Hi, My name is Proverbs 31- Esther

Today I decided that I am Esther:

Hadassah, Esther’s Jewish name, comes from the word for 'myrtle', a tree whose leaves only release their fragrance when they are crushed; Esther's full potential only appeared when she and her people were in terrible danger. The name 'Esther' means 'hidden': Esther's real identity as a Jewess was hidden for years. (http://www.womeninthebible.net/1.14.Esther.htm 29 March 2010 1pm)

Dear God

Its me... Esther...okay not quite, but go with me here. I figured that, from her name alone, I was Esther. Or at least that is who I have been for a while and feel speaks the loudest to me today. Not quite sure how Myrtle works with me... but it is what is is and it means what it says, so I guess I have to accept it. I still profess that I do not look like a Myrtle.

I sometimes feel that I take on a ton of things, some I take personally, and it builds up until I get prepared to snap. But somehow I rise, rather literally or through faux pretense to appear that I have survived. I get my creative juices flowing and I spring back. I thank you for placing such resilience in my stream of DNA. But the one thing that I cant seem to bounce back from is a broken heart.

What is it in me that attracts the male format that I have gotten sense I was in high school?

Back-up: So... God... here is the time when I apologize to Travis Williams. Remember lil geeky kid in Jr. High at Georgia Washington Jr High? Him... yeh, the dude that was the first one to tell me that he liked me. The guy that I thought was sooo freaking sweet and I actually liked back. Yeh, him. I have searched and searched for him every since the day that I saw him in the Winn Dixie on Carter Hill Road that Saturday that I was fundraising with Dance team in High School. I cant seem to find him. If you find him... can you please tell him that I apologize for breaking up with him. And I am NOT saying this because he turned out to be the finest thing on this side of Adonis' left butt cheek, but because I honestly liked him. The guys dealing with me were talking about him terribly and picking on him. I didnt want him to get picked on just because of my status among the popular kids so I broke up with him. If I thought that he wasnt worth my time.. I wouldnt have dated him in the first place. He was worth it...and I SERIOUSLY feel that you or the universe in general are punishing me for breaking up with a good guy. If you are... STOP IT!!! I was in Jr High for crying out loud! So yeh.. there, I said it. The first nice guy that likes me, who I like back.. I mess it up with. I just honestly wish I could tell him that I am genuinely sorry. He was a very special person in my life... still have his school pic with the inscription on the back. Yep.. he meant that much to me. Wish I could correct it.

Back to our regularly scheduled ranting.....

So it has dawned on me that I may not be married by now b/c I havent prayed for a husband. Yep, took me 29 years to figure that out. I guess I cant have an answered prayer if I am not praying, right? I also realized that as women, we often times make the mistake of trying to make a man into our husband rather than turning ourselves into wives. Hence where the inspiration for this rant came from.

Well... how do I turn myself into a wife? I knwo what kind of wife I would like to be....but does that match up with what you choose for me to be? I am in desperate mode here... the Estehr in me says it is time to get the ball rolling. So I am willing to do the work that needs to be done to make me into a wife. Can I pray for him now?

Dear Boaz,
(You liked that one didnt you God...lol. I'm slick with this)
Hi.. currently I am Esther.. and I know that you married Ruth... but hear me out. I plan to be her one day. I plan to be your match. Can you wait for me until I get to where God wants me to be? Right now I am wanting to become that "good thing" that you find. I'm highly impatient, and wish that I would have found you years ago... but I will take the necessary steps to get in a place to be found.

My Self Esteem has been on the auction block for years and I am saving up to buy it back. I want to be strong enough that you sense my confidence and know that I can be that Esther there to support you when things get rough. I will, I promise.

I am asking God for you. I am asking that you be perfect in his eye and walk in His footsteps. SO by the time we finish playing hide and seek He will approve that you are it. The one I went through all of these lessons for. And I pray that I am the woman that you fought to find....til eternity do us part. Yeh... there begins my prayers for us. I love you. And I will stand still and wait to be found by you. I know that you will... promise me that you will... okay, okay.. I know that you will. Can you hurry up? lol. Okay... until then....
Sincerely, Esther

Okay God.... take me, moldme, use me. I'm so tired of feeling alone on so many fronts. The only thing left in life that I want is to have my won family;husband, kids, grandkids. Yes.... true love ordained by you is what I want....and without sounding excessive... my mental health depends on it. I know I am suppose to place my life in you. But I am literally at my wits ends of not being worthy of love here on earth. SO with all due respect.... this is my final straw in trying. No ultimatum expressed, just letting you know that I am broken. And I am trying not to place you on the same level as man, but I have no other reference. Please help me become wife material. Thanks. I love you God......I just beg of yuo to help me become wife material ... and not when I am 88...sometime soon, preferably. I hate being a spinster. that too messes with your self esteem. Okay.. I will end now before I begin to cry. Thanks for listening.

~Esther

Hi, My Names is Proverbs 31- Introduction

This will be the start of me learning me, and being completely honest. 2 Posts in one day... I must be on the brink of a break through.

This all began with another idea but I thought that I would keep a track of it here. Might help some people. So, I wanted to know who I was in the Bible... which woman. I ultimately want to be a Proverbs 31 kind of gal. Let's pray for that.

I figured that I have not been in successful relationships or even asked to be married b/c something was wrong with me. I am not what guys are looking for. All of the psycho-analitical BS will not work here, this is how I feel. I dont feel like any guy near me right now wants to love me....yet alone marry me. As a believer of The Secret I am sending some pretty horrible vibes out into the world. But that is how it is and has been for years. It is time to break myself out of this.

I was going to write letters to my future husband.... instead, I decided to write letters directly to God. Fix me first while praying that my husband will coem along. I guess your prayers will never get answered if you never pray them in the first place. I so pray that last sentence made sense. So here goes my journey on finding out who I am.

April's Fool

So, yeh...

It is about that time again. My favorite holiday; APRIL FOOLS!!!!!! Love it. I plan my master prank months in advance so that it is simple, yet effective, and gets the response that I want. This year.... I am engaged!!! It was funny two days ago once I sprung it into action, but not so funny right here and now.

Why?.......Its not funny b/c it is almost as if I am saying to my friends "hahahah you fell for it, you actually thought that someone found me worthy enough to be married too! lmao You suckers!" Not quite the laugh I was planning on but it is slowly coming to look that way.Sad....what was going on in my mind to think to use this as a prank?

Also, the friend/guy (friend used descriptively not literally...I suppose) is this guy that I met for the first time in December..... last time I have ever seen him. Military cat, extremely handsome and keeps me laughing... when he is present. So, when we first started talking on the phone... every day; he calling me more so than I calling him. It was cute. Then he went away on a work related trip and the calls came to a halt. They picked up a little bit, after a while, but not by much. I was okay with that... no need to converse daily. And then he decided to surprise me at this event I was volunteering for. He took pics of places around me to show me that he was there. Rather clever. Romantic, even. SO we kicked it while we ate and watched football, then he came and watched the show, and the night ended well, I think. Or thought. But the calls died again. A cycle here...see it? I do.

So I get everything from he's dropped his phone in the toilet on 2 separate occasions, he left his phone at home, he left his charger at home, or he was out of town ( I am guessing that there were no cell towers where he was or phones were prohibited by law). This screams so loudly... BITCH, HE IS NOT ONLY JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, BUT SOOOO OBVIOUSLY BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT JUST NOT FUCKING INTO YOU!!! I get it, I hear the masses yelling at me and calling me stupid. He doesn't call me any more. I send a text every blue moon... yeh, just horrible. And after the stunt he pulled of V-day... I put him in that abstract friend zone for life. So why is he still in the pic?

Because... I needed someone to help me pull this prank off. He agreed. A small part of me still liking him but not making any attempts to make it solid. I just cant depend on this guy and it sucks like a prostitute on U Street in DC at 4am. I swear to you it does... and I feel used every time I even speak to him. If the conversation ends in.. I'll call you back, I can pretty much bank that it aint gonna happen. He still says stuff like "I'm trying to make you mine" or I am working on finding time for us to kick it." I smell bullshit. Did he NOT know that I am the Arch nemesis to Bullshit?! SO yeh.... at the end of this prank. I'm cutting my losses and leaving him alone.

Fine doesnt get him a "do whatever the hell you want for free" pass, although I did consider it. Kat Williams once joked that "Self esteem is called S-E-L-F esteem, how can anyone else jack up how you think about yourself?" Good question. So... I am exercising my self esteem so that I dont feel so sucky for fawning over a guy who isnt fawning over me. I am worth the fawning dammit! So what about me isnt making men fawn? That begins my journey. Stay tuned.....

Sincerely Arch Nemesis.

Inner Conflict

I am at a lost for words. A HUGE deal for myself, to be honest with you. Me being silent is nothing short of an act of GOD! But I dont know what to do... so I came here to write.

So last night I entered a slam. Really wasnt feeling it but that that I would go in any way. Went in with what I call my "throw away poems", poems that I had written but wasnt all that comfortable with. Yes, I should have prepared better. Well as the night goes on I am going up against friends and other performers that I know. One friend, they get up there and they are performing this piece.... and it is getting a little long. I look over to another competitor and we both have the "Damn they are cutting close to going over the time limit" face. My friend sitting next to me taps me on my arm; she had been timing him and he has 6 seconds left to get to the time limit. This person crosses the 3 minute mark and I am thinking VICTORY, but then they kept going. No buzzer was sounded, no one spoke up. I am thinking... are you serious?!!! I love this person to life but, ARE YOU SERIOUS! As soon as the person finishes the piece and is walking away from the mic, then the buzzer sounds. From the stop watch my friend started this person was now 6 seconds over the time limit; this should have been an automatic disqualification. But no one said a word.

I perform my poem, not my best performance, I shall be the first to admit. Well, then it comes down to judging, here I am thinking that we have one more round to go. First off, one of the people should have been disqualified....and then a final round was taken from us without our notice. SO much was going wrong here. I was in my crying phase from my last emotional poem so I didnt catch it. Well, the crowd pic the friend......the one who went over by 6 seconds.

I am happy for this friend.... on the inside I am, but I cant help but know that this person went over time and it was all based on the time keeper paying attention. Did they not start it right when he spoke? Did they get caught up in his poem and then look down and noticed they went over time once he was done and didnt confess? There is so much going on here. I had two unofficial stop watches next to me who recorded this person going over time. And I cant help but feel shafted. I think that there should always be 2 time keepers just to make it fair. I think that a rep for the person competiting should be somewhere near the time keepers. I just am conflicted.

I am conflicted because I am happy for my friend that the audience picked them... their work is FIYAH and deserves to win, but then on the other hand...... they should have been disqualified. I dont know how I can be happy on that side. And this looks as if I am complaining. COmplaining would mean that there was no error and everything was done on the up and up. We were suppose to have a third round which meant that I could have pulled out my strongest piece, didnt happen. This person went over time but there was no one there to check the official time keeper, yep... didnt happen. So yeh... it just sucks!!! So, there is my rant for today.

Truw contras to the friend who won, but I have to fight the fight of reforming how events are handled. A plan B has to be in effect and the performers have to be aware of everything that is going on.