit by a bus! I hate it when people cant tell you something at an appropriate time or manner. IMs, Texts, and emails are NEVER the appropriate way to tell someone something like that because the tone never comes out right.... and in a stereotypical fashion... I didnt like his TONE!! lol

In the end, what I saw was a guy who was concerned more about what an ex thought rather than take the time to investigate. How would she know what I wrote when it wasnt on his page, why is she all up on my page, and whether I meant what he thought I meant. Guys who let their ex girlfriends that much into their life are trouble.. I know because I have been the ex girlfriend all up in the mix! So, he is booted... finished. And since his ex girlfriend likes to read so damn much..... read this: KISS MY BIBLE, right in the CREASE/CRACK; somewhere between Revelations and get a life!!!

And for you.... the guy... choose better women to stay in your life.

Conflicted in ATL

So, there is so much that happened this past week but I will eventually write it all out of my system. Here goes:

I was down in ATL with a friend of mine and his boyfriend. Balling!!!!!! Just having fun and catching up when they decide that we are going to go to the club. I didnt know that we were going to an all gay club. In my mind... I was cool with it because I am simply in love with him as my friend. I will ride to the end of the earth and back again with this dude. I see my gay friends hug, kiss, tell gay jokes, give sexual details and I am cool with that. But NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING not even a pre-requisite educational course with cliff notes and instructional video could have prepared me for what I experienced when I walked inside of this club! I was beyond ....conflicted.

We were outside this dude was in his truck with friends and they were on Peachtree Street giving me a compliment like regular straight dudes. While my friend goes and puts money down for my parking space the guy pulls off down the road. So we walked into the club, Jamming. Not even 5 minutes in the club and I run into one of my friends. He is a person who is always up here in DC and I love to kick it with him when he comes up here.. real cool dude. He is a chill person and the ladies just flock to him. I mean.... if I explained more about him you would understand but I am protecting him. I mean, I turn my head and there he was... we said hello, gave each other a hug and I could tell that he was either ashamed or shocked that someone saw him.... especially me. I guess since I am a poet... he didnt want to become one of my poems. I mean, I guess my intial reaction must have shown on my face. I mean, I had a crush on this guy when i first met him and then just thought he was cool and became only his friend. I think he is mad sexy and here he was inside of an all gay club. He offers to buy me a drink and then he hands me the drink and then disappears off into the crowd. I spent the next 30 minutes fighting with myself on the inside as to how I was seeing him now. I mean, if he is gay then he will still be my friend, I guess it was just a shock. I also didnt want him to be ashamed or embarrassed that I discovered his secret... or what was a secret to me and anyone up here in DC.

So, I get over that and then I start to actually open my eyes and pay attention to what is around me. Nothing but Gay guys. In that moment I had to confront the stereotypical views of gay males that I have behind my store front, ready to purchase, sales floor presentation version of my open mindedness. Like I said earlier, I am cool with the gay friends that I have and have come in contact, but this.... this was different. I thought that gay guys came in a well dressed, mani/pedicured, Clearasil washed, non-turned over shoe wearing, blunt point proving, automatically sensed by my female intuition gaydar package. But I was so full of inner turmoil b/c my view of a gay...he was in there too, but then people like my friend who was forced to swing his closet door open towards me....he was there. Along with him...there was cell block 54 fresh off the yard dudes who looked so buff with tats of females on their body, ivy league looking dudes, football player & basketball players..I know because they had their school jearseys on. I was conflicted because I turned inward and realized that there were so many dudes that I was attracted to in there who did not fit the mold of what I thought gay could/would/should be. I dont think that I will ever be comfortable with that.

As an African American female....I was scared out of my mind. I saw a thugged out dude with baggy pants lean over the banister and another thugged out dude with locs, tats, buffed up, no shirt on, boxers showing, and surrounded with a hood life auora walk up behind him and just start dancing by banging up against and grinding on him as if they were naked. I wasnt ready to see my friend who I didnt know was gay disappear into the crowd and as the strobe light hit the crowd, I would cath him in the center of all those guys being bent over and grinded up on... I wasnt ready. Now my friend that I came with... he was dancing and having a ball... I was ready for that cause I love him and he is my boo.... so I have yet to figure out why I had such a hard time with the other dudes.

I guess I had a hard time because I could have walked out on the street and met them with their boys and they holla at me like they were straight, possibly date me, and at night creep off into one of these clubs. And before you say that not every guy wants me... I know.... but remember that dude who hollered at me out of his car window like a straight dude....well we left out of the club when it closed and there he was.. in the parking lot leaning up against his car checking out the dudes that were coming out of the club. None of his friends were in the car with him.So.... fear was immediately fanned and the fear flame raised. We also had to walk out the back of the club when it was over and I wanted to know why I had to walk out the back door, past the dumpsters, over a rope and around a fence just to get back to the parking lot. Why couldnt we walk out the front of the club like every other club that I had been to?

The night at the club closed as I sat in my car reapplying my make-up in a group of people who were more likely to give me tips than to think I was sexy with it on. And I sat there and watched guys kiss and grind up against each other in the parking lot. I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe I am not as open minded as I thought I was. Prop 8 is horrible... I dont support it at all, my gay friends are my love, I dont hate on who people choose to love.. I just cant go back into that situation again. 'Cause like I said.... there were too many guys in there who I know are on the DL on a daily basis.... and I guess it was a safety test, a learning experience, and maybe a warning from God.... whatever it was I now have my eyes open. I had a blast!!! The music, my friends, the drinks... amazing... just like any other club you would go to, they are still human... I just have some internal things to still work out about what I saw,and how I feel....especially how I will view men.....

Thanks for reading, and I cant apologize if I offended you.. this was my Bullshit Free reaction. Leave your remarks below.

~~Arch Nemesis

Things that Irk Me About Male Profiles on the Web

Okay,
So I started documenting the things that irk the mess out of me when I am searching the web on various sites, and I am scanning a male profile. These are just a few that became my twitter statuses... but I know that more will come as I continue to run into them. Enjoy and please leave your comments or further suggestions below.

1. Women take pics w men/women in mind.Men take pics based on what they THINK we want & what their boys think is cool. Huge disconnect.


2. If I see another pic of a guy with his penis out... I'm pressing charges b/c that is harrassment by way of internet! Isnt that illegal?


3. If I see another pic of a grown man flipping birds... I am calling his mama


4. If I see another dude with his status as "Its COmplicated" I'm leaving the country. How do you not know if you are single or not?!!!


5. If another dude post a pic of a celeb as himself.I am slapping all of the females who responded to let him continue to get away w that mess!


6. If a guy thinks that a pic of money,his dog,a random car in a parkig lot, or a house by the ocean will attract me.. I'll pay for therapy!


7. If a guy takes a pic with 22 people and gets mad when I want to talk to the hot dude.... WTH? Guess you shouldnt have given me options!


8. If I see a dude smoking cigs/weed in a pic & there is more smoke visable than you... I am calling you in. 911 on speed dial.


9. If your house isnt clean behind you in your pic,you can close shop on getting a woman to clean it.Cause the 1 you get wont clean your house!


10. Drinking from bottles of alcohol in your pic lets me know that your liver is shot and you will die soon. Now put me on your life insurance!


11. If you do NOT live in the same country as me... no I will NOT call you, marry you, or send you money. So stop asking!


12. It is NOT sexy for a guy to put 10 ways to communicate with him when you 1st meet. i.e phone,mama's phone,5 emails,ex as a reference,...etc


13. If you are 69yrs old... DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT put up the pic of when you were 29...the Rick James poster in the background gives you away!


14. Speaking in complete sentences over the age of 4 is NOT an option but a requirement in the Grow The Hell Up manual. Pg 1 Section 1-1-A


15. If you are 4ft 8 inches, you are NOT allowed to call anyone shorty, shawty, shawt thang,etc no matter what region of the country you are in!


16. If ALL of your pics on your page are of you holding your cell phone to take the pic... Kill yourself or get new friends!

On to healing... A Vent.

Jamming on repeat to Ciara's Never Ever......

And this blog is shit that I should tell myself.

I know that guys in my past honestly do NOT love me and there is no amount of prayer or tricks or manuvering that will make them change. So, it is about time that I took my heart back from them as I move on to bigger and better things because I think that them still having my heart, or parts of it... is what is keeping me from happiness.

X(Guy #1): I forgive you again, and again, and again. This time... i let it go. I dont even hold on to the pain that is you and I. You are married now and I recognize that. I accept that. All of your emails about how you settled for your wife because you couldnt have me, Or how you wish she could be me or at least do the things that I use to do with/for you.... they were nice only because I hoped that you would one day leave her and get your life back and come back to me. I would never do anything to break you two up... but rather let you come to that conclusion on your own. How selfish of me. Simply selfish. And when I come home next week... I will not even speak to you or let you know that I have come or gone. You have a good wife, whether you think so or not... you do. I need to send your Marine ring back to you too. I held on to it because it was something that I knew you would want back. Plus, it was a ring and you gave everyone you were ever with a ring except me so..... pardon the devil in me for keeping it. I dont need it any more. It just sits in my jewlery box. As a matter of fact I will try to have it mailed to your house before I get there just so that I can step into the state with no more attachments. OUr daughter is gone, and she isnt coming back. She will always be apart of my life, my dreams, and my nightmares... always in my heart, but I have to remove you from her memory as well. The love that I wish I could have given you has consumed me for 10 long damn years. I've given you enough of my time without you doing anything for me but cheat on me, hurt me, and lie to me. I'm stupid for staying this long, or at all. But I have to let go, right here... today. I love you. ALways have and never stopped. But I have got to stop today. It was fun while it lasted. I will always remember the good times but cant dwell on them. May you and your wife have the best and happiest of times and raise a beautiful family together. Because I know you are happy, otherwise you wouldnt be married to her. I hope that you find confidence in yourself and your inner talents and get to being the man you were destined to be and not the man that you have allowed yourself to become. This is my goodbye to you. Love ya! & God bless!

G (Guy #2): Wow you selfish sonofabitch. I remember when you waited for me to go to sleep to whisper in my ear that you loved me. then when I mentioned it later you deinied it. You sucked in bed.. terribly... horribly. I never knew anyone who could mess up going down on someone. You were physically blessed with the best d**k on this side of the country... but a damn shame that you dont know how to use it. Being rough and trying to "beat it to death" doesnt work for you. Why do you thik I always came up with excuses to have sex with you. It is BECAUSE YOU SUCKED!!!!! And your dumb ass couldnt see that I liked you for the little ways that you showed me you cared. For ironing my clothes, for looking out for me when I was in Minnesota, for coming to my graduation. I would have done anything you asked me to do because I cared for the real you behind the asshole. I felt that you were embarrassed by my size and that you kept me hidden. I felt like you only used me for sex after a while. You said you were not a phone person and that is why you never called me... but if I called you then you could talk for hours. If anyone asks you to help them move you would break your neck to drive from Tennesse to Atl or Alabama to help them move. But if I asked you to drive here to see me I would get all kinds of excuses. Sometimes, just sometimes, a girl likes for a guy to show some action that he cares. And listening to me complain about how things go wrong is what a friend does.. but a man reaches out to a woman if he loves her and makes sure that she is not confused about that. You SUCK at it. You kept to yourself so much that I should have taken that hint years ago. I dont know too much more about you today than I did when I first met you. Which makes me realize just how desperate I was to be loved by you. I'm erasing you out of my life. Tired of walking on tippy toes about how I feel about you or how you make me feel. You don't call anyway so it does not matter. I can take you off of my radar and never pick you back up on it. And damn, it sucks because when you weren't being an ass.... you were my perfect make up of a man. You have the drive, the confidence, the education, the body, the humor..... you just sucked at romance and treating a lady like a lady.

R(Guy #3): You dumb ass!!!! You should have been lucky to get with me. I saw who you dated before and even all of them put together on their best day couldn't amount to me on my deathbed! You have a nonexistent d**k!!! You don't get the right to say what dudes with regular sized or bigger get to say. Also, just admit that you have erectile dysfunction! You're not fooling anyone. The lies you told, the games you played, and the psycho trick you chose to be with... I wish you both well. I just hope that your children grow up to be better than you and the examples that you have placed before them you limp d**k bastard! And I hope you get back everything that you deserved by putting my life at risk by playing those childish games.

M (Guy #4): Though I didn't know you that long... two years ago I actually liked you. Was head over heels for you. I loved your confidence, your humor, and your drive. You have a beautiful way with words that seduced me and made me fall in love with your intelligence. You became my new way of looking at what I wanted. I thought, wow... this guy right here is amazing. You were no where near my type physically but you had everything else and that trumped the physical. But you had the cutest smile and the most gorgeous eyes. And when you messed up. it hurt like HELL!!!! I shut down big time after that. And to have you come back into my life two years later and get me to open up again and then slam the door on my heart because you cant get over your ego.... makes you an ass!!! Today being your birthday sucks because I was gonna surprise you with a dinner and just kick it with you. I was really, really looking forward to that time with you and I don't get it today. You were not my fairy tale man nor did I ever ask you to be. But I thank you for being the ass that you are and waking me up out of my way of thinking. You have now taken away any and all hope that I had in believing that the older I got the more intelligent guys would be. You have taken away what little bit of faith I had in a black man away. You stripped away what little bit of sanity and clarity I had. My femininity is shattered by your "pearls" remark. I am no longer interested in seeking a relationship with another guy for as long as I live. I mean... really.... to be fussed at by a guy who cant even control himself through a slow grind sucks! But the sad part is that I wanted you to be the chill dude that I could kick it with because you were in entertainment like I was. You would understand my busy schedule and you were a chivalrous gentleman on the surface. You were too damn good to be true..... but thanks for finishing off what the other two above damn near did; you killed my ideal of fairy tales. You did that by backing away from me for being honest and enjoying the perfect moment that was before us both to enjoy. Thanks, I ate the apple and I am awake now!

These are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. I could have added Chad in there because that is where the pain started... but nah, he's a nobody to me now too. Wow, writing all of that did make me feel just a little bit better. The journey to begin healing. It has indeed begun. So when I go home if I can avoid guy #1 at all costs I will have a blast! I plan to help raise my nephews into wonderful gentlemen and to teach them to be real at all times no matter the consequences. Because they are the only two men that I have loved that love me back, and I plan to keep it that way. They will not turn out to be like these assholes. I plan to help make it easier for the next generation of females who will have to date them.

Now.... on to healing.

Men no more.

Sitting here and jamming to Chrisette Michelle's song "Notebook".

This past week has been a wake up call to me. I have both cried, lashed out, secluded myself and reached out all in the course of 7 days. All because I am tired of not knowing how to reach out to guys and have them respond back positively to my heart. I see tons of females around me doing what we are told by guys NOT to do and they are all wrapped up in long term relationships and I havent had a boyfriend in 10 years. I just want someone who will come and cuddle with me, an occasional romantic outting, and just someone that I can spend time with. But right now it doesnt look like it is in my near future nor my future at all.

Do I want to be married... yes, one day. I am actually afraid to get married because I am afraid that with the way that my love life has gone... he will leave. I want love soooo damn bad and maybe, just maybe, my want is so strong that it emits through my skin and scares guys off. I speak honestly and from my heart. If you ask me how I feel I tell them and they run. Or they use me for my vulnerability. Both actions cause me to put up a huge wall and it gets harder for me to let my walls down.

This last guy, I got caught up in the moment, but I responded to the things in which he issued in my direction. He asked me what I wanted and I said safety by way of honesty. He took me to the Washington Memorial around midnight and it was ll lit up with Lincoln's memorial in the backdrop and the capitol to the otherside. It was simply beautiful. He kissed me and I cried, caught me off guard really, because it was just too beautiful and I told him that. It just seemed surreal and I thanked him for bringing me there. It seemed like a fairy tale. So we kissed and it was wonderful! I'll never forget him tasting like mint gum...lol. So we go back to his car and we stand on the side of the truck. I saw the set up coming but felt prepared for it. He leans in and starts kissing me, rubbing his hands all over my body and I warn him that he needs not cross the line because I will have him running back. I guess he thought I was bluffing or thought that he could handle the challenge. I could tell he was well and excited through all of the kissing and grinding. He had this Jim Carey-ish Cat in the Hat grin... and I told him we might want to stop because his grin meant that his bad boy side was about to show up. But he didnt listen. He was whispering ridiculous shit in my ear that he thought was sexy or befitting fo the moment... and I could tell that he was past the point of return. So, I took it upon myself to prove a point, I push him up against the truck and start to grind on him. Allowing him to rub his hands over my body. Shortly after... he came... and tried to pull away from me. I told him why run... I wanted to share the moment with him. And he looks at me and says that it is time that he get me home. BAM! there is was... the moment had officially changed.

Where I went wrong in that: I should have insisted harder to go home before it all got taken out of hand. I should have not let my own ego get the best of me and try to take him to that point. But in my defense... I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I honestly thougth that dancing/grinding, kissing, and touching above the clothes was purely innocent and romantic. Just living in the moment. But what I didnt know was that he would not appreciate it and that he would tell me the next day that I "needed to let him earn my pearls". WTF?!!!!! I didnt give my pearls to him. He was the one who lost his pearls and almost turn me into the black Monica Lewinski in the glow of the capitol's yard lights. But of course.. I get blamed. Classic.

After the past week that I have been through I have come to the conclusion that maybe it wasnt meant for me to be with a man. Maybe it was meant for me to be with a female. I have always fought that side of myself because it just wasnt "right" but now I am seriusly contemplating. At first I was about to just give up on black males, but I give up on males all together. I dont want anything else to do with them. Nothing whatsoever. This last guy made me feel bad for speaking honestly and not playing games. For making him feel good. For being me.

So from this day forward, males are simply friends to me. I dont care about anyone trying to date me. I dont want to date them. I will not sleep with another man, I will not kiss another man, nor will I give a damn about another man in a romantic way. It sounds so simple, but this last encounter was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cant put myself out there any more, even if it is for a few hours, a couple of days, or even years. I'm tired of being stepped on. No more strictly D**kly for me... nope.... I'm done. Dont know how the whole lesbian bit will work out, but I know I dont want the male ego any more. Well, I'm dipping out since I am hungry right now and too emotional to even know where the rest of this blog is gonna go.