Poetry Month: Poem #1 "Poetry is Not..."

April is Poetry month..... So we artists like to write one poem a day for the month of April. Wanna hear it.. here we go!

Poem #1
~*Poetry is Not.....*~
by: Arch Nemesis

Poetry is not what I do,
Nor is it that I amBut my name,
My name should be truth
Klepto to causes and emotions
Wrapped in metaphors
These words are a manifestation of who I claim to be
And manage to remain once crowd goes home
I am eclectically dressed in verb
Echoing from the limbs of my soul
They’ve got to be synonymous to truth for those who hang onto them
Mind to predicate
Like babe to breast
Nutrient for the heart
I know
I’ve witnessed
Word jumped off tongue
Sashayed down isle
Took hand and said
This piece is about you
Been there
Done that
Took someone's story and broadcasted it on stage
L Boogie sound tracking the transaction
Courage it took
After mic turned off
Lights rose
Words exchanged
Your poem was about me
They to me
Your poem touched me
Me to they
Souls wishing to touch the hem of our stage’s curtain
Insert here
What would a Messiah do
Blasphemy to those who misuse words
Walk souls to purgatory’s gates under the pretense of heaven’s entrance
I cant stand idly
Witness words being pimped
Preaching promises of revelation through Judas
Your syntax must die
3 days later never to rise
For if Art imitates Life
Then your words suggests that your life is merely imitation
Improper use of Be verb suggests you don’t exist
Neither does the lie you portray
Passing it off as poetryIf you are it
Then I stand affirmed that I am not
Poetry is not what I do
Nor is it that I am
Yet these words are a manifestation of who I claim to be
And manage to remain once the crowd goes home.

Hi, My name is Proverbs 31- Esther

Today I decided that I am Esther:

Hadassah, Esther’s Jewish name, comes from the word for 'myrtle', a tree whose leaves only release their fragrance when they are crushed; Esther's full potential only appeared when she and her people were in terrible danger. The name 'Esther' means 'hidden': Esther's real identity as a Jewess was hidden for years. (http://www.womeninthebible.net/1.14.Esther.htm 29 March 2010 1pm)

Dear God

Its me... Esther...okay not quite, but go with me here. I figured that, from her name alone, I was Esther. Or at least that is who I have been for a while and feel speaks the loudest to me today. Not quite sure how Myrtle works with me... but it is what is is and it means what it says, so I guess I have to accept it. I still profess that I do not look like a Myrtle.

I sometimes feel that I take on a ton of things, some I take personally, and it builds up until I get prepared to snap. But somehow I rise, rather literally or through faux pretense to appear that I have survived. I get my creative juices flowing and I spring back. I thank you for placing such resilience in my stream of DNA. But the one thing that I cant seem to bounce back from is a broken heart.

What is it in me that attracts the male format that I have gotten sense I was in high school?

Back-up: So... God... here is the time when I apologize to Travis Williams. Remember lil geeky kid in Jr. High at Georgia Washington Jr High? Him... yeh, the dude that was the first one to tell me that he liked me. The guy that I thought was sooo freaking sweet and I actually liked back. Yeh, him. I have searched and searched for him every since the day that I saw him in the Winn Dixie on Carter Hill Road that Saturday that I was fundraising with Dance team in High School. I cant seem to find him. If you find him... can you please tell him that I apologize for breaking up with him. And I am NOT saying this because he turned out to be the finest thing on this side of Adonis' left butt cheek, but because I honestly liked him. The guys dealing with me were talking about him terribly and picking on him. I didnt want him to get picked on just because of my status among the popular kids so I broke up with him. If I thought that he wasnt worth my time.. I wouldnt have dated him in the first place. He was worth it...and I SERIOUSLY feel that you or the universe in general are punishing me for breaking up with a good guy. If you are... STOP IT!!! I was in Jr High for crying out loud! So yeh.. there, I said it. The first nice guy that likes me, who I like back.. I mess it up with. I just honestly wish I could tell him that I am genuinely sorry. He was a very special person in my life... still have his school pic with the inscription on the back. Yep.. he meant that much to me. Wish I could correct it.

Back to our regularly scheduled ranting.....

So it has dawned on me that I may not be married by now b/c I havent prayed for a husband. Yep, took me 29 years to figure that out. I guess I cant have an answered prayer if I am not praying, right? I also realized that as women, we often times make the mistake of trying to make a man into our husband rather than turning ourselves into wives. Hence where the inspiration for this rant came from.

Well... how do I turn myself into a wife? I knwo what kind of wife I would like to be....but does that match up with what you choose for me to be? I am in desperate mode here... the Estehr in me says it is time to get the ball rolling. So I am willing to do the work that needs to be done to make me into a wife. Can I pray for him now?

Dear Boaz,
(You liked that one didnt you God...lol. I'm slick with this)
Hi.. currently I am Esther.. and I know that you married Ruth... but hear me out. I plan to be her one day. I plan to be your match. Can you wait for me until I get to where God wants me to be? Right now I am wanting to become that "good thing" that you find. I'm highly impatient, and wish that I would have found you years ago... but I will take the necessary steps to get in a place to be found.

My Self Esteem has been on the auction block for years and I am saving up to buy it back. I want to be strong enough that you sense my confidence and know that I can be that Esther there to support you when things get rough. I will, I promise.

I am asking God for you. I am asking that you be perfect in his eye and walk in His footsteps. SO by the time we finish playing hide and seek He will approve that you are it. The one I went through all of these lessons for. And I pray that I am the woman that you fought to find....til eternity do us part. Yeh... there begins my prayers for us. I love you. And I will stand still and wait to be found by you. I know that you will... promise me that you will... okay, okay.. I know that you will. Can you hurry up? lol. Okay... until then....
Sincerely, Esther

Okay God.... take me, moldme, use me. I'm so tired of feeling alone on so many fronts. The only thing left in life that I want is to have my won family;husband, kids, grandkids. Yes.... true love ordained by you is what I want....and without sounding excessive... my mental health depends on it. I know I am suppose to place my life in you. But I am literally at my wits ends of not being worthy of love here on earth. SO with all due respect.... this is my final straw in trying. No ultimatum expressed, just letting you know that I am broken. And I am trying not to place you on the same level as man, but I have no other reference. Please help me become wife material. Thanks. I love you God......I just beg of yuo to help me become wife material ... and not when I am 88...sometime soon, preferably. I hate being a spinster. that too messes with your self esteem. Okay.. I will end now before I begin to cry. Thanks for listening.

~Esther

Hi, My Names is Proverbs 31- Introduction

This will be the start of me learning me, and being completely honest. 2 Posts in one day... I must be on the brink of a break through.

This all began with another idea but I thought that I would keep a track of it here. Might help some people. So, I wanted to know who I was in the Bible... which woman. I ultimately want to be a Proverbs 31 kind of gal. Let's pray for that.

I figured that I have not been in successful relationships or even asked to be married b/c something was wrong with me. I am not what guys are looking for. All of the psycho-analitical BS will not work here, this is how I feel. I dont feel like any guy near me right now wants to love me....yet alone marry me. As a believer of The Secret I am sending some pretty horrible vibes out into the world. But that is how it is and has been for years. It is time to break myself out of this.

I was going to write letters to my future husband.... instead, I decided to write letters directly to God. Fix me first while praying that my husband will coem along. I guess your prayers will never get answered if you never pray them in the first place. I so pray that last sentence made sense. So here goes my journey on finding out who I am.

April's Fool

So, yeh...

It is about that time again. My favorite holiday; APRIL FOOLS!!!!!! Love it. I plan my master prank months in advance so that it is simple, yet effective, and gets the response that I want. This year.... I am engaged!!! It was funny two days ago once I sprung it into action, but not so funny right here and now.

Why?.......Its not funny b/c it is almost as if I am saying to my friends "hahahah you fell for it, you actually thought that someone found me worthy enough to be married too! lmao You suckers!" Not quite the laugh I was planning on but it is slowly coming to look that way.Sad....what was going on in my mind to think to use this as a prank?

Also, the friend/guy (friend used descriptively not literally...I suppose) is this guy that I met for the first time in December..... last time I have ever seen him. Military cat, extremely handsome and keeps me laughing... when he is present. So, when we first started talking on the phone... every day; he calling me more so than I calling him. It was cute. Then he went away on a work related trip and the calls came to a halt. They picked up a little bit, after a while, but not by much. I was okay with that... no need to converse daily. And then he decided to surprise me at this event I was volunteering for. He took pics of places around me to show me that he was there. Rather clever. Romantic, even. SO we kicked it while we ate and watched football, then he came and watched the show, and the night ended well, I think. Or thought. But the calls died again. A cycle here...see it? I do.

So I get everything from he's dropped his phone in the toilet on 2 separate occasions, he left his phone at home, he left his charger at home, or he was out of town ( I am guessing that there were no cell towers where he was or phones were prohibited by law). This screams so loudly... BITCH, HE IS NOT ONLY JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, BUT SOOOO OBVIOUSLY BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT JUST NOT FUCKING INTO YOU!!! I get it, I hear the masses yelling at me and calling me stupid. He doesn't call me any more. I send a text every blue moon... yeh, just horrible. And after the stunt he pulled of V-day... I put him in that abstract friend zone for life. So why is he still in the pic?

Because... I needed someone to help me pull this prank off. He agreed. A small part of me still liking him but not making any attempts to make it solid. I just cant depend on this guy and it sucks like a prostitute on U Street in DC at 4am. I swear to you it does... and I feel used every time I even speak to him. If the conversation ends in.. I'll call you back, I can pretty much bank that it aint gonna happen. He still says stuff like "I'm trying to make you mine" or I am working on finding time for us to kick it." I smell bullshit. Did he NOT know that I am the Arch nemesis to Bullshit?! SO yeh.... at the end of this prank. I'm cutting my losses and leaving him alone.

Fine doesnt get him a "do whatever the hell you want for free" pass, although I did consider it. Kat Williams once joked that "Self esteem is called S-E-L-F esteem, how can anyone else jack up how you think about yourself?" Good question. So... I am exercising my self esteem so that I dont feel so sucky for fawning over a guy who isnt fawning over me. I am worth the fawning dammit! So what about me isnt making men fawn? That begins my journey. Stay tuned.....

Sincerely Arch Nemesis.

Inner Conflict

I am at a lost for words. A HUGE deal for myself, to be honest with you. Me being silent is nothing short of an act of GOD! But I dont know what to do... so I came here to write.

So last night I entered a slam. Really wasnt feeling it but that that I would go in any way. Went in with what I call my "throw away poems", poems that I had written but wasnt all that comfortable with. Yes, I should have prepared better. Well as the night goes on I am going up against friends and other performers that I know. One friend, they get up there and they are performing this piece.... and it is getting a little long. I look over to another competitor and we both have the "Damn they are cutting close to going over the time limit" face. My friend sitting next to me taps me on my arm; she had been timing him and he has 6 seconds left to get to the time limit. This person crosses the 3 minute mark and I am thinking VICTORY, but then they kept going. No buzzer was sounded, no one spoke up. I am thinking... are you serious?!!! I love this person to life but, ARE YOU SERIOUS! As soon as the person finishes the piece and is walking away from the mic, then the buzzer sounds. From the stop watch my friend started this person was now 6 seconds over the time limit; this should have been an automatic disqualification. But no one said a word.

I perform my poem, not my best performance, I shall be the first to admit. Well, then it comes down to judging, here I am thinking that we have one more round to go. First off, one of the people should have been disqualified....and then a final round was taken from us without our notice. SO much was going wrong here. I was in my crying phase from my last emotional poem so I didnt catch it. Well, the crowd pic the friend......the one who went over by 6 seconds.

I am happy for this friend.... on the inside I am, but I cant help but know that this person went over time and it was all based on the time keeper paying attention. Did they not start it right when he spoke? Did they get caught up in his poem and then look down and noticed they went over time once he was done and didnt confess? There is so much going on here. I had two unofficial stop watches next to me who recorded this person going over time. And I cant help but feel shafted. I think that there should always be 2 time keepers just to make it fair. I think that a rep for the person competiting should be somewhere near the time keepers. I just am conflicted.

I am conflicted because I am happy for my friend that the audience picked them... their work is FIYAH and deserves to win, but then on the other hand...... they should have been disqualified. I dont know how I can be happy on that side. And this looks as if I am complaining. COmplaining would mean that there was no error and everything was done on the up and up. We were suppose to have a third round which meant that I could have pulled out my strongest piece, didnt happen. This person went over time but there was no one there to check the official time keeper, yep... didnt happen. So yeh... it just sucks!!! So, there is my rant for today.

Truw contras to the friend who won, but I have to fight the fight of reforming how events are handled. A plan B has to be in effect and the performers have to be aware of everything that is going on.

Earning Your Crown

Yeh,

Weird way to start a blog post, right? Well, I literally just woke up so speaking has yet to enter into my activities for today...sooo, ummm... deal with it. lol.

Okay, so yesterday I was out in DC and I attended this Meet Up group. For those who are not familiar, MeetUp.com is an awesome site where you can go to find groups who are formed with people with like-minded interests. You pick a groups, become a member, they organize events and you can go "meet up" with them. So yesterday was my Natural Hair group's meet up.

It was so awesome to be in the presence of so many beautiful women who had natural hair at different stages. The lady sitting next to me had just did her Big Chop (where you cut off all of yur permed or damaged hair to transition into having natural/non-chemically treated hair) about a month ago and was rocking this extremely short hair style with natural curls looking gorgeous! To these two ladies with hair that was so long and big that you could see them coming a mile away. There were I think two ladies with locs in their hair.

Side bar: As not to offend ANYONE, NEVER, and I mean NEVER start off by calling them DREAD locs. It is offensive to many who have studied the history and culture of the style which adorns their crown. Simply call them locs. It is your safest bet to not wind up in a 2hr educational conversation when all you intended to do was give them a compliment. Trust me, this will keep you rather PC.

The purpose of this MeetUp was to discuss our trails with different hair products. I thought that it would be cool to listen in as well. But I had a problem from the beginning. Some of the women who had been in the natural hair journey longer than others appeared to have been knowledgeable, but maybe it was just my end of the table, but they didnt give me a path to find what products work well with my hair. I heard comments like, "I've tried several hairstyles that are around this table." or "I have tried everything possible on my hair and now I am happy with where I am" . Those comments are all well and good.... but how did you GET THERE?

I dont need a step by step analysis of every nap you conquered or regimen you overcame, but I do need to know some of the basics like what made you realize what worked for your hair and what didnt, what type of research did you do before hand, how do you maintain now that you've found what works, etc. I say this because there was an older lady sitting at my end of the table with her notepad. I know that she brought it so she wouldnt forget any of the products that she had heard. Her point in doing so was that she didnt want to start from the bottom and trying every single hair product. She wanted to hear products that other people said were good and try those. Wow, was all that I could formulate as a response. I couldnt imagine how we as AFrican American women didnt know so much about us. Her form of thinking was flawed and she didnt know it. She didnt realize that by listening to everyone's product suggestions, that she was in fact "starting from scratch " because she didnt know a thing about her own hair. Let me explain.

I told her that what she needed to do first was:

1. Discover your own individual hair type. I am personally a combination of 4b/4c. My hair has a mixture of S & Z curl patterns. There are certian products that from the jump are not going to work on my hair. My hair is actually the most fragile hair type out of them all, even though it looks the oarsest and resembles the closest to the Angela Davis model of what most consider Natural Hair.

2. Understand that Natural Hair is not a hair type, nor does it mean that everyone who is natural has the same kind of hair. Therefore, you will be wasting your time, money, and energy by taking product advice from someone who doesnt have you hair type. I personally thought that the group should have sat by hair type. but it wasnt my group, so next time I will sit near people whose hair is more like mine.

3. Do some research on products that are specifically made for your hair type. She asked me where would she do that. I immediately reminded her of this wonderful item called Google, and how the invention has been saving college students trips to the library for years now. This way, she could get small tips on which items were designed for her hair and then research which products people with her same hair type are raving about. That will cut her experimenting time in half, even more.

4. Visit thisother awesome invention called YouTube and search for people with hair regimen video clips so you can seehow to maintain your own hair type as well.

I felt like I was the most educated in my head. I was new to this. I was seeking answers and ended up giving some. I was just shocked how knowing who you are first and what to listen out for wasnt suggested as part of the meet-up but rather just get together and tlak. I think this is where money is wasted and why sisters give up, b/c they see friends with long hair and try to copy them, when in fact their hair types are not the same. Just because your hair looks the same doesnt mean that it is. People can manipulate a curl pattern for a style, or blowdry out their Tyoe 3 hair to get it to resemble a 4b/c pattern. Know you, stick with it, and learn to love it. Once you know you, nothing anyone can tell you will drive you of the path of what works well for you.

I guess in teaching yesterday, I found my own personal philosophy with this whole entire hair journey thing. I am learning me. I try a few products and so far the ones I have tried have worked. I did my research first to cut down on all of this madness. It also just gave me a fabulous Idea....hmmm. God works in mysterious ways!!! SO there was a lesson in this for me after all.

Well I hope you enjoyed my spew... I just had to get that out of my head. Have an amazing Sunday. God bless!

~~Arch Nemesis

Mis-Education

~*Mis-Education*~
by: Arch Nemesis
©2009

The Mis-Education of a Negro
Began long before Carter G Woodson
Long before Fiddler fiddled
And Kunta captured
Try English palaces filled with Duchesses Or
Kings beheading non-believers
But it was Sailors
Off Ivory Coasts packing ships that mark history’s forgetfulness
Not recognizing home
Documentation serving as proof
Disbelievers refuting it
Mesopotamia
Oldest civilization
Ethiopia
Oldest human remains
But today we bow heads
Ashamed of the place where
Human origin began
Africa
Ancient maps including
The Middle East &
Asia Minor
Evolution & Biblical error-proofed
You choose
Microorganisms or clay crafted
Either way
It is Ancient Africa in your veins
So was it not Africans
Who sold Africans
Into the hands of other Africans for slave trade
You’d be stupid to think that
400 years of slavery on the motherland
And 400 on this other land aint the same
Oh Pharaoh,
Won’t you let my people go
Fast Forward
Law states
1 drop
Full African
So explain
How massa’s decedents
Sucking mammy’s tits get exempt
While I had a malnourished heritage
And she lied not
She don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies
Because she birthed kings & queens
Who were suppose to remember where they came from
And it damn sure wasn’t London
But somewhere they forgot
Forgot that no one has blue blood
And that blood is thicker than water
No matter how many oceans we’ve had to sail over
But
What about KKK hands drenched with my Great Granddaddy’s blood
Never said the drop had to be in you
But pretty sure it soaked in
Journeyed in their blood stream
Tapped them on the heart and said
Don’t you recognize kin
Medgar Evers showing up in their blood work
Jimmy Lee Jackson present in their arteries
Like they don’t know that
We don’t die, we multiply
T cell whipping every blood cell ‘til it becomes our own
Got us darker folks thinking we don’t like ourselves
When Emmett Till marked them erasing the face of themselves
Like the Sphinx in Egypt
Keep stealing everything
From Muddy Waters’ sounds
To the curves of Sarah Bartmann’s soul
Cant understand how the rhythm keeps escaping them
How what they perceive to be Africa
Can morph into shades of them
How they sit Front Street at our events
Because they’ve just got to know what’s going on
Fushizzled My Nizzled until My Nizzle was dead and gone
How they cant see that the want to be like us
Is the blood in their veins calling them home
How it wasn’t until this line that I realized I need to stop saying them
And begin to call them we
‘Cause
We cant escape what the proof if trying to tell us
Cant erase what is known to be true
But I guess it takes more than 1 drop to know where you came from
More than one drop
To know that my heritage is painted on
More than one drop
To be unable to deny your heritage
To be somewhat sure about your lineage
More than one drop
To realize
That I’m not the only one who’s been
Mis-Educated

Made in China?

So.... on Twitter I say some very RANDOM things and ask questions that I really want to know the answers to. So today I asked:

"Does it mean that a woman does not love herself if she cannot go without weave?"

Very bold yet very heartfelt question. I really wanted to know what people thought about that statement. I didn't say that is how I felt... I truly wanted to know if the statement had any validity to it. Boy, did I open up a floodgate of feed back.

And one of my followers replies back, and I took it as... how shall I say... ummm.. Yeh, passionately. I respect her opinions but the opinions didn't add up to me. Not to say they weren't valid from her standpoint... it just made me question things even further. (Note: My use of Natural from here on out means w/o extensions ONLY. Meaning you can have an Afro and be natural or have a perm and rock your natural length)

But before I go any further, I would like for everyone to understand how I phrase things... they may come off as being a smart ass or saying that what the person said is wrong.... WRONG!!! I am merely giving my responses to what was said, and my opinion. The follower is a very intelligent person and makes points based on her opinion as I will do below. I DO NOT WANT ANY MESS RISING FROM THIS!!!! I take life, and I respond... below you will see my responses to what was said to me. I value what was said, it made me think, and so I believe in friendly discussion. No hard feeling were taken, and I pray none are created.....back to your regularly scheduled reading.....

First she replied:

"WHOA WAIT WAIT WAIT ....wearing a weave doesnt mean I don't love myself....HOLD UP..."

I don't think that I made the question personal...did I? I thought that I asked DOES it mean that or could the fact that a woman cant live without her weave have a deeper root behind it or even be taken so far out of context that it needed clarification to be something as simple as a preference. That's all.

To which she replied:

"...thats the same thing: if I wear weave, I dont love myself = if I cant go w/o wearing one it means that I dont love myself"

Again, I was ASKING, not making it personal nor stating it as fact. I wanted to know honestly. It isn't the same thing either. To wear weave has its purposes; are you in a fashion show, to you have a medical situation where you no longer have hair, are you supporting a business, or do you wish to rock a certain look without damaging your own hair. That is what the first part of her equation equates to in my mind. The second part....to me, morphed my question. By asking does it mean that was meant to spark feedback, but based on my explanation above... it depends on WHY you chose to wear a weave in the first place that would carry the weight of why you cant and/or feel that you cant go without one. Which in all situations, there is a woman who has pulled through and decided that she could be her minus the weave... which is the basis to my question. Why are women so dependent upon it, self included, that we often times feel that we cant sport our hair w/o extensions and what does it mean when we cant part from the overseas addiction.

The replies kept coming:

"how is weave bad but perm isn't? I wear weave, I don't get perms. I don't understand what the weave issue is...explain"

And coming:

"that's like a white dude saying "is it true that all black woman are ugly?""

I explained that , to some, perms are for manageable hair. To take what length or texture they have of their natural hair and to make it more manageable in their personal sight. But to add weave means that you are adding something foreign (not that lye isn't) to your hair and trying to pass the length of it off as your own. Are either deceptions right....nope... but adding length to make it appear to be longer than what it is .....is a change that is based purely on vanity. Perms are based on vanity as well, but mainly manageability. Extensions are purely vanity. Whether you are not comfortable with your own length, want a new style, or are the victim of a disease.... it all circles around a form of vanity. I've seen women, self included decide to rock their own hair, not worry any longer about the latest trends, and cancer patients drop wigs and rock the most beautiful and proud bald heads I have ever seen in my life, which takes a ton of confidence not usually displayed in our society.... so again my question stands... what does it mean if a woman cant let weave go? And no, it isn't the same as a white dude saying the comment above. He would be an outsider in gender and in race making a generalized comment on features that a culture had no hand in creating. Women do have a hand in presenting themselves to the world. Whether it be the full bare and exposed them, or the decorated/masked version (because that is what it is... a dressed up version of who they are w/o it)....they had a choice in the matter. So what is the big deal about putting it down? Why cant we as women wake up one morning and say... no more weave?

I could pick anything... no makeup, hair spray, clothes, bras (that happened already in the 60s right? lmao) etc. I just happened to pick this topic today.

She replied:

"it means they care enough about their appearance to not let go of weave. just like I wouldnt leave the house w/out deodorant"

P.S. Some places don't wear deodorant and yet they too care about their appearances... cultural viewpoint there...and I guess same is true with weaves.

I have yet to reply back to her... and wont b/c I ended the conversation b/c I felt I was reading her responses wrong. .... but I really wanted to say this. Well, rather ask this. "So, are you saying that in order to care about one's appearance you must borrow extensions in order to add to yourself?" If that is the case...wouldn't that almost imply that what is your God-given appearance is not acceptable? Wouldn't that imply that you wouldn't be able to reach over in your vanity drawer and pull out combs and brushes that would make what you naturally/truly/realistically have beautiful enough for you to care about enough to make it a representation of your appearance? Wouldn't this imply that weaves are in existence for vanity purposes b/c after all... they care enough about their appearances? And if following her line of logic from earlier... is this almost implying that b/c she cares enough about her appearance that she cannot let it go then it =she doesn't think that her natural/realistic appearance is good enough = she doesn't necessarily believe in herself enough to rock her natural/realistic appearance? A stretch, I know, but if who you naturally/realistically are isn't goo enough to rock it as a representation of your appearance, so much so that you need assistance that you cant let go......is that really self love? I could have taken it being a choice... but not b/c she cares about her appearance. Because I am sure that there are tons of women who do NOT have weave in their heads who care very much about their appearance every single day, but they chose NOT to have weave. P.S. Some places don't wear deodorant and yet they too care about their appearances... cultural viewpoint there...and I guess same is true with weaves.

Having been a girl with a perm that took my hair out and I cant grow it back in places...to the girl who, up until last Thursday (a week ago today) had extension braids in my hair.... I understand both sides of it. But on Thursday, I woke up and I literally heard a voice and got the vibe that I was tired of hiding. I know this is my personal choice... but I was tired of redoing my braids, wearing weaves and wigs just so I could feel beautiful. I cared more about MYSELF that day than my appearance that I took each micro braid out of my head and cut all of my hair off into a small Afro. I was ready to face the world as me. Not an imitation, not a faux replica, and not even a doll house/store front version of myself.... but me. HERE I AM. I am weave free. BY CHOICE.

I no longer felt like a cigarette smoker that vowed that I could quit whenever I wanted and never did. Or, like my other battle, the plus size girl who said that I loved myself but shoved food down my throat that led to diabetes,heart attacks and cholesterol that could kill a cow. This is my personal testament. I put my money where my hair was and I asked myself.... do you believe that you are beautiful enough to rock it day in and day out with just yourself. And I said yes.

Scariest thing I have ever had to do was walk in my office building with my tiny fro, when the guards are use to me with longer hair(s). I walk with my head down sometimes and have to remember to pick it back up. But it has only been a week. I am sure I will get better. I think that the real testament will be my cousin Sean's wedding on Oct 16th. I could wear a weave...but after writing this... I think I will stick to being me. I will have to figure out what I want to have done to my hair to make it look nice at it's own length.......I'm tired of hiding.

This blog was not to pass judgement, nor to bash the beliefs of the person who follows me... never that. I send her the utmost respect. it sparked me to think, which seldom people can do so she gets kudos and kisses from me. I don't care if people wear weaves, have perms, or rock makeup... I did it up until a week ago... so I cant say much else. But I am allowed to question the world. To get a conversation going and to spark thought. I'm learning to be proud of me...day by day... the pure me... the natural me.Besides... I'm black.... a descendant of Africa... what sense does it make for my hair to be made in China? lol. Just a question, people, nothing more..... don't take it personal.

To the follower: Thanks for challenging me. I honestly mean that. You are a bright individual...that's why I keep you around...lol. BUT WATCH YOUR TONE WOMAN!! lol. Just kidding. I really do hope that you don't take offense to this if you read it. Offense is not my approach...I just had to get my opinions out and this was the safest place for me to do it. This is merely friendly discussion as I said above......Love ya!

Sincerely,

Made in My Skin (Arch Nemesis)

Ending a "THING"

A New Start:

So... yeh. I was in this... this... SHIT what in the world to call this damn.....ummmm... WHAT IS YOUR NAME!!!!!? Ummm hell, fuck it, this "thing". Most would call it a relationship but two intelligent negroes get together and call it everything but. You know... "your good goods belong to me and only me but you are not my man and I am not your girlfriend" kind of "thing". Yeh.

So, for those who know me know that I have a condition... long story dont ask. But in short... I cant, yet can somehow, be blamed for things that occur in my subconscious. Well, he was smart enough tot come to my house and to sign into his Facebook account on my computer, and not sign off before handing it back over to me. I apparently read an email that he sent to a female in Florida.... we live in MD... about how he was thinking of her and how he wishes that he were down there to take her out. Mind you this is only days after he and I slept together...and less than a week before he tells me that he wants to be exclusive. [Sidebar] I will never understand how someone can be with two people and then decide in such a short time that he wants to be with one and think that I am to believe that your feelings are genuine.[end Sidebar].

So I tell on myself, letting him know that I found the email. He gets made, screams about his privacy being violated. He needs his space and yadda yadda yadda. In the time it took for him to need his space... I discovered that I needed mine too. Cant start another "THING" with someone and this is already losing trust on both sides. Literally a week and a half goes by w/o speaking until he finally comes back with him wanting to have another chance with me. I tentatively agree.

I dont know why I did. I already knew that in my mind I would not trust shit that would come out of his mouth. I would resent every action he would ever do if it werent towards me. This....was where this was headed and I knew it. But something in me just wanted someone to kick it with. So... the faux attempt started. We swore we would start from scratch, not where we left off. That lasted all about a night of Ethiopian food and ,unbeknown to him, farewell sex. I had to get it out of my system. The next day just topped the fucking cake!

So we had a performance. As we were getting out of the car, I turned back in to get my business cards out of the console. While I was bent over, he thought it would be funny, on a public street in front of the place where we would be performing... hell AT ALL, to jump behind me and start humping on me. WHO DOES STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT?! I was embarrassed! I felt he was immature. I played along for the rest of the night. Put up with him humping my leg while I talked to him... but in my mind... I was through.

My lesson: Learn to love yourself first....before you get involved with anyone else.

And this could be from me doing a lil further research and learning some things.... but I doubt it. God placed them there for me to see. I opened myself now to begin doing what God wants me to do... .trust, He's still working on my cussing.... but I just didnt see this guy in it. I lowered my standards b/c I thought that I should try someone who I wouldnt normally try, but the hell with that idea ever again. I cant do it. I have to work on me, where I am headed and what is appropriate in God's eyesight, not mine. So this is a new start. It is going to be time for me to improve on myself now and not settle or worry about being in a THING..... when God is ready... I will be in a relationship where the other person claims me out right and is faithful. I cant wait for that day to get here either. I dont deserve to have cause to not trust the person I am with... this is the final straw. 2009 is the year of manifestation... so I am manifesting that I will from this day forward walk in the footsteps of God to the best of my ability and to ask God to be patient with me in the places that my ability does not extend. I ask... God... what can I do for you....and whatever you decide to bless me with.. I gladly accept. I thank you.

Yep.... glad I got that out of my system. I'm officially done. Sucks that I told him I dont want to be exclusive over a text..... but he will get over it. Hell for all I know he could already be with some chick on the side... it doesnt surprise me in the least if he has. Just proof that he wasnt who I thought he was and he and I werent all that compatible. I'll be cordial when I see him around... no hard feelings.... the situation was just jacked. Well... enough writing for now.

~Sincerely,

Arch Nemesis

I Wrote: A Poem

I Wrote
by: Arch Nemesis
© 2009


If tears were ink
To an outsider
My face would appear tatted
And my pillow ruined
But what they don’t know
Is that
I’m writing you a poem in saline
Those were the words I typed him
Typed him
Before
Before
Before I came to my mother lovin senses!
Consensus, please
Why is it that I have to wait
For you to decide if
You want to be with me
Honey see
You knew I was crazy before you met me
Saw ass
Got tail
Now want to play friend
Well honey I don’t sleep with my friends
And you know more of me than I of you
True
But boo
You’re buggin over an email
She mailed you
To which you replied
Didn’t deny
Yes I read
What you said
Told on myself and let you know

Now you automatically go into emotional limbo
When I have the right to place judgment
On your lack of tact to leave it open
On my laptop
And you wouldn’t be concerned with not trusting me
If I didn’t see what you wrote
Which could have me not trusting you
But you flipped script
Got me stressing out over this bullshit
That you got busted in
Thinking that I cant tell that
The only thing stopping you from not being my lover
Is you wondering if benefits come w/ being friends
No
My final answer is
You will only be my friend
You’ll be first hand witness to what you could have had
Nothing worse than tasting perfection
Then watching someone else add too much salt to your plate
I will not continue to feel sorry for what I apologized for
Cant help who I am and you blame me for it
Say you forgive me
To remain distant
Forgiveness is active
Not passive
And this passive aggressive shit is annoying
Thank you for your honesty
But honestly
You talked enough for me to listen
To the bullshit that you tried to convince me as truth
Loved how your parents loved w/o pinpointing reason
Then cant be w/ me after an apology
B/c you’ve got to take time to think things through
Well you thought it through
This is the end
You needed space to think
Which gave me space to see that
You may not be the one for me
You don’t get to decide my fate
Can’t see through my crazy tirades
Temporary blackouts
Couldn’t turn them into kinky trysts and voyeur adventures
Tried to make sense out of purposeful senselessness
While I held who you were
And who you had become
Grew curious as to where I fit in
Never judged
Just dove in and said let time define the space
B/c my understanding of you could be wrong
Me thinking things through
Can only take me to the limits of my experience
And maybe everything about you that annoyed the shit out of me
Was meant to make me grow past my insecurities
See past the previous bullshit issued to me
Or maybe showing affection to you was enough to make me smile
Make me feel I was alive
B/c I have so much to give
But I wasn’t allowed to issue my opinion
You said it yourself
You’re capable of convincing people of things that aren’t true
You’ve done it for years
Well you convinced me that I was something you kind of
Chose to do
And could choose not to do
Like now
By leaving me to wonder was it all even worth it
So here I stand
With so much more to say dangling on my lips
Ready to spew secrets out of spite
But cant
Because I actually cared
And unlike you
I understood that people make mistakes
I forgive
Actively
Besides
Nothing is gonna hurt you more
Than knowing that you can only be my friend from here on out
Now these were the words I wrote
After I smiled at giving up on someone
Who couldn’t make up their mind about actively forgiving me.