Hi, My name is Proverbs 31- Esther

Today I decided that I am Esther:

Hadassah, Esther’s Jewish name, comes from the word for 'myrtle', a tree whose leaves only release their fragrance when they are crushed; Esther's full potential only appeared when she and her people were in terrible danger. The name 'Esther' means 'hidden': Esther's real identity as a Jewess was hidden for years. (http://www.womeninthebible.net/1.14.Esther.htm 29 March 2010 1pm)

Dear God

Its me... Esther...okay not quite, but go with me here. I figured that, from her name alone, I was Esther. Or at least that is who I have been for a while and feel speaks the loudest to me today. Not quite sure how Myrtle works with me... but it is what is is and it means what it says, so I guess I have to accept it. I still profess that I do not look like a Myrtle.

I sometimes feel that I take on a ton of things, some I take personally, and it builds up until I get prepared to snap. But somehow I rise, rather literally or through faux pretense to appear that I have survived. I get my creative juices flowing and I spring back. I thank you for placing such resilience in my stream of DNA. But the one thing that I cant seem to bounce back from is a broken heart.

What is it in me that attracts the male format that I have gotten sense I was in high school?

Back-up: So... God... here is the time when I apologize to Travis Williams. Remember lil geeky kid in Jr. High at Georgia Washington Jr High? Him... yeh, the dude that was the first one to tell me that he liked me. The guy that I thought was sooo freaking sweet and I actually liked back. Yeh, him. I have searched and searched for him every since the day that I saw him in the Winn Dixie on Carter Hill Road that Saturday that I was fundraising with Dance team in High School. I cant seem to find him. If you find him... can you please tell him that I apologize for breaking up with him. And I am NOT saying this because he turned out to be the finest thing on this side of Adonis' left butt cheek, but because I honestly liked him. The guys dealing with me were talking about him terribly and picking on him. I didnt want him to get picked on just because of my status among the popular kids so I broke up with him. If I thought that he wasnt worth my time.. I wouldnt have dated him in the first place. He was worth it...and I SERIOUSLY feel that you or the universe in general are punishing me for breaking up with a good guy. If you are... STOP IT!!! I was in Jr High for crying out loud! So yeh.. there, I said it. The first nice guy that likes me, who I like back.. I mess it up with. I just honestly wish I could tell him that I am genuinely sorry. He was a very special person in my life... still have his school pic with the inscription on the back. Yep.. he meant that much to me. Wish I could correct it.

Back to our regularly scheduled ranting.....

So it has dawned on me that I may not be married by now b/c I havent prayed for a husband. Yep, took me 29 years to figure that out. I guess I cant have an answered prayer if I am not praying, right? I also realized that as women, we often times make the mistake of trying to make a man into our husband rather than turning ourselves into wives. Hence where the inspiration for this rant came from.

Well... how do I turn myself into a wife? I knwo what kind of wife I would like to be....but does that match up with what you choose for me to be? I am in desperate mode here... the Estehr in me says it is time to get the ball rolling. So I am willing to do the work that needs to be done to make me into a wife. Can I pray for him now?

Dear Boaz,
(You liked that one didnt you God...lol. I'm slick with this)
Hi.. currently I am Esther.. and I know that you married Ruth... but hear me out. I plan to be her one day. I plan to be your match. Can you wait for me until I get to where God wants me to be? Right now I am wanting to become that "good thing" that you find. I'm highly impatient, and wish that I would have found you years ago... but I will take the necessary steps to get in a place to be found.

My Self Esteem has been on the auction block for years and I am saving up to buy it back. I want to be strong enough that you sense my confidence and know that I can be that Esther there to support you when things get rough. I will, I promise.

I am asking God for you. I am asking that you be perfect in his eye and walk in His footsteps. SO by the time we finish playing hide and seek He will approve that you are it. The one I went through all of these lessons for. And I pray that I am the woman that you fought to find....til eternity do us part. Yeh... there begins my prayers for us. I love you. And I will stand still and wait to be found by you. I know that you will... promise me that you will... okay, okay.. I know that you will. Can you hurry up? lol. Okay... until then....
Sincerely, Esther

Okay God.... take me, moldme, use me. I'm so tired of feeling alone on so many fronts. The only thing left in life that I want is to have my won family;husband, kids, grandkids. Yes.... true love ordained by you is what I want....and without sounding excessive... my mental health depends on it. I know I am suppose to place my life in you. But I am literally at my wits ends of not being worthy of love here on earth. SO with all due respect.... this is my final straw in trying. No ultimatum expressed, just letting you know that I am broken. And I am trying not to place you on the same level as man, but I have no other reference. Please help me become wife material. Thanks. I love you God......I just beg of yuo to help me become wife material ... and not when I am 88...sometime soon, preferably. I hate being a spinster. that too messes with your self esteem. Okay.. I will end now before I begin to cry. Thanks for listening.

~Esther